It is approximately 5 1/2 hours until 2012. Like most folks, the past few days I have been mentally reviewing the past year, thinking about all the things that have been wonderful, some not so wonderful, what I could have done differently, and what I have learned (I hope).
Like every year, I think so many of us look at the New Year's Holiday as a chance to "get it right this year" - with a whole shiney new year laid out before us, another chance to change things. But how often do we stay committed to those goals, those "resolutions"? How often have we made the same goals and continued to make the same mistakes and find ourselves just another year older, with another shiny new year in front of us?
Well, for me, it has been an adventure of epic proportions. I gave up my apartment in January, went to NYC for a week to rehearse "The Buddy Holly Story", then ran with the show for 11 weeks in Reno, NV. While there, I made some very dear friends, and found a wonderful faith community in the Unitarian Society of Northern Nevada. It was fantastic to be back in the mountains, and to have missed the severe snowstorms of the Northeast last winter. My time in Reno was not without challenge, but thanks to some amazing coaching with Aaron Schmookler, I not only got through it, but I thrived and found many things about the experience for which I am grateful.
From Reno, it was a whirlwind back to MA to design the lighting for the 5 College Dance program, and the Emerging Choreographer Series concert. From there on to Minneapolis, MN to work with the very talented Andrea Assaf and the wonderful folks at Pangea World Theater to produce the world premiere of "Eleven Reflections on September". From there, it was back to MA for a couple weeks, then driving halfway across the country to Carmel, IN, to work.
I worked in IN for about 6 months - I have to admit, when I was offered the job, the feeling in the pit of my stomach was that it wasn't the right fit for me. I convinced myself I was just nervous because it was such a huge change, and accepted the job - if I have learned nothing else this year, it is to trust that gut instinct. Within 2 weeks, I knew I was in the wrong place, but tried to make the best of it. Fortunately, I got on great with the resident companies, and tried to make the best of the situation - for the rest of it, I did have many meetings with management to try to resolve the situation, but with each meeting, it became more obvious to me that it was just a bad fit. So the end of November, I tendered my resignation, and have rarely been so relieved to leave a place.
There are so many feelings associated with my time in IN, and I am grateful for them all. I made some friends that are like family to me, that I know will always be there for me (and I hope they know I will always be there for them). There are some friends that (I don't know who they are) who have been nice to my face, but have gone behind my back on some things - and although I do not appreciate their actions, I hope they know that I believe that they have done what they felt they had to do. I am disappointed that they didn't feel that they could talk to me, and couldn't see that the anger and hurt I expressed was not directed at them, but I do not blame them. I have found that a lot of times people engage (often unaware) in passive-aggressive behavior because they do not have the skills in the moment for face-to-face confrontation, which is never easy.
There were situations that hurt me, and I did not handle some of them well. I have apologized multiple times, both publicly and privately, and feel I have done all that is in my power to make it right (and the others involved have not spoken to me about it, so I do not know what else I can do). Whether they forgive me or not, I hope they know that I am sorry for what happened, and harbor them no ill will.
During my time in IN and immediately following, I helped to produce 2 more productions of "Eleven Reflections on September" - one in Knoxville, TN, and another in Tampa, FL. Both were exceptionally well received, and we are hopeful that funding will continue and allow us to keep touring the production.
Which brings me to the current time - I am still in Tampa, until at least mid-January 2012, housesitting for some friends. I have to say, I adore being in a warm climate during the cold months! For the first time, the seasonal depression isn't debilitating me, and I actually enjoy getting out for a 1-2 mile walk every morning.
I have my bayberry candle to light at midnight with my intention for the year, and champagne to welcome the new year. As I look back on the roller coaster that was 2011, I find myself deeply grateful - for new friends, and all the challenges that I have had that continue to refine the person I want to become. For like children, the best way to learn is to sometimes fall on our faces - so I am grateful for the falls I have taken this year, and look forward to all that 2012 will bring.
Blessings to all from the field of all possibilities. Happy New Year.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
a new chapter
Tomorrow begins a new chapter. There are those over the past months that I can say I feel have "done me wrong" - some intentionally, some not. I won't say that it doesn't matter, because I believe how we treat each other does matter.
What I will say is that I am sorry. To Carmel Repertory Theatre, that we had the misunderstanding that we did, and that I didn't handle it better. I still consider you all my friends, and am sad that things came down the way that they did.
I try to be accountable for my actions, and strive daily to live consciously and authentically from my heart. Over the past few months, in some ways, I feel like I've lost track of myself - but am on the road to remembering who I am.
To those who have tried to hurt me - I forgive you. To those who have hurt me by omission, or by listening to untrue rumor and choosing to believe without talking to me and trusting our friendship and who you know me to be - I forgive you. I may not agree with the path you have chosen with regard to our relationship, but I trust the Universe that you are on the path you need to be walking.
Tomorrow is a new day - I embrace it with love, and start a new path in this journey.
Blessed Be. ♥
What I will say is that I am sorry. To Carmel Repertory Theatre, that we had the misunderstanding that we did, and that I didn't handle it better. I still consider you all my friends, and am sad that things came down the way that they did.
I try to be accountable for my actions, and strive daily to live consciously and authentically from my heart. Over the past few months, in some ways, I feel like I've lost track of myself - but am on the road to remembering who I am.
To those who have tried to hurt me - I forgive you. To those who have hurt me by omission, or by listening to untrue rumor and choosing to believe without talking to me and trusting our friendship and who you know me to be - I forgive you. I may not agree with the path you have chosen with regard to our relationship, but I trust the Universe that you are on the path you need to be walking.
Tomorrow is a new day - I embrace it with love, and start a new path in this journey.
Blessed Be. ♥
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
what I have learned
Nothing in this post should be news to anyone - but maybe, like me, it is time for a reminder.
What I have learned over the past few months in Indiana:
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect, and work in an environment that is not hostile.
It is not exceptional to expect to do the job I was hired to do.
I have the right to have responsible feedback from my manager if they accuse me of being substandard.
I do NOT have to accept an abusive environment/situation in order to have the illusion of security in my life (like a steady paycheck).
I have the right to walk away if a situation is not what I was told it would be, or if I feel I am in a toxic/abusive situation. And I do not have to explain myself.
Joy is a magnet. When I allow myself to be joyful, regardless of the situation, I do draw to me great things and people.
I am not my circumstances. Regardless of how some choose to see/treat me, I know my worth, and that I am a loving, joyful person.
I choose how I react to situations and people. Just because they are miserable and insecure, doesn't mean that I have to be (that one can be hard).
I am more than the work that I do. However, I know that I am someone who puts who I am into what I do - therefore, it is very important for me to choose a supportive, nurturing environment that celebrates and uses my strengths rather than being threatened by them.
I read somewhere recently that people who own their lives view challenges like athletes view resistance training - it all makes you stronger, and it feels good to have to ramp it up.
In other words, I do not have to settle - and deserve all that makes me happy, fulfilled, and more.
Bring it on. I am a joy magnet.
What I have learned over the past few months in Indiana:
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect, and work in an environment that is not hostile.
It is not exceptional to expect to do the job I was hired to do.
I have the right to have responsible feedback from my manager if they accuse me of being substandard.
I do NOT have to accept an abusive environment/situation in order to have the illusion of security in my life (like a steady paycheck).
I have the right to walk away if a situation is not what I was told it would be, or if I feel I am in a toxic/abusive situation. And I do not have to explain myself.
Joy is a magnet. When I allow myself to be joyful, regardless of the situation, I do draw to me great things and people.
I am not my circumstances. Regardless of how some choose to see/treat me, I know my worth, and that I am a loving, joyful person.
I choose how I react to situations and people. Just because they are miserable and insecure, doesn't mean that I have to be (that one can be hard).
I am more than the work that I do. However, I know that I am someone who puts who I am into what I do - therefore, it is very important for me to choose a supportive, nurturing environment that celebrates and uses my strengths rather than being threatened by them.
I read somewhere recently that people who own their lives view challenges like athletes view resistance training - it all makes you stronger, and it feels good to have to ramp it up.
In other words, I do not have to settle - and deserve all that makes me happy, fulfilled, and more.
Bring it on. I am a joy magnet.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Get me out of Indiana, please!!
I know I've been quiet for a while - I've been trying to figure out what my next step is. Here's why I've been pulling back for the past couple months...
