When one begins a major shift, there are certain things you expect - for instance, you expect the chaos of not being able to find anything as your life goes into boxes for a move.
What you don't expect, are the ways that things, people, ideas often leave your life at the same time. When you firmly agree to the changes, energetic shifts happen around you. The most common for us to try to hang on to are relationships. When we are clearing the way for new, older things that do not serve us anymore leave. I know that I am guilty of trying to hold onto relationships past their "expiration date". In fact, someone once said to me that "...for you to let go of someone, that relationship has to be deader than roadkill by an 18-wheeler" - and this week, I have realized that phrase is true - and I want to change it.
I want to change it because I realize that by trying to hold on to relationships that are not working, is a way of not respecting myself. Yes, I care for someone and I want to be there for them - but if they are not willing to give me the same consideration and respect, I am giving them all the power and not caring for myself.
Some relationships end by attrition, you just sort've fall out of touch - some are not so clear. For example, the guy I was dating last summer, I thought we were in a good place and on our way to becoming just really good friends, based on how it was when I saw him a couple weeks ago - then, inexplicably, he cuts me out of his life without warning. I am infinitely sad and very disappointed, but I realize that a relationship takes two people - and his reasons are his own.
Others leave through moving into different places in life - two of my good friends are either now engaged or on the verge of becoming engaged. I am sad that it seems to mean the end of our friendship, but am blissfully happy that they have found the right relationship for themselves. I find it sad when folks seem to think it is mutually exclusive to have friends or relationships - but again, my job is just to let go, because I can't know what is in someone else's heart.
The greatest misery in life seems to come from insisting that life is other than what it is. Change cannot happen as long as you insist on holding onto something that is no longer meant to be here. And the Universe tends to tell me: "You're on a need to know basis, and you don't need to know."
So all I know is that in this moment, it is really hard to let go. Of the only real home of my own I've ever known, of my "kitty kids", and especially of people I love - especially those that I don't understand why they are leaving. The hardest part is the letting go - and leaping into the unknown.
Student says to Zen Master: "Master, why is it so hard to let go?"
Master replies: "My child, letting go is simple. You merely open your hand. Why are you trying so hard to hold on?"
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
and so it begins...
I received the contract for the tour on Friday, 17 December. Wow - it's really real, and it's really happening.
Here's the schedule through May: Jan 8-13, rehears "Buddy...The Buddy Holly Story" in NYC (I'll be the Production Manager), Jan 14-April 3, run "Buddy" in the El Dorado Casino/Hotel in Reno, NV. April 4-April 14, design and tech the ECS Dance Concert at Hampshire College, April 15-May 2, coordinate all technical/design elements for a new piece of work that is premiering at the Pangea World Festival in Minneapolis, MN. And by the time Pangea is over, hopefully I'll have an offer for summer work or a permanent job. Although the company I'm going to Reno with is already saying we want to talk about future tours and possible lighting design.
I've given my landlord 30 days' notice, I've told the Fine Arts Center that I'll see them in May for the end of the semester, and I have 2 people I am talking to about my cats. I wish I had more options for the girls, but I know the right place will manifest. I've even bought probably 90% of what I need for the tour, including a brand-new, bright red large suitcase. (I had no idea decent luggage was so ridiculously expensive!)
I will be in NYC in rehearsal in exactly 3 weeks from today, yet I still can't get my head around the fact that this is really happening. I'm joyously excited, yet terrified at the same time - I had no idea these two feelings could exist simultaneously.
Talk about taking a leap - I am becoming intentionally homeless, virtually moving in with my best friend (thanks, Bren!) to keep a MA home base, and putting 95% of my stuff into storage. But can I tell you how grateful I am for the purge I did over the summer so that I don't have that to deal with! I guess it is true - if you want to make major change in your life, clean your house and get rid of stuff! :)
Of course, the hardest part of all of this is my cats - I never dreamed I would ever, in a million years, be in a place of finding a home for my "kids". But I know that this opportunity is the best thing for me. I have been craving being back on the road, and I know this will open doors for me. And I also know that it is no life for my cats, to essentially be alone for weeks at a time. They are loving, social creatures, and need to be in a place where they will have someone to look after them in all the ways I just can't right now. Does it break my heart? Absolutely - I am devastated and every time I think of not waking up with them cuddling me, I burst into tears - I don't think I've cried this much since Sam & Dash died 3 years ago.
One of the things that has helped is something my Coach pointed out to me (thanks, Aaron!) - that I pledged to care for them for the rest of their lives. By admitting that I cannot care for them in the ways they need and deserve and finding someone who can, I am honoring my promise to them. It still hurts like crazy, but I do feel more peace around the decision.
So the next 3 weeks are going to be a blur of furious activity - finishing going through papers so I don't pay to move stuff that will be thrown out, packing what goes with me, what goes into deep storage, and what needs to be easily accessible in case it needs to be sent to me. And finding time to spend time with friends who want to see me before I go.
