goodbye 2011, with gratitude

It is approximately 5 1/2 hours until 2012. Like most folks, the past few days I have been mentally reviewing the past year, thinking about all the things that have been wonderful, some not so wonderful, what I could have done differently, and what I have learned (I hope).

Like every year, I think so many of us look at the New Year's Holiday as a chance to "get it right this year" - with a whole shiney new year laid out before us, another chance to change things. But how often do we stay committed to those goals, those "resolutions"? How often have we made the same goals and continued to make the same mistakes and find ourselves just another year older, with another shiny new year in front of us?

Well, for me, it has been an adventure of epic proportions. I gave up my apartment in January, went to NYC for a week to rehearse "The Buddy Holly Story", then ran with the show for 11 weeks in Reno, NV. While there, I made some very dear friends, and found a wonderful faith community in the Unitarian Society of Northern Nevada. It was fantastic to be back in the mountains, and to have missed the severe snowstorms of the Northeast last winter. My time in Reno was not without challenge, but thanks to some amazing coaching with Aaron Schmookler, I not only got through it, but I thrived and found many things about the experience for which I am grateful.

From Reno, it was a whirlwind back to MA to design the lighting for the 5 College Dance program, and the Emerging Choreographer Series concert. From there on to Minneapolis, MN to work with the very talented Andrea Assaf and the wonderful folks at Pangea World Theater to produce the world premiere of "Eleven Reflections on September". From there, it was back to MA for a couple weeks, then driving halfway across the country to Carmel, IN, to work.

I worked in IN for about 6 months - I have to admit, when I was offered the job, the feeling in the pit of my stomach was that it wasn't the right fit for me. I convinced myself I was just nervous because it was such a huge change, and accepted the job - if I have learned nothing else this year, it is to trust that gut instinct. Within 2 weeks, I knew I was in the wrong place, but tried to make the best of it. Fortunately, I got on great with the resident companies, and tried to make the best of the situation - for the rest of it, I did have many meetings with management to try to resolve the situation, but with each meeting, it became more obvious to me that it was just a bad fit. So the end of November, I tendered my resignation, and have rarely been so relieved to leave a place.

There are so many feelings associated with my time in IN, and I am grateful for them all. I made some friends that are like family to me, that I know will always be there for me (and I hope they know I will always be there for them). There are some friends that (I don't know who they are) who have been nice to my face, but have gone behind my back on some things - and although I do not appreciate their actions, I hope they know that I believe that they have done what they felt they had to do. I am disappointed that they didn't feel that they could talk to me, and couldn't see that the anger and hurt I expressed was not directed at them, but I do not blame them. I have found that a lot of times people engage (often unaware) in passive-aggressive behavior because they do not have the skills in the moment for face-to-face confrontation, which is never easy.

There were situations that hurt me, and I did not handle some of them well. I have apologized multiple times, both publicly and privately, and feel I have done all that is in my power to make it right (and the others involved have not spoken to me about it, so I do not know what else I can do). Whether they forgive me or not, I hope they know that I am sorry for what happened, and harbor them no ill will.

During my time in IN and immediately following, I helped to produce 2 more productions of "Eleven Reflections on September" - one in Knoxville, TN, and another in Tampa, FL. Both were exceptionally well received, and we are hopeful that funding will continue and allow us to keep touring the production.

Which brings me to the current time - I am still in Tampa, until at least mid-January 2012, housesitting for some friends. I have to say, I adore being in a warm climate during the cold months! For the first time, the seasonal depression isn't debilitating me, and I actually enjoy getting out for a 1-2 mile walk every morning.

I have my bayberry candle to light at midnight with my intention for the year, and champagne to welcome the new year. As I look back on the roller coaster that was 2011, I find myself deeply grateful - for new friends, and all the challenges that I have had that continue to refine the person I want to become. For like children, the best way to learn is to sometimes fall on our faces - so I am grateful for the falls I have taken this year, and look forward to all that 2012 will bring.

Blessings to all from the field of all possibilities. Happy New Year.

a new chapter

Tomorrow begins a new chapter. There are those over the past months that I can say I feel have "done me wrong" - some intentionally, some not. I won't say that it doesn't matter, because I believe how we treat each other does matter.

What I will say is that I am sorry. To Carmel Repertory Theatre, that we had the misunderstanding that we did, and that I didn't handle it better. I still consider you all my friends, and am sad that things came down the way that they did.

I try to be accountable for my actions, and strive daily to live consciously and authentically from my heart. Over the past few months, in some ways, I feel like I've lost track of myself - but am on the road to remembering who I am.

To those who have tried to hurt me - I forgive you. To those who have hurt me by omission, or by listening to untrue rumor and choosing to believe without talking to me and trusting our friendship and who you know me to be - I forgive you. I may not agree with the path you have chosen with regard to our relationship, but I trust the Universe that you are on the path you need to be walking.

Tomorrow is a new day - I embrace it with love, and start a new path in this journey.

Blessed Be. ♥

what I have learned

Nothing in this post should be news to anyone - but maybe, like me, it is time for a reminder.

What I have learned over the past few months in Indiana:

I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect, and work in an environment that is not hostile.

It is not exceptional to expect to do the job I was hired to do.

I have the right to have responsible feedback from my manager if they accuse me of being substandard.

I do NOT have to accept an abusive environment/situation in order to have the illusion of security in my life (like a steady paycheck).

I have the right to walk away if a situation is not what I was told it would be, or if I feel I am in a toxic/abusive situation. And I do not have to explain myself.

Joy is a magnet. When I allow myself to be joyful, regardless of the situation, I do draw to me great things and people.