I agreed to the job in March. Moved here mid-May, started May 31. Aug 8 i'm informed that my status is being changed in hourly because i'm "not working 40 hours consistently" - yet they bring in overhire (local union) for calls that I am perfectly capable of working. When I point that out, it began a process of him grasping at anything he could find or make up to say i'm not good at my job.
i was about 2 weeks away from signing on a house when this came down. i've been hearing from other sources that he makes no secret of saying that i'm an idiot and don't know what i'm doing and will tell pretty much anyone who will listen.
i've been actively looking for work for over 3.5 months - i'm concerned that when the shows in the studio end at the end of november, i won't get my 30+ hours/week and will either lose my job or my benefits.
the irony is i took this job just so i wouldn't have to worry about having a stable income for a while so i could figure out what i really wanted to do - now i'm back to finding a soft place to land so i can figure it all out. i've even been considering taking an office job just to get out of the toxic environment - oh, did i mention that my direct co-workers are taking their cue from our boss and treat me like dirt?
it's creating abused behavior in me - i find myself walking on eggshells, never knowing what will set people off, and trying to be invisible.
i was "banned" from working shows at the Palladium (the concert hall - i only worked one) because "i have the audacity to think i can walk up to anyone and introduce myself" because I was backstage doing my job (in the other building!) and introduced myself to the mayor (i didn't know who he was) when he looked lost. like i said, grasping at anything...
on the up side, I really love my resident companies. They've been doing some great shows, and I love the friends I've made. I'll grudingly admit that Central Indiana can be pretty at times, and I've even had one or two meals that area better than "okay" (I've discovered that Indiana is like England - you won't starve, but you won't have much by way of food to get excited about).
But I have to admit, I look forward to finding a position where I am treated with respect as a person, artist, and professional, where I feel like I can really become part of the community.
Carmel is what it looks like - it is a planned community that is beautiful on the surface, but has no substance or heart. I can't wait to leave.
I currently have applications in at CalArt's Dance department, and at UT-Austin. If you know anyone and could put in a word for me, that would be really appreciated!
I agreed to the job in March. Moved here mid-May, started May 31. Aug 8 i'm informed that my status is being changed in hourly because i'm "not working 40 hours consistently" - yet they bring in overhire (local union) for calls that I am perfectly capable of working. When I point that out, it began a process of him grasping at anything he could find or make up to say i'm not good at my job.
i was about 2 weeks away from signing on a house when this came down. i've been hearing from other sources that he makes no secret of saying that i'm an idiot and don't know what i'm doing and will tell pretty much anyone who will listen.
i've been actively looking for work for over 3.5 months - i'm concerned that when the shows in the studio end at the end of november, i won't get my 30+ hours/week and will either lose my job or my benefits.
the irony is i took this job just so i wouldn't have to worry about having a stable income for a while so i could figure out what i really wanted to do - now i'm back to finding a soft place to land so i can figure it all out. i've even been considering taking an office job just to get out of the toxic environment - oh, did i mention that my direct co-workers are taking their cue from our boss and treat me like dirt?
it's creating abused behavior in me - i find myself walking on eggshells, never knowing what will set people off, and trying to be invisible.
i was "banned" from working shows at the Palladium (the concert hall - i only worked one) because "i have the audacity to think i can walk up to anyone and introduce myself" because I was backstage doing my job (in the other building!) and introduced myself to the mayor (i didn't know who he was) when he looked lost. like i said, grasping at anything...
on the up side, I really love my resident companies. They've been doing some great shows, and I love the friends I've made. I'll grudingly admit that Central Indiana can be pretty at times, and I've even had one or two meals that area better than "okay" (I've discovered that Indiana is like England - you won't starve, but you won't have much by way of food to get excited about).
But I have to admit, I look forward to finding a position where I am treated with respect as a person, artist, and professional, where I feel like I can really become part of the community.
Carmel is what it looks like - it is a planned community that is beautiful on the surface, but has no substance or heart. I can't wait to leave.
I currently have applications in at CalArt's Dance department, and at UT-Austin. If you know anyone and could put in a word for me, that would be really appreciated!
Friday, July 22, 2011
House Pictures
Because everyone has been asking, here are the pictures from the realty website - personal ones to follow in the coming weeks...
Front of house
Back of house
Backyard
Master Bedroom
Living Room - odd shaped, but beautiful fireplace and skylights
Last but not least, my favorite - the kitchen. When I saw it, I knew this was the house for me!
Front of house
Back of house
Backyard
Master Bedroom
Living Room - odd shaped, but beautiful fireplace and skylights
Last but not least, my favorite - the kitchen. When I saw it, I knew this was the house for me!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The Speed of Life
I recently made someone laugh when I told him I am "the queen of life changing on a dime" - and the last week has really proved it.
It has been a lot of culture shock settling into life in Indiana after 9 1/2 years in Massachusetts. I won't say that I haven't had moments of lonliness, homesickness, and even depression. I have felt lost, alone, and finally decided to make the commitment to fully be where I am, and live my life here to the fullest. As a result, I have started to make friends, and even had one of the best birthdays ever.
Now, it would appear that my leap of faith and commitment is gaining momentum and mass - today I verbally agreed with my realtor to purchase a house. It is a 2 bedroom 2 bath ranch with a "bonus room", fireplace, attached garage, and a nice yard. It has skylights, tons of storage, and is walking distance to restaurants and the library. It is both exciting and terrifying.
It never ceases to amaze me how life really can turn on a dime.
And yes, pictures will be coming soon. :)
It has been a lot of culture shock settling into life in Indiana after 9 1/2 years in Massachusetts. I won't say that I haven't had moments of lonliness, homesickness, and even depression. I have felt lost, alone, and finally decided to make the commitment to fully be where I am, and live my life here to the fullest. As a result, I have started to make friends, and even had one of the best birthdays ever.
Now, it would appear that my leap of faith and commitment is gaining momentum and mass - today I verbally agreed with my realtor to purchase a house. It is a 2 bedroom 2 bath ranch with a "bonus room", fireplace, attached garage, and a nice yard. It has skylights, tons of storage, and is walking distance to restaurants and the library. It is both exciting and terrifying.
It never ceases to amaze me how life really can turn on a dime.
And yes, pictures will be coming soon. :)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The Rhinestone Cowboy
My first show at my new job was in the Palladium itself, doing the load in and being deck crew for Glen Campbell.
In the afternoon, we were doing sound check with the band. They had finished their bit, and it was time for Glen and Jimmy Webb to do theirs. Glen was wandering about the stage because they weren't quite ready yet, and I was sitting stage left in case they needed anything. Glen saw me, came over, extended his hand, and said "Hi! I'm Glen Campbell" with a big smile. I took his hand and stammered, "I know!" He laughed, gave me a big hug, and started telling me stories about being a studio musician in the '70's and how much he misses it.
The show itself was wonderful. Jimmy Webb (composer of some of the most iconic songs of the 60's and 70's including "My Beautiful Balloon" and "MacArthur Park") opened the show. Jimmy was insanely nervous, and finally started breathing backstage when I wished him a good show. You could hear the nerves in his voice as he sang - then due to severe thunderstorms outside, we lost power. For some reason all the lights except the down special on Jimmy went out - when this happened, everyone laughed, Jimmy realized the audience was on his side, and he calmed down. He started telling stories (a lot about his time with Richard Harris in the U.K.) - in fact, they had a job getting him off the stage once he got going - he did nearly an hour and 15!
Then Glen took the stage. He is about 78 years old, and his voice is like honeyed butter. He did a lot of favorites, and even admitted when he messed up the lyrics, even though he had 3 monitors rolling the lyrics in front of him on the stage. Glen was charming, and his final song of "Rhinestone Cowboy" brought the house down.
For me, meeting this icon from my childhood (who gave me guitar pics for me and my mom), was a day I will never forget.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I live here now?!? part 2
Ah, I forgot to include the details of why I titled the last post what I did... oops!
So on Thursday, 5/19/11, after arriving in Carmel and finding out I couldn't get into my apartment until the next day, I drove through town, looking around and for a place for dinner.
As I drove through town, my brain refused to accept that I live here now. Maybe part of it is because I have been on the road since early January, and it isn't quite real that I am now permanently placed again, after expecting to live on the road for at least a year.
The few days that I have been here (at this writing, it is now Tuesday) have been a bit of a roller-coaster of emotions. Happy to have a place to call my own and nest into that, but mourning the fact that everything and one I know are over a thousand miles away. That I can't just call my friends and get together for coffee or a movie if the spirit strikes.
I know I am fine and will thrive here. It really is my kind of community - arts-based with pretty parks and lots of new places that are great for walking. I am very excited about my new job, and everything about this area. Okay, almost everything - the lighting storms and torrential rains are kinda scary...
But I also feel it is important to honor the part of me that is grieving and going through a huge transition right now. It is interesting that when I state that I'm scared, sad, or anything besides excited, many folks feel the need to reassure me that I am okay and that I "should just be excited" - it is fascinating that so many people are uncomfortable with any kind of discomfort. Just because I am scared or sad, doesn't mean I regret where I am, don't think I'm in the right place, or am not excited - I'm just going through a lot of things right now, and that's all as it should be.
So yeah, even though nothing looks familiar and I'm homesick for what I know, the answer is yes, I do live here now...
So on Thursday, 5/19/11, after arriving in Carmel and finding out I couldn't get into my apartment until the next day, I drove through town, looking around and for a place for dinner.
As I drove through town, my brain refused to accept that I live here now. Maybe part of it is because I have been on the road since early January, and it isn't quite real that I am now permanently placed again, after expecting to live on the road for at least a year.
The few days that I have been here (at this writing, it is now Tuesday) have been a bit of a roller-coaster of emotions. Happy to have a place to call my own and nest into that, but mourning the fact that everything and one I know are over a thousand miles away. That I can't just call my friends and get together for coffee or a movie if the spirit strikes.
I know I am fine and will thrive here. It really is my kind of community - arts-based with pretty parks and lots of new places that are great for walking. I am very excited about my new job, and everything about this area. Okay, almost everything - the lighting storms and torrential rains are kinda scary...
But I also feel it is important to honor the part of me that is grieving and going through a huge transition right now. It is interesting that when I state that I'm scared, sad, or anything besides excited, many folks feel the need to reassure me that I am okay and that I "should just be excited" - it is fascinating that so many people are uncomfortable with any kind of discomfort. Just because I am scared or sad, doesn't mean I regret where I am, don't think I'm in the right place, or am not excited - I'm just going through a lot of things right now, and that's all as it should be.
So yeah, even though nothing looks familiar and I'm homesick for what I know, the answer is yes, I do live here now...
I live here now?!?
Here I am, safe and sound in Carmel, IN, surrounded by a slowly lessening stack of boxes and bins in my new apartment.
I wanted to do updates from the road, but didn't have access to internet - okay, that and I was really tired after driving tons each day.
The first day I made it as far as Bridgeport, CT, and had a great time visiting with my friend Nate, who is in Natureopath school. The next morning after sending Nate off to finals, I drove to Stamford, CT to visit with my friend, Muneeza, and her 2 beautiful daughters. It was a nice, leisurely morning, and a really good visit - but did put me on the road considerably later than anticipated. If there is anything that I learned on this trip, it was the lesson of letting go of expectations and schedules, and allowing things to be what they need to be. I still struggle with that one, but for a little while, I practiced living in the moment rather than the future or past.
The 2nd night I found a campground in Lancaster County, PA and nested in a makeshift bed in the back of my Vibe. It got me through - not the best rest, but enough to keep going the next day.
It was a beautiful morning on the 3rd day, and I really enjoyed a break at Hershey, PA, after driving through some backroads in Lancaster County and taking pictures of barns painted with the designs that the Amish are famous for. I took the Chocolate World factory tour, and a trolley tour of downtown Hershey - I never knew what an incredible philanthropist Milton Hershey was!
From there, I had a couple hours with my friend, Jaynie, in Harrisburg, PA. Then it was back on the road - having loads of adventures in driving in torrential rains (the whole trip was almost all rain) while surrounded by 18-wheelers. After crossing into Ohio, I found a rest area and slept in the car again - this time just putting my seat back.
I did pick up some cheese and fresh sourdough bread at the "Amish Cheese Shop" just over the border in Indiana - oh, delish!! :)
I arrived at my new apartment complex about 1:30 in the afternoon Thursday, only to discover that I wouldn't be able to get into the apartment until Friday morning! So I made some calls, had some dinner and was grateful to be taken in by some new friends in nearby Indianapolis.
Bright and early at 9am, the movers arrived and we unloaded into the apartment - they accomplished in 3 hours what would have taken me at least 3 days - if you ever need moving, Glenn Jocelyn's guys at "Moving and Odd Jobs" in Chicopee, MA are the BEST!!
That brings me pretty much up to date - slowly working my way through the stacks of boxes and bins. Very excited to have an actual dining room and walk-in closet!
I wanted to do updates from the road, but didn't have access to internet - okay, that and I was really tired after driving tons each day.
The first day I made it as far as Bridgeport, CT, and had a great time visiting with my friend Nate, who is in Natureopath school. The next morning after sending Nate off to finals, I drove to Stamford, CT to visit with my friend, Muneeza, and her 2 beautiful daughters. It was a nice, leisurely morning, and a really good visit - but did put me on the road considerably later than anticipated. If there is anything that I learned on this trip, it was the lesson of letting go of expectations and schedules, and allowing things to be what they need to be. I still struggle with that one, but for a little while, I practiced living in the moment rather than the future or past.
The 2nd night I found a campground in Lancaster County, PA and nested in a makeshift bed in the back of my Vibe. It got me through - not the best rest, but enough to keep going the next day.
It was a beautiful morning on the 3rd day, and I really enjoyed a break at Hershey, PA, after driving through some backroads in Lancaster County and taking pictures of barns painted with the designs that the Amish are famous for. I took the Chocolate World factory tour, and a trolley tour of downtown Hershey - I never knew what an incredible philanthropist Milton Hershey was!
From there, I had a couple hours with my friend, Jaynie, in Harrisburg, PA. Then it was back on the road - having loads of adventures in driving in torrential rains (the whole trip was almost all rain) while surrounded by 18-wheelers. After crossing into Ohio, I found a rest area and slept in the car again - this time just putting my seat back.
I did pick up some cheese and fresh sourdough bread at the "Amish Cheese Shop" just over the border in Indiana - oh, delish!! :)
I arrived at my new apartment complex about 1:30 in the afternoon Thursday, only to discover that I wouldn't be able to get into the apartment until Friday morning! So I made some calls, had some dinner and was grateful to be taken in by some new friends in nearby Indianapolis.
Bright and early at 9am, the movers arrived and we unloaded into the apartment - they accomplished in 3 hours what would have taken me at least 3 days - if you ever need moving, Glenn Jocelyn's guys at "Moving and Odd Jobs" in Chicopee, MA are the BEST!!
That brings me pretty much up to date - slowly working my way through the stacks of boxes and bins. Very excited to have an actual dining room and walk-in closet!
Monday, May 16, 2011
on the road part 1
Well, it is finally here - or rather, I am. It has been a very long day, but an amazing one. First, I was woken up by my friend, Jen, texting me. Then saying goodbye to Harper and thanking her for everything and letting me stay with her. It is an amazing thing to have good friends who give you a soft, safe, wonderful place to land and help facilitate transitions.
Then I had coffee with my dear Matthew, then a wonderful adjustment and coffee with my very good friend and Chiropractor, Mindi (please visit www.motiondoc.com). I'm so glad we were finally able to find time to connect and talk.
Next was lunch with my best friend and mentor, Brenda. We've seen each other a bit over the past 2 weeks while working, but how wonderful to get to see each other and just relax and chat.
Then a few mystery shops (4, to be exact) and I was finally out of Massachusetts, getting to see my friend Phil, who is in one of my favorite bands (Selfish Steam).
Finally, driving through off-and-on rain, I am now in Bridgeport, CT, visiting with my good friend Nate, who is here in Naturopathic school. I think it is definitely finals week, as his cat, Ellie, went crazy when I started petting her and giving her attention...
As far as miles go, I didn't get that far - but emotionally, I have been to the moon and back the past couple days....
More soon! :)
Then I had coffee with my dear Matthew, then a wonderful adjustment and coffee with my very good friend and Chiropractor, Mindi (please visit www.motiondoc.com). I'm so glad we were finally able to find time to connect and talk.
Next was lunch with my best friend and mentor, Brenda. We've seen each other a bit over the past 2 weeks while working, but how wonderful to get to see each other and just relax and chat.
Then a few mystery shops (4, to be exact) and I was finally out of Massachusetts, getting to see my friend Phil, who is in one of my favorite bands (Selfish Steam).
Finally, driving through off-and-on rain, I am now in Bridgeport, CT, visiting with my good friend Nate, who is here in Naturopathic school. I think it is definitely finals week, as his cat, Ellie, went crazy when I started petting her and giving her attention...
As far as miles go, I didn't get that far - but emotionally, I have been to the moon and back the past couple days....
More soon! :)
Sunday, May 15, 2011
validation and loose ends
Wow - the past 6 weeks have raced by. Here's the update:
I am truly grateful for my time in Reno - I learned a lot about myself as a person, a professional, and as an artist. By the time I left, I was genuinely sad to leave, both my friends in beautiful Northern Nevada, and also the show. I sincerely hope that folks will keep in touch, and drop by if they are ever in the area.
From Reno, I came back to Western MA to put together the lighting design for the Emerging Choreographer Series dance concert at Hampshire College. This is one of my favorite shows, and I got to work with some of my favorite members of the 5-College Dance Program, including Tristan Drummond, Sierra Boyea, Jean Baxter, and Billbob Brown. I hear the show went well, but didn't get to see it as I flew out to Minneapolis on opening night.
In Minneapolis, I had the gift of seeing "Hiroshima" at Pangea World Theater - this was a work-in-progress of an autobiographical one-man show by a fellow who grew up in Hiroshima, and now lives in the U.S.
The day after Hiroshima closed, I moved in (took over) the space to load in "Eleven Reflections on September", an amazing piece written, directed, and performed by Andrea Assaf. Andrea is a Lebanese-American and New Yorker, who was preparing to return to NYC on 9/11. It is eleven pieces of original poetry, multimedia, and live music. It was an amazing, powerful, performance. It was also a challenge technically. I had 16 lights with which to light the entire piece, with several areas that needed to be specially highlighted. For those who do not understand, the next "smallest" show I've done had about 60 lights. The good news is that I managed to make miracles out of practically nothing, and it was beautiful (so said the Artistic Director!). I have to say, I was very proud of the work I did. In addition to the lighting, I also had to figure out how to make a piece of scenery hang, move to the center of the stage, then fall to the floor on cue - and on a very minimal budget. If you are interested in how it worked, there is a short youtube video at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vB4QB5omDEA
It was amazing working with Pangea. They are a group dedicated to work that really matters. It was empowering and healing to be in an evironment where I felt valued and honored as a person and as an artist. I love working with Andrea, and look forward to seeing my new friends at Pangea again.