I am not my circumstances. Regardless of how some choose to see/treat me, I know my worth, and that I am a loving, joyful person.

I choose how I react to situations and people. Just because they are miserable and insecure, doesn't mean that I have to be (that one can be hard).

I am more than the work that I do. However, I know that I am someone who puts who I am into what I do - therefore, it is very important for me to choose a supportive, nurturing environment that celebrates and uses my strengths rather than being threatened by them.

I read somewhere recently that people who own their lives view challenges like athletes view resistance training - it all makes you stronger, and it feels good to have to ramp it up.

In other words, I do not have to settle - and deserve all that makes me happy, fulfilled, and more.

Bring it on. I am a joy magnet.

Get me out of Indiana, please!!

I know I've been quiet for a while - I've been trying to figure out what my next step is. Here's why I've been pulling back for the past couple months...

I agreed to the job in March. Moved here mid-May, started May 31. Aug 8 i'm informed that my status is being changed in hourly because i'm "not working 40 hours consistently" - yet they bring in overhire (local union) for calls that I am perfectly capable of working. When I point that out, it began a process of him grasping at anything he could find or make up to say i'm not good at my job.

i was about 2 weeks away from signing on a house when this came down. i've been hearing from other sources that he makes no secret of saying that i'm an idiot and don't know what i'm doing and will tell pretty much anyone who will listen.

i've been actively looking for work for over 3.5 months - i'm concerned that when the shows in the studio end at the end of november, i won't get my 30+ hours/week and will either lose my job or my benefits.

the irony is i took this job just so i wouldn't have to worry about having a stable income for a while so i could figure out what i really wanted to do - now i'm back to finding a soft place to land so i can figure it all out. i've even been considering taking an office job just to get out of the toxic environment - oh, did i mention that my direct co-workers are taking their cue from our boss and treat me like dirt?

it's creating abused behavior in me - i find myself walking on eggshells, never knowing what will set people off, and trying to be invisible.

i was "banned" from working shows at the Palladium (the concert hall - i only worked one) because "i have the audacity to think i can walk up to anyone and introduce myself" because I was backstage doing my job (in the other building!) and introduced myself to the mayor (i didn't know who he was) when he looked lost. like i said, grasping at anything...

on the up side, I really love my resident companies. They've been doing some great shows, and I love the friends I've made. I'll grudingly admit that Central Indiana can be pretty at times, and I've even had one or two meals that area better than "okay" (I've discovered that Indiana is like England - you won't starve, but you won't have much by way of food to get excited about).

But I have to admit, I look forward to finding a position where I am treated with respect as a person, artist, and professional, where I feel like I can really become part of the community.

Carmel is what it looks like - it is a planned community that is beautiful on the surface, but has no substance or heart. I can't wait to leave.

I currently have applications in at CalArt's Dance department, and at UT-Austin. If you know anyone and could put in a word for me, that would be really appreciated!

House Pictures

Because everyone has been asking, here are the pictures from the realty website - personal ones to follow in the coming weeks...

Front of house




Back of house




Backyard





Master Bedroom




Living Room - odd shaped, but beautiful fireplace and skylights





Last but not least, my favorite - the kitchen. When I saw it, I knew this was the house for me!

The Speed of Life

I recently made someone laugh when I told him I am "the queen of life changing on a dime" - and the last week has really proved it.

It has been a lot of culture shock settling into life in Indiana after 9 1/2 years in Massachusetts. I won't say that I haven't had moments of lonliness, homesickness, and even depression. I have felt lost, alone, and finally decided to make the commitment to fully be where I am, and live my life here to the fullest. As a result, I have started to make friends, and even had one of the best birthdays ever.

Now, it would appear that my leap of faith and commitment is gaining momentum and mass - today I verbally agreed with my realtor to purchase a house. It is a 2 bedroom 2 bath ranch with a "bonus room", fireplace, attached garage, and a nice yard. It has skylights, tons of storage, and is walking distance to restaurants and the library. It is both exciting and terrifying.

It never ceases to amaze me how life really can turn on a dime.


And yes, pictures will be coming soon. :)

The Rhinestone Cowboy

My first show at my new job was in the Palladium itself, doing the load in and being deck crew for Glen Campbell.

In the afternoon, we were doing sound check with the band. They had finished their bit, and it was time for Glen and Jimmy Webb to do theirs. Glen was wandering about the stage because they weren't quite ready yet, and I was sitting stage left in case they needed anything. Glen saw me, came over, extended his hand, and said "Hi! I'm Glen Campbell" with a big smile. I took his hand and stammered, "I know!" He laughed, gave me a big hug, and started telling me stories about being a studio musician in the '70's and how much he misses it.

The show itself was wonderful. Jimmy Webb (composer of some of the most iconic songs of the 60's and 70's including "My Beautiful Balloon" and "MacArthur Park") opened the show. Jimmy was insanely nervous, and finally started breathing backstage when I wished him a good show. You could hear the nerves in his voice as he sang - then due to severe thunderstorms outside, we lost power. For some reason all the lights except the down special on Jimmy went out - when this happened, everyone laughed, Jimmy realized the audience was on his side, and he calmed down. He started telling stories (a lot about his time with Richard Harris in the U.K.) - in fact, they had a job getting him off the stage once he got going - he did nearly an hour and 15!

Then Glen took the stage. He is about 78 years old, and his voice is like honeyed butter. He did a lot of favorites, and even admitted when he messed up the lyrics, even though he had 3 monitors rolling the lyrics in front of him on the stage. Glen was charming, and his final song of "Rhinestone Cowboy" brought the house down.

For me, meeting this icon from my childhood (who gave me guitar pics for me and my mom), was a day I will never forget.