On the personal side of my Minneapolis experience, I stayed with a lovely couple and their two cats and 18-month old puppy. It was wonderful to be back with animals again, and to cuddle with a very loving puppy on a daily basis. I keep saying, if you don't think you matter - hang out with a dog... :)
We also had a very interesting turn of events - an hour after we closed out "Eleven Reflections", we got the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed - VERY interesting timing...
Back in Mass, the past 2 weeks have been all about getting everything together and ready for the big move to Indiana. Additionally, I had the gift of seeing "Pilobolus" as UMass-Amherst (if you have a chance to see them, do yourself a huge favor and go - you will SO thank me!). I have been able to connect with a lot of folks while I've been here - some I haven't seen in over a year. It does make me wonder why it seems like it takes someone dying or moving to make us make time for each other? It has been so much fun, I want to make sure I do make plans with folks on a regular basis.
I also got to work one of my favorite events (I even stayed in the area a few extra days to be there) - the Nurses Pinning Ceremony commencement weekend. I always love this event, and working with Maureen and Liz is always such a joy.
I also saw my two beautiful cats - they have adjusted well and settled it, but it was nice to feel like they've missed me...
In some ways it still doesn't seem real that this is all happening. My plans keep changing, and it feels like a lesson in letting go and letting things be what they need to be.
I feel so much gratitude these days. For being given the opportunity to see so many dear friends the past couple weeks, including seeing my darling Leland perform for the first time in over 2 years. Seeing my friend, Robin, doing so well, and moving forward. For being able to stay with my good friend, Harper, and spend time reconnecting (and cooking!) with her. I am so fortunate to have so many amazing, wonderful, talented people in my life.
I feel like everything is wrapping up here. I am excited to begin this new chapter of my life. I am equal parts terrified, sad, and excited. Some folks have had a need to seemingly reassure me that I am doing the right thing - that is not in question for me. It is just interesting that some folks just can't be around someone who is in any state of discomfort, regardless of the reason.
If we aren't uncomfortable - at least a little - we aren't growing. We only grow when we are on the edge of our comfort zone - when we are complacent, we have no need to keep moving...
Next update from the road!!! :)
I am truly grateful for my time in Reno - I learned a lot about myself as a person, a professional, and as an artist. By the time I left, I was genuinely sad to leave, both my friends in beautiful Northern Nevada, and also the show. I sincerely hope that folks will keep in touch, and drop by if they are ever in the area.
From Reno, I came back to Western MA to put together the lighting design for the Emerging Choreographer Series dance concert at Hampshire College. This is one of my favorite shows, and I got to work with some of my favorite members of the 5-College Dance Program, including Tristan Drummond, Sierra Boyea, Jean Baxter, and Billbob Brown. I hear the show went well, but didn't get to see it as I flew out to Minneapolis on opening night.
In Minneapolis, I had the gift of seeing "Hiroshima" at Pangea World Theater - this was a work-in-progress of an autobiographical one-man show by a fellow who grew up in Hiroshima, and now lives in the U.S.
The day after Hiroshima closed, I moved in (took over) the space to load in "Eleven Reflections on September", an amazing piece written, directed, and performed by Andrea Assaf. Andrea is a Lebanese-American and New Yorker, who was preparing to return to NYC on 9/11. It is eleven pieces of original poetry, multimedia, and live music. It was an amazing, powerful, performance. It was also a challenge technically. I had 16 lights with which to light the entire piece, with several areas that needed to be specially highlighted. For those who do not understand, the next "smallest" show I've done had about 60 lights. The good news is that I managed to make miracles out of practically nothing, and it was beautiful (so said the Artistic Director!). I have to say, I was very proud of the work I did. In addition to the lighting, I also had to figure out how to make a piece of scenery hang, move to the center of the stage, then fall to the floor on cue - and on a very minimal budget. If you are interested in how it worked, there is a short youtube video at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vB4QB5omDEA
It was amazing working with Pangea. They are a group dedicated to work that really matters. It was empowering and healing to be in an evironment where I felt valued and honored as a person and as an artist. I love working with Andrea, and look forward to seeing my new friends at Pangea again.
On the personal side of my Minneapolis experience, I stayed with a lovely couple and their two cats and 18-month old puppy. It was wonderful to be back with animals again, and to cuddle with a very loving puppy on a daily basis. I keep saying, if you don't think you matter - hang out with a dog... :)
We also had a very interesting turn of events - an hour after we closed out "Eleven Reflections", we got the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed - VERY interesting timing...
Back in Mass, the past 2 weeks have been all about getting everything together and ready for the big move to Indiana. Additionally, I had the gift of seeing "Pilobolus" as UMass-Amherst (if you have a chance to see them, do yourself a huge favor and go - you will SO thank me!). I have been able to connect with a lot of folks while I've been here - some I haven't seen in over a year. It does make me wonder why it seems like it takes someone dying or moving to make us make time for each other? It has been so much fun, I want to make sure I do make plans with folks on a regular basis.
I also got to work one of my favorite events (I even stayed in the area a few extra days to be there) - the Nurses Pinning Ceremony commencement weekend. I always love this event, and working with Maureen and Liz is always such a joy.
I also saw my two beautiful cats - they have adjusted well and settled it, but it was nice to feel like they've missed me...
In some ways it still doesn't seem real that this is all happening. My plans keep changing, and it feels like a lesson in letting go and letting things be what they need to be.
I feel so much gratitude these days. For being given the opportunity to see so many dear friends the past couple weeks, including seeing my darling Leland perform for the first time in over 2 years. Seeing my friend, Robin, doing so well, and moving forward. For being able to stay with my good friend, Harper, and spend time reconnecting (and cooking!) with her. I am so fortunate to have so many amazing, wonderful, talented people in my life.
I feel like everything is wrapping up here. I am excited to begin this new chapter of my life. I am equal parts terrified, sad, and excited. Some folks have had a need to seemingly reassure me that I am doing the right thing - that is not in question for me. It is just interesting that some folks just can't be around someone who is in any state of discomfort, regardless of the reason.
If we aren't uncomfortable - at least a little - we aren't growing. We only grow when we are on the edge of our comfort zone - when we are complacent, we have no need to keep moving...
Next update from the road!!! :)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
leaping again
Wow - time sure does fly when you are paying attention to other things!
So here's the update - I am currently (4/12/11) in Massachusetts, finishing up the tech for the Emerging Choreographers Series at Hampshire College. It opens on Thursday, the same day I fly to Minneapolis to begin work on the premiere of a piece called "11 Reflections on September", with my good friend and associate, Andrea Assaf. This will be the first real time I have spent in the Twin Cities, and I am looking forward to it.
I did get the job at the Palladium in Carmel, Indiana (http://www.thecenterfortheperformingarts.org/). Check out the virtual tour - this place is AMAZING!! Brand new, state of the art - can't wait to get there. I'll be working as a general "swing tech" - which means that I am a stagehand that does everything.
I have found a wonderful apartment within walking distance of work, downtown, and Whole Foods. I've already got some friends in the area, and have begun to connect to a faith community, and even a few singles meetup groups in the area. It sounds like it is going to be a really fun place to live - it is definitely beautiful.
I'm very excited about my apartment - it is 760sf, with w/d in the unit, covered reserved parking at the back of the building, a walk-in closet about 1/3 the size of the bedroom, and a patio that opens out onto the golf course with 2 ponds in the view.
Things seem to be falling into place, and coming together - I really feel like I am meant to be making this move.
So here's the update - I am currently (4/12/11) in Massachusetts, finishing up the tech for the Emerging Choreographers Series at Hampshire College. It opens on Thursday, the same day I fly to Minneapolis to begin work on the premiere of a piece called "11 Reflections on September", with my good friend and associate, Andrea Assaf. This will be the first real time I have spent in the Twin Cities, and I am looking forward to it.
I did get the job at the Palladium in Carmel, Indiana (http://www.thecenterfortheperformingarts.org/). Check out the virtual tour - this place is AMAZING!! Brand new, state of the art - can't wait to get there. I'll be working as a general "swing tech" - which means that I am a stagehand that does everything.
I have found a wonderful apartment within walking distance of work, downtown, and Whole Foods. I've already got some friends in the area, and have begun to connect to a faith community, and even a few singles meetup groups in the area. It sounds like it is going to be a really fun place to live - it is definitely beautiful.
I'm very excited about my apartment - it is 760sf, with w/d in the unit, covered reserved parking at the back of the building, a walk-in closet about 1/3 the size of the bedroom, and a patio that opens out onto the golf course with 2 ponds in the view.
Things seem to be falling into place, and coming together - I really feel like I am meant to be making this move.
Friday, March 18, 2011
First Dates and Job Interviews
More and more I think that job interviews are like dating. You get all pretty, in an attempt to put your best foot forward. You are anxious, hoping they will like you - at times almost feeling like the puppy in the window with the "pick me, oh please pick me" eyes. Especially if it is a job you really want.
This week I had the honor of interviewing at the Palladium (http://www.thecenterfortheperformingarts.org/) in Carmel, Indiana. It is an incredible facility, and I really liked the folks I met who work there. From the little I saw of the community, I can really see myself there.
But I have to admit, after the past couple months, it is a little scary to think about relocating again, to an area where I have no one I really know, and no friends.
Starting a new job reminds me so much of the first day of school - you go in with all your shiny new supplied and new clothes that mom wouldn't let you wear until school actually started, just KNOWING that this year will be different. That this year I'll make new friends, and people will like me - sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.
Like dating, you never quite know what you're really getting into until you get into it. It seems wonderful, exciting, and exactly what you are looking for, a path into a whole new adventure in life. Then sometimes you get in there and discover that once you pass that seeming "point of no return", you're living with an active alcoholic who likes to be abusive at random times. It can be scary and really isolating - everyone around you just wants to see the pretty sparkly surface, and doesn't want to hear what may be beneath it. And those you try to get through to keep telling you "In this economy/At your age - you're best holding onto what you have - it's not as bad as you make it out to be." So maybe you stay, because you buy into that kind of scarcity thinking - or you stay because you just don't know what else to do.
Or maybe you let go of it all and step out into the great unknown, taking your chances. Maybe you end up with abuse, maybe you end up with dreams come true.
One thing is certain, however: nothing will change until you are willing to do something different.
This week I had the honor of interviewing at the Palladium (http://www.thecenterfortheperformingarts.org/) in Carmel, Indiana. It is an incredible facility, and I really liked the folks I met who work there. From the little I saw of the community, I can really see myself there.
But I have to admit, after the past couple months, it is a little scary to think about relocating again, to an area where I have no one I really know, and no friends.
Starting a new job reminds me so much of the first day of school - you go in with all your shiny new supplied and new clothes that mom wouldn't let you wear until school actually started, just KNOWING that this year will be different. That this year I'll make new friends, and people will like me - sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.
Like dating, you never quite know what you're really getting into until you get into it. It seems wonderful, exciting, and exactly what you are looking for, a path into a whole new adventure in life. Then sometimes you get in there and discover that once you pass that seeming "point of no return", you're living with an active alcoholic who likes to be abusive at random times. It can be scary and really isolating - everyone around you just wants to see the pretty sparkly surface, and doesn't want to hear what may be beneath it. And those you try to get through to keep telling you "In this economy/At your age - you're best holding onto what you have - it's not as bad as you make it out to be." So maybe you stay, because you buy into that kind of scarcity thinking - or you stay because you just don't know what else to do.
Or maybe you let go of it all and step out into the great unknown, taking your chances. Maybe you end up with abuse, maybe you end up with dreams come true.
One thing is certain, however: nothing will change until you are willing to do something different.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Northern Nevada
Wow - I didn't realize it has been so long since I last posted! I should remedy that...
So a lot of folks have been asking what Reno and Northern Nevada is like. I can only offer my own insights here, but think it may be time to do so.
First of all, Reno is unique that it is a blend of both desert and mountains. It is dry, cold at night, and warmer during the day. It is wonderful to be back in the mountains again - and they are especially pretty with the snow on them. However, my body doesn't seem to like the altitude - I don't feel like I've been able to breathe properly since I got here. There is also a phenomenon called "Tahoe Throat" that has plagued all the performers, from Sinatra on down to my own cast. You always feel like you have something stuck in your throat, and seem to constantly be clearing it. Makes it real fun for singers.
The towns I've been in so far are Reno and Carson City. Both are smaller than you would imagine, and charming in their own way. Neither of them seems to understand the concept of clearing snow off sidewalks, however, which is dead annoying. The other really irritating thing about Reno is that no one picks up after their dog - I mean no one. There is a grassy area around the corner (and a few sidewalks, too) that look like pure dog poop. Yes, ewwww.....
Downtown Reno is primarily casinos, liquor stores and tourist shops. It is a tad on the seedy side (the loss of tourism has really hit hard here), and often feels sad to me. The locals, however, are some of the most delightful people I have met. The folks at the local UU church go out of their way to make me feel welcome and at home, and the crew I work with is top-flight. A little cliqueish at times, but great.
Carson City isn't quite as friendly, but a lovely place to spend a day. The capitol building is not to be missed, and I had the best (and most expensive) pizza of my life at a little place called B'Sghetti's on the main drag while killing time for the bus to go back to Reno.
I have to say, it's not a place I would have come intentionally, but I am glad I am here, and I am happy that I will have friends to see whenever I am back this way.
So a lot of folks have been asking what Reno and Northern Nevada is like. I can only offer my own insights here, but think it may be time to do so.
First of all, Reno is unique that it is a blend of both desert and mountains. It is dry, cold at night, and warmer during the day. It is wonderful to be back in the mountains again - and they are especially pretty with the snow on them. However, my body doesn't seem to like the altitude - I don't feel like I've been able to breathe properly since I got here. There is also a phenomenon called "Tahoe Throat" that has plagued all the performers, from Sinatra on down to my own cast. You always feel like you have something stuck in your throat, and seem to constantly be clearing it. Makes it real fun for singers.
The towns I've been in so far are Reno and Carson City. Both are smaller than you would imagine, and charming in their own way. Neither of them seems to understand the concept of clearing snow off sidewalks, however, which is dead annoying. The other really irritating thing about Reno is that no one picks up after their dog - I mean no one. There is a grassy area around the corner (and a few sidewalks, too) that look like pure dog poop. Yes, ewwww.....
Downtown Reno is primarily casinos, liquor stores and tourist shops. It is a tad on the seedy side (the loss of tourism has really hit hard here), and often feels sad to me. The locals, however, are some of the most delightful people I have met. The folks at the local UU church go out of their way to make me feel welcome and at home, and the crew I work with is top-flight. A little cliqueish at times, but great.
Carson City isn't quite as friendly, but a lovely place to spend a day. The capitol building is not to be missed, and I had the best (and most expensive) pizza of my life at a little place called B'Sghetti's on the main drag while killing time for the bus to go back to Reno.
I have to say, it's not a place I would have come intentionally, but I am glad I am here, and I am happy that I will have friends to see whenever I am back this way.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
what is a "Valentine"?
I find this so-called holiday amazing, amusing, and fascinating. Amazing because it seem to polarize people so much. Amusing because people do get so bent out of shape about it (I know - I have been one of them). Fascinating because people don't (it seems) to know what it is they are celebrating.
First of all, it is a Catholic Saint - most of the folks I know who observe St. Valentine's feast day (for that is what it is) are a) not Catholic (or are non-practicing), b) don't know what St. Valentine is known for. Even from a Catholic website about saints, it says that he was martyred under Claudius, but I can't find anything noteworthy about him except that he died (as did a lot of other people). He apparently did, as one of his final acts, send a note to a woman, signed "Love, Your Valentine" - but that's about all I can find. http://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=159
Now don't get me wrong - I am all for taking a day and celebrating the love you share with someone. I won't say, however, that this particular holiday has, at times, seemed like a plot to make single, unattached people feel bad. More so than the jewelery commercials at Christmas, the advertising campaigns are "the whole world is in love" - and if you aren't one of them, well, aren't you pathetic.
It seems to be getting worse, too - now that the social media has picked up on it. I admit - last year I was very sad at Valentine's Day - I had just found out that my ex-boyfriend, who I was hoping to reconcile with, had just gotten engaged - so yeah, it wasn't a happy day for me (or the few preceding it, either). I made the mistake of checking my facebook account that day, and all I saw were statuses of "put up a pic of you and your sweetie and say how long you've been blissfully happy together!" - needless to say, that didn't feel so good, and I said so.
Part of why this is an interesting holiday to me is because of what appears to be extreme division over it. It's like you have to either be blissfully in love, or pathetically single - like there is no middle ground. I mean, what about those folks who are in relationships, but they may not be all that happy? I've had a few of them really get in my face trying to convince me they are happy on Valentine's Day (or perhaps they are trying to convince themself?) so that they won't have to join the pathetic hoardes of singletons out there.
There seems to be very little tolerance or compassion on the part of people in relationships for those who struggle with Valentine's Day - a brief foray into facebook yesterday showed an amazing number of comments like "Stop bitching that you hate Valentine's Day! You're obviously so pathetic that it's no wonder no one wants to be your valentine!" In fact, the fiance (who I considered a friend) of one of my best friends has not spoken to me in exactly a year now because I was one of the "love grinches" last year - so much so, that when I go to visit my girlfriend, it tends to be arranged for when the fiance is out of the house. (I have apologized and do regret expressing my grief the way that I did - it is my genuine hope that someday this will be healed)
Then you have the folks who try to make the singletons feel better - the "well, since you don't have a 'special someone', you can make your, um, cat/dog, something else your valentine!" The intention is good, but the impression is that you are still somehow lacking because you don't have that "someone special."
That said, who is to say who a "special someone" is? Personally, I really miss my male cat, Dash - who really was the most loving, committed, unconditional male I have ever had in my life! Who is to say that it isn't the child of a single mom, a woman who courageously is devoting her time and resources to raising a wonderful human being? Who says it must to be someone that you are having an intimate physical relationship with and buy chocolate, flowers and candy for?
I propose this: they say you cannot find real love until you truly love, honor, and appreciate yourself. Therefore, become your own valentine. Learn to treat and honor yourself if the way you would the most beloved of lovers. For then, in my humble opinion, will you truly celebrate St. Valentine's Day.
First of all, it is a Catholic Saint - most of the folks I know who observe St. Valentine's feast day (for that is what it is) are a) not Catholic (or are non-practicing), b) don't know what St. Valentine is known for. Even from a Catholic website about saints, it says that he was martyred under Claudius, but I can't find anything noteworthy about him except that he died (as did a lot of other people). He apparently did, as one of his final acts, send a note to a woman, signed "Love, Your Valentine" - but that's about all I can find. http://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=159
Now don't get me wrong - I am all for taking a day and celebrating the love you share with someone. I won't say, however, that this particular holiday has, at times, seemed like a plot to make single, unattached people feel bad. More so than the jewelery commercials at Christmas, the advertising campaigns are "the whole world is in love" - and if you aren't one of them, well, aren't you pathetic.
It seems to be getting worse, too - now that the social media has picked up on it. I admit - last year I was very sad at Valentine's Day - I had just found out that my ex-boyfriend, who I was hoping to reconcile with, had just gotten engaged - so yeah, it wasn't a happy day for me (or the few preceding it, either). I made the mistake of checking my facebook account that day, and all I saw were statuses of "put up a pic of you and your sweetie and say how long you've been blissfully happy together!" - needless to say, that didn't feel so good, and I said so.
Part of why this is an interesting holiday to me is because of what appears to be extreme division over it. It's like you have to either be blissfully in love, or pathetically single - like there is no middle ground. I mean, what about those folks who are in relationships, but they may not be all that happy? I've had a few of them really get in my face trying to convince me they are happy on Valentine's Day (or perhaps they are trying to convince themself?) so that they won't have to join the pathetic hoardes of singletons out there.
There seems to be very little tolerance or compassion on the part of people in relationships for those who struggle with Valentine's Day - a brief foray into facebook yesterday showed an amazing number of comments like "Stop bitching that you hate Valentine's Day! You're obviously so pathetic that it's no wonder no one wants to be your valentine!" In fact, the fiance (who I considered a friend) of one of my best friends has not spoken to me in exactly a year now because I was one of the "love grinches" last year - so much so, that when I go to visit my girlfriend, it tends to be arranged for when the fiance is out of the house. (I have apologized and do regret expressing my grief the way that I did - it is my genuine hope that someday this will be healed)
Then you have the folks who try to make the singletons feel better - the "well, since you don't have a 'special someone', you can make your, um, cat/dog, something else your valentine!" The intention is good, but the impression is that you are still somehow lacking because you don't have that "someone special."
That said, who is to say who a "special someone" is? Personally, I really miss my male cat, Dash - who really was the most loving, committed, unconditional male I have ever had in my life! Who is to say that it isn't the child of a single mom, a woman who courageously is devoting her time and resources to raising a wonderful human being? Who says it must to be someone that you are having an intimate physical relationship with and buy chocolate, flowers and candy for?
I propose this: they say you cannot find real love until you truly love, honor, and appreciate yourself. Therefore, become your own valentine. Learn to treat and honor yourself if the way you would the most beloved of lovers. For then, in my humble opinion, will you truly celebrate St. Valentine's Day.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
looking forward
There is so much power in having something to look forward to. It makes you want to get out of bed in the morning, and often gives you the strength to get through the day. And it is really true, it is all in how you look at things.
This past week has been very interesting. I have been putting our resumes again, looking for my next right step. I got an interview in a place I had never really considered living before - central Indiana, just North of Indianapolis. It sounds like an amazing opportunity, and my only reservation is that it is snow/ice in the winters, and humid in the summers (why does it seem like all the great jobs are in that kind of climate??).
One of the interesting things that has happened is it seems like as soon as I decided to let go of really caring so much about what other people think/do, and look at this situation as an opportunity to sharpen my skills and get to know myself better, it is like a dam bursting - suddenly opportunities are everywhere.
Admittedly, I had planned to spend at least 2 years touring and a part of me is like "Hey! We're travelling, here!" - but a really big part of me is excited about the possibility of finding a real "home", with a full time job doing what I love. So many possibilities right now...
I had another great session with my life coach today, and one of the "homework" pieces he gave me is to find a creative project. It doesn't have to be anything huge, but something to challenge myself with. The idea is that is if I keep challenging myself to grow in small ways, the larger picture and understanding of where I ultimately want to be/doing/becoming will come more into focus.
So today I am looking forward to finding things to look forward to.
This past week has been very interesting. I have been putting our resumes again, looking for my next right step. I got an interview in a place I had never really considered living before - central Indiana, just North of Indianapolis. It sounds like an amazing opportunity, and my only reservation is that it is snow/ice in the winters, and humid in the summers (why does it seem like all the great jobs are in that kind of climate??).
One of the interesting things that has happened is it seems like as soon as I decided to let go of really caring so much about what other people think/do, and look at this situation as an opportunity to sharpen my skills and get to know myself better, it is like a dam bursting - suddenly opportunities are everywhere.
Admittedly, I had planned to spend at least 2 years touring and a part of me is like "Hey! We're travelling, here!" - but a really big part of me is excited about the possibility of finding a real "home", with a full time job doing what I love. So many possibilities right now...
I had another great session with my life coach today, and one of the "homework" pieces he gave me is to find a creative project. It doesn't have to be anything huge, but something to challenge myself with. The idea is that is if I keep challenging myself to grow in small ways, the larger picture and understanding of where I ultimately want to be/doing/becoming will come more into focus.
So today I am looking forward to finding things to look forward to.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
the power of affirmation - part deux
I have received some wonderful, supportive responses to my last post - thank you. :)
It has made me realize just how powerful it is to be affirmed - and to feel appreciated. One of the responses came from someone that I both see as a friend and look up to as a mentor - and it floored me when she said she was glad to see someone articulating things that she has been feeling. And I realized that I had never really said how much I respect her and her work - so I told her so.
And in the telling, realized the power of acknowledging and appreciating others. Those who know me, know I do not give false praise - that if I am saying I appreciate something about you, it is because it is true. By the same token, if you ask for a critique of something to make it better, I will likewise be as lovingly honest as I can.
Like gratitude, expressing appreciation makes you appreciate yourself as well - and makes it more difficult to stay in that dark place - after all, who has seen a depressed, sad, grateful person??
It has made me realize just how powerful it is to be affirmed - and to feel appreciated. One of the responses came from someone that I both see as a friend and look up to as a mentor - and it floored me when she said she was glad to see someone articulating things that she has been feeling. And I realized that I had never really said how much I respect her and her work - so I told her so.
And in the telling, realized the power of acknowledging and appreciating others. Those who know me, know I do not give false praise - that if I am saying I appreciate something about you, it is because it is true. By the same token, if you ask for a critique of something to make it better, I will likewise be as lovingly honest as I can.
Like gratitude, expressing appreciation makes you appreciate yourself as well - and makes it more difficult to stay in that dark place - after all, who has seen a depressed, sad, grateful person??
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
the power of affirmation
I've realized the past couple weeks how powerful it is to be acknowledged and affirmed.
There have been some really challenging moments getting this show off the ground and running. Some have been clashes between my style of working and other people's, some have involved learning to not let myself get drawn into others' issues (really hard when they're yelling at you at the top of their lungs in front of a roomful of people), and doing work that few others see.
I have joked for years that "if I do my job right, no one knows I exist" - which is really actually true - and I realize that sometimes it is really hard when no one knows (or notices) how hard I work and what a good job I do sometimes.
I remember just before the show opened - the director was meeting with the cast, and asked them to give a big round of applause to all the hard-working crew - the TD who built the set, the set designer, the painter, the lighting designer, the costume folk, the deckhands - then he happened to turn and see me and added as an afterthought - "oh, um, and Kat". At that point, I'd been working my butt off for 14 hours a day for the past week to help get everything together. I didn't think much of it at the time.
But I have been thinking about it over the past few days. There has been a feeling of disconnect between myself and the cast - it seems that the only time they notice I exist is when they want something. For the most part it isn't a big deal, as I know I have very different approach to life - for instance, I like to get up early and take walks and exercise in the mornings (early meaning 9am) - they like to go out to the bar until 3 am after the show (I am not, never have been, and likely never will be a regular bar person). I like finding little places to walk to and meditate, and sit and read in my new favorite coffee place - and it's all good.
I also realized that I never stated some clear boundaries the other day, when I got yelled at by one of the performers because he wanted to be let into the instrument storage at 3:45pm in the afternoon (since the show wasn't until 8pm I wasn't planning to be in the space until after 5:30pm), and I was taking a nap at my apartment. So I sent out an email to the group, saying that, like them, until just before showtime, I am rarely in the space, and unless something is urgent, I likely won't address it until I am in my office. That they can feel free to text or call if it is urgent, but to please keep in mind that I have a life here too.
I met with my life coach this past Saturday, and he commented the he heard only "disdain, derision, and condescention" in my email to the cast. I was a tad crestfallen, as I felt I had taken a huge step in setting some boundaries. Looking at it now I think both statements may be correct.
The point here is that no, it isn't perfect - and I am choosing to see my time here as a great cauldron of learning time. They are bringing me the lessons I really need to learn right now - personally and professionally. Professionally - reminders about how to do this kind of stage management work. Personally - about perspective, compassion, and how to talk to others. And, in many ways, how to validate myself.
I realized Saturday evening after the 2nd show that I work to use a lot of "please/thank you" when I talk to my crew, at the end of every show I thank them for a job well done, and I say something when I see them do something exceptionally well. I don't know how they feel about me, but I mean it when I tell them that they are an excellent crew, and that I am glad I have them.
This past week I have been feeling the fact that I am thousands of miles from my home, I miss my friends, I miss my cats, and I miss having someone to talk to. I eat most meals alone with my book, and I spend a lot of time by myself outside of work. I have been both homesick and very, very lonely - and not just a little feeling sorry for myself. It hit me that I feel very taken for granted with this company, and that no one seems to appreciate how hard I am working.
I decided to go to church on Sunday morning, even though I didn't want to. I am so glad I did. I'm not sure what changed, but halfway through the service, I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - I do a damned good job, and I know it. I appreciate others when they do a good job, and I let them know that I appreciate them. My natural state is one of joy, and life is to darn short to be miserable - so it really doesn't matter if they like me, talk to me, or respect me - because I do give these things to myself. In fact, I am HAPPY to see them all, because it means they are bringing the lessons I most need to learn right now - and it really doesn't matter how they see me.
I am going to do just fine - because I already am.
There have been some really challenging moments getting this show off the ground and running. Some have been clashes between my style of working and other people's, some have involved learning to not let myself get drawn into others' issues (really hard when they're yelling at you at the top of their lungs in front of a roomful of people), and doing work that few others see.
I have joked for years that "if I do my job right, no one knows I exist" - which is really actually true - and I realize that sometimes it is really hard when no one knows (or notices) how hard I work and what a good job I do sometimes.
I remember just before the show opened - the director was meeting with the cast, and asked them to give a big round of applause to all the hard-working crew - the TD who built the set, the set designer, the painter, the lighting designer, the costume folk, the deckhands - then he happened to turn and see me and added as an afterthought - "oh, um, and Kat". At that point, I'd been working my butt off for 14 hours a day for the past week to help get everything together. I didn't think much of it at the time.
But I have been thinking about it over the past few days. There has been a feeling of disconnect between myself and the cast - it seems that the only time they notice I exist is when they want something. For the most part it isn't a big deal, as I know I have very different approach to life - for instance, I like to get up early and take walks and exercise in the mornings (early meaning 9am) - they like to go out to the bar until 3 am after the show (I am not, never have been, and likely never will be a regular bar person). I like finding little places to walk to and meditate, and sit and read in my new favorite coffee place - and it's all good.
I also realized that I never stated some clear boundaries the other day, when I got yelled at by one of the performers because he wanted to be let into the instrument storage at 3:45pm in the afternoon (since the show wasn't until 8pm I wasn't planning to be in the space until after 5:30pm), and I was taking a nap at my apartment. So I sent out an email to the group, saying that, like them, until just before showtime, I am rarely in the space, and unless something is urgent, I likely won't address it until I am in my office. That they can feel free to text or call if it is urgent, but to please keep in mind that I have a life here too.
I met with my life coach this past Saturday, and he commented the he heard only "disdain, derision, and condescention" in my email to the cast. I was a tad crestfallen, as I felt I had taken a huge step in setting some boundaries. Looking at it now I think both statements may be correct.
The point here is that no, it isn't perfect - and I am choosing to see my time here as a great cauldron of learning time. They are bringing me the lessons I really need to learn right now - personally and professionally. Professionally - reminders about how to do this kind of stage management work. Personally - about perspective, compassion, and how to talk to others. And, in many ways, how to validate myself.
I realized Saturday evening after the 2nd show that I work to use a lot of "please/thank you" when I talk to my crew, at the end of every show I thank them for a job well done, and I say something when I see them do something exceptionally well. I don't know how they feel about me, but I mean it when I tell them that they are an excellent crew, and that I am glad I have them.
This past week I have been feeling the fact that I am thousands of miles from my home, I miss my friends, I miss my cats, and I miss having someone to talk to. I eat most meals alone with my book, and I spend a lot of time by myself outside of work. I have been both homesick and very, very lonely - and not just a little feeling sorry for myself. It hit me that I feel very taken for granted with this company, and that no one seems to appreciate how hard I am working.
I decided to go to church on Sunday morning, even though I didn't want to. I am so glad I did. I'm not sure what changed, but halfway through the service, I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - I do a damned good job, and I know it. I appreciate others when they do a good job, and I let them know that I appreciate them. My natural state is one of joy, and life is to darn short to be miserable - so it really doesn't matter if they like me, talk to me, or respect me - because I do give these things to myself. In fact, I am HAPPY to see them all, because it means they are bringing the lessons I most need to learn right now - and it really doesn't matter how they see me.
I am going to do just fine - because I already am.
Friday, February 4, 2011
breathe, exhale, repeat...
They say everything happens for a reason, and I am fairly inclined to believe it. It has been about a month now since I began this new phase of my life, and it has already brought with it some amazing lessons.
It was really hard dropping my cats off at their new home. I know they are in a great place, and have been getting updates that they are doing well, but my heart is so empty without their loving presence and beautiful, sweet faces. It was crushing to give up the only real home I have ever known, and to say goodbye to my life and my friends in Northampton.
That said, it was fun spending a few days with my good friend, Bobby, in Jersey City, and having the chance to get to know him better. The first few days of working on the show were a real "honeymoon", and settled into the "real" work once we got to Reno.
There are times I feel like I really did lose a piece of myself when I was married. It seems like it used to be so easy for me to be in social situations and be part of what is going on around me. Now it seems like it requires more effort, and is often difficult - or rather seems to be.
I have gotten into a routine here - water aerobics at 9am, maybe yoga at 11am, lunch, shower, a nice walk, and an hour or so with my book at my new favorite coffee place. Then dinner, work the show, and bed. Maybe errands or exploring a new place on my one day off. I have made some lovely acquaintences that I say hello to at the hotel, and some of the women in my aerobics class are really lovely and I enjoy chatting with them in the hot tub after class.
I won't say that I wasn't hoping for at least a little camraderie with the group I work with, but I have discovered that I am just at a different place in my life. They enjoy going out drinking after the show - I have never been much of a bar person, so although I'll occasionally join them, it really isn't my thing. Some are more friendly and conversational than others, but for the most part I find myself on my own. Fortunately, I find that I enjoy my own company and rarely feel lonely. Homesick on occasion, but rarely lonely.
Speaking of homesick - I have had a few instances of forgetting where I am. Like when I went to the mall the other day - it is much like any other mall - I was thinking what I would do after, the errands I would run. Then I walked out of the store and realized that I was nowhere near my car, and my "home" doesn't exist anymore. It is so weird when that happens. Just like when I finish the show for the night - I am so used to closing up a quiet theater, that the first few times when I walked out into the casino, it was like being assaulted - all the noise, lights and people.
I am grateful for this opportunity. It has been a long time since I did this kind of Stage Management, and it is good to be extending my experience. Each day brings a new reminder or lesson, and I am grateful.
And I am REALLY grateful that I escaped New England before the major winter hit....
It was really hard dropping my cats off at their new home. I know they are in a great place, and have been getting updates that they are doing well, but my heart is so empty without their loving presence and beautiful, sweet faces. It was crushing to give up the only real home I have ever known, and to say goodbye to my life and my friends in Northampton.
That said, it was fun spending a few days with my good friend, Bobby, in Jersey City, and having the chance to get to know him better. The first few days of working on the show were a real "honeymoon", and settled into the "real" work once we got to Reno.
There are times I feel like I really did lose a piece of myself when I was married. It seems like it used to be so easy for me to be in social situations and be part of what is going on around me. Now it seems like it requires more effort, and is often difficult - or rather seems to be.
I have gotten into a routine here - water aerobics at 9am, maybe yoga at 11am, lunch, shower, a nice walk, and an hour or so with my book at my new favorite coffee place. Then dinner, work the show, and bed. Maybe errands or exploring a new place on my one day off. I have made some lovely acquaintences that I say hello to at the hotel, and some of the women in my aerobics class are really lovely and I enjoy chatting with them in the hot tub after class.
I won't say that I wasn't hoping for at least a little camraderie with the group I work with, but I have discovered that I am just at a different place in my life. They enjoy going out drinking after the show - I have never been much of a bar person, so although I'll occasionally join them, it really isn't my thing. Some are more friendly and conversational than others, but for the most part I find myself on my own. Fortunately, I find that I enjoy my own company and rarely feel lonely. Homesick on occasion, but rarely lonely.
Speaking of homesick - I have had a few instances of forgetting where I am. Like when I went to the mall the other day - it is much like any other mall - I was thinking what I would do after, the errands I would run. Then I walked out of the store and realized that I was nowhere near my car, and my "home" doesn't exist anymore. It is so weird when that happens. Just like when I finish the show for the night - I am so used to closing up a quiet theater, that the first few times when I walked out into the casino, it was like being assaulted - all the noise, lights and people.
I am grateful for this opportunity. It has been a long time since I did this kind of Stage Management, and it is good to be extending my experience. Each day brings a new reminder or lesson, and I am grateful.
And I am REALLY grateful that I escaped New England before the major winter hit....
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Endings and Beginnings
First off, happy 2011 everyone! :)
There seems to be a lot of confusion surrounding the changes that I am making, so let me summarize before I dive into the topic of the day....
In December, I was offered a job with Jersey Shore Entertainment (no, they are NOT connected to the tv show!) to be the Production Stage Manager at the El Dorado Hotel and Casino in Reno, NV for "The Buddy Holly Story". I am leaving Saturday, 1/8/11 to NYC for a week for rehearsals, then fly to Reno on Jan 14 to open the show on Jan 23.
After "Buddy", I will return to Western Mass for a week and a half to design the Emerging Choreographers Dance concert at Hampshire College, then on April 15, fly to Minneapolis, MN, so work with my dear friend, Andrea Assaf, on a new piece of work for the Pangea World Festival.
After that, I am not sure yet where I will be heading. I love traveling, and am very excited about the opportunities that are opening up for me - but because I will likely be on the road for the next 6 months to possibly 2 years (or more), I realized that it doesn't really make sense for me to keep my apartment (that has black mould, and I really needed to move anyway) - so I made the choice to give it up, and also realized that I needed to find a more permanent, stable home for my two cats, Chloe and Jenny. Giving up the girls was devastating, and hands down the hardest thing I have ever done. I know they are in the best possible place (I wouldn't have placed them there if I didn't believe it! They are with friends who are the parents of dear friends), and I know they will be loved as spoiled as is their due. But it is still hard, and my life, house, bed, and heart all immensely feel their absence.
The other hard part to get my head around is that I won't be living in my apartment anymore. As I said above, there is a mould issue, and I am certain it has been contributing to my ongoing health and depression issues. But the fact remains that this has been my first "real" home - the only one I have ever really known - and even though 97% of my stuff is now gone (it went to the storage unit today), it still seems impossible that my home isn't my home anymore. And it is a truly bizarre feeling to be moving but not moving - in other words, I don't have the exciting new place to go putter in when I finish here for the night - weird.
Now don't get me wrong - so many folks are wicked excited for me, and seem happy that I keep this blog, so they can, in a sense, run away with me (a few have even admitted to being a little jealous!) - and I am truly grateful for your enthusiasm and support. And I am truly excited about beginning this next, amazing phase of my life.
However, I wouldn't be being fair or honest with myself if I didn't take some time to process and feel the full range of what I am going through. Excitement - check. Nervous fear - check. Abject grief - check. Sad - check.
Because no matter how exciting the next steps are, these changes are HUGE. Giving up my kids, my home, my entire life to step into the field of all possibility - not exactly where I pictured my life being at this age. I honestly thought I would be married, with a couple kids, house, dog, cats, and a stable job - not putting my life into a storage unit and leaping into the great unknown, single but not really alone (love you all!).
So I allow myself to be sad (and yes, I even indulge in some "not great" comfort food and don't beat myself up about it). When the grief and missing my cats hit, or I get overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of what I am doing, I let the feelings come. I stop, I cry, I feel, I go on. The main thing is that I don't try to slap a happy face on it and say that it is all okay - because it isn't. It isn't bad, but it is scary, it is hard, and it is emotional.
That is why I ask folks who try to tell me "oh, it's for the best that _____ is happening" - I KNOW that, or I wouldn't be doing it. Unfortunately, in our culture, people are uncomfortable with expressions of emotion, especially grief, and they immediately try to jump to making you feel better. I am not wallowing, and I am not being stuck - but I am honoring my journey, which includes my grief.
So there are days when (like when I dropped off the cats) that I post about how sad I am and how hard this is - and I ignore the folks that try to cheer me up, and embrace the ones that just send hugs and love - because what I need and want right now are hugs and love. I know I am taking the right steps for both me and my cats, that we are all on the path to being where and what we are meant to be - but in this moment, the grief waves are hitting hard and fast, and I sit and cry as I type, I let myself ride the wave as the tears flow, I fully feel how much I miss my cats, and how much I will miss this quirly little apartment in this funky little town. Then I blow my nose, and I go back to work cleaning off my desk and packing up the last of the stuff, hopefully to finish most if not all of my to-do list tonight.
Happy New Year - and next update from the road of all possibilities! :D
There seems to be a lot of confusion surrounding the changes that I am making, so let me summarize before I dive into the topic of the day....
In December, I was offered a job with Jersey Shore Entertainment (no, they are NOT connected to the tv show!) to be the Production Stage Manager at the El Dorado Hotel and Casino in Reno, NV for "The Buddy Holly Story". I am leaving Saturday, 1/8/11 to NYC for a week for rehearsals, then fly to Reno on Jan 14 to open the show on Jan 23.
After "Buddy", I will return to Western Mass for a week and a half to design the Emerging Choreographers Dance concert at Hampshire College, then on April 15, fly to Minneapolis, MN, so work with my dear friend, Andrea Assaf, on a new piece of work for the Pangea World Festival.
After that, I am not sure yet where I will be heading. I love traveling, and am very excited about the opportunities that are opening up for me - but because I will likely be on the road for the next 6 months to possibly 2 years (or more), I realized that it doesn't really make sense for me to keep my apartment (that has black mould, and I really needed to move anyway) - so I made the choice to give it up, and also realized that I needed to find a more permanent, stable home for my two cats, Chloe and Jenny. Giving up the girls was devastating, and hands down the hardest thing I have ever done. I know they are in the best possible place (I wouldn't have placed them there if I didn't believe it! They are with friends who are the parents of dear friends), and I know they will be loved as spoiled as is their due. But it is still hard, and my life, house, bed, and heart all immensely feel their absence.
The other hard part to get my head around is that I won't be living in my apartment anymore. As I said above, there is a mould issue, and I am certain it has been contributing to my ongoing health and depression issues. But the fact remains that this has been my first "real" home - the only one I have ever really known - and even though 97% of my stuff is now gone (it went to the storage unit today), it still seems impossible that my home isn't my home anymore. And it is a truly bizarre feeling to be moving but not moving - in other words, I don't have the exciting new place to go putter in when I finish here for the night - weird.
Now don't get me wrong - so many folks are wicked excited for me, and seem happy that I keep this blog, so they can, in a sense, run away with me (a few have even admitted to being a little jealous!) - and I am truly grateful for your enthusiasm and support. And I am truly excited about beginning this next, amazing phase of my life.
However, I wouldn't be being fair or honest with myself if I didn't take some time to process and feel the full range of what I am going through. Excitement - check. Nervous fear - check. Abject grief - check. Sad - check.
Because no matter how exciting the next steps are, these changes are HUGE. Giving up my kids, my home, my entire life to step into the field of all possibility - not exactly where I pictured my life being at this age. I honestly thought I would be married, with a couple kids, house, dog, cats, and a stable job - not putting my life into a storage unit and leaping into the great unknown, single but not really alone (love you all!).
So I allow myself to be sad (and yes, I even indulge in some "not great" comfort food and don't beat myself up about it). When the grief and missing my cats hit, or I get overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of what I am doing, I let the feelings come. I stop, I cry, I feel, I go on. The main thing is that I don't try to slap a happy face on it and say that it is all okay - because it isn't. It isn't bad, but it is scary, it is hard, and it is emotional.
That is why I ask folks who try to tell me "oh, it's for the best that _____ is happening" - I KNOW that, or I wouldn't be doing it. Unfortunately, in our culture, people are uncomfortable with expressions of emotion, especially grief, and they immediately try to jump to making you feel better. I am not wallowing, and I am not being stuck - but I am honoring my journey, which includes my grief.
So there are days when (like when I dropped off the cats) that I post about how sad I am and how hard this is - and I ignore the folks that try to cheer me up, and embrace the ones that just send hugs and love - because what I need and want right now are hugs and love. I know I am taking the right steps for both me and my cats, that we are all on the path to being where and what we are meant to be - but in this moment, the grief waves are hitting hard and fast, and I sit and cry as I type, I let myself ride the wave as the tears flow, I fully feel how much I miss my cats, and how much I will miss this quirly little apartment in this funky little town. Then I blow my nose, and I go back to work cleaning off my desk and packing up the last of the stuff, hopefully to finish most if not all of my to-do list tonight.
Happy New Year - and next update from the road of all possibilities! :D
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