Wow - this is really happening....
Here's the schedule through May: Jan 8-13, rehears "Buddy...The Buddy Holly Story" in NYC (I'll be the Production Manager), Jan 14-April 3, run "Buddy" in the El Dorado Casino/Hotel in Reno, NV. April 4-April 14, design and tech the ECS Dance Concert at Hampshire College, April 15-May 2, coordinate all technical/design elements for a new piece of work that is premiering at the Pangea World Festival in Minneapolis, MN. And by the time Pangea is over, hopefully I'll have an offer for summer work or a permanent job. Although the company I'm going to Reno with is already saying we want to talk about future tours and possible lighting design.
I've given my landlord 30 days' notice, I've told the Fine Arts Center that I'll see them in May for the end of the semester, and I have 2 people I am talking to about my cats. I wish I had more options for the girls, but I know the right place will manifest. I've even bought probably 90% of what I need for the tour, including a brand-new, bright red large suitcase. (I had no idea decent luggage was so ridiculously expensive!)
I will be in NYC in rehearsal in exactly 3 weeks from today, yet I still can't get my head around the fact that this is really happening. I'm joyously excited, yet terrified at the same time - I had no idea these two feelings could exist simultaneously.
Talk about taking a leap - I am becoming intentionally homeless, virtually moving in with my best friend (thanks, Bren!) to keep a MA home base, and putting 95% of my stuff into storage. But can I tell you how grateful I am for the purge I did over the summer so that I don't have that to deal with! I guess it is true - if you want to make major change in your life, clean your house and get rid of stuff! :)
Of course, the hardest part of all of this is my cats - I never dreamed I would ever, in a million years, be in a place of finding a home for my "kids". But I know that this opportunity is the best thing for me. I have been craving being back on the road, and I know this will open doors for me. And I also know that it is no life for my cats, to essentially be alone for weeks at a time. They are loving, social creatures, and need to be in a place where they will have someone to look after them in all the ways I just can't right now. Does it break my heart? Absolutely - I am devastated and every time I think of not waking up with them cuddling me, I burst into tears - I don't think I've cried this much since Sam & Dash died 3 years ago.
One of the things that has helped is something my Coach pointed out to me (thanks, Aaron!) - that I pledged to care for them for the rest of their lives. By admitting that I cannot care for them in the ways they need and deserve and finding someone who can, I am honoring my promise to them. It still hurts like crazy, but I do feel more peace around the decision.
So the next 3 weeks are going to be a blur of furious activity - finishing going through papers so I don't pay to move stuff that will be thrown out, packing what goes with me, what goes into deep storage, and what needs to be easily accessible in case it needs to be sent to me. And finding time to spend time with friends who want to see me before I go.
Wow - this is really happening....
Monday, December 13, 2010
Limbo Loose Ends
So here's the update: I accepted the job with Jersey City Productions (no, no relation to the tv show!). I am awaiting the contract, so that it is signed and a done deal - I know it is going to happen, but I don't want to give my landlord notice until I actually have the set-in-stone signed contract in hand.
I am finishing up the cleaning/organizing/purging that still needs to be done, so I can hopefully avoid packing/transporting anything that doesn't need to go with me.
The hardest part is now finding a home for my two beautiful girls. They are loving, cuddly, and very sweet. Chloe is 3, Jenny is 2, and they are in perfect health. Chloe can be a little skittish at times - I became her 4th home in her first year of life.
By the end of this week, I will be well on my way...
I am finishing up the cleaning/organizing/purging that still needs to be done, so I can hopefully avoid packing/transporting anything that doesn't need to go with me.
The hardest part is now finding a home for my two beautiful girls. They are loving, cuddly, and very sweet. Chloe is 3, Jenny is 2, and they are in perfect health. Chloe can be a little skittish at times - I became her 4th home in her first year of life.
By the end of this week, I will be well on my way...
Friday, December 10, 2010
Faith pays off...
They say that every 7 years, every cell in your body has been replaced - which essentially means, I suppose, that you are a whole new person every 7 years. So I find that rather appropriate, as I am now committed to the next step of my journey.
Those of you who have been following this blog from the beginning know what a year of transition this has been - and mostly one of exploring being in limbo. I have found that when you really allow yourself to be where you are, you really get to know yourself, and learn what you want.
I was willing to take the Electrics job at CalArts because it was a) stable, b) would give me some great experience. In other words, to be a stepping-stone rather than what I really wanted. I was willing to take it because I thought it would help me get to where I want to be, but knew I wouldn't want to be there long-term.
Then I had a tour dropped in my lap a couple days ago. It made me face the fact that the CalArts job isn't what I really want, but is merely a stepping stone. So when they told me they decided to go with someone else, it was actually a bit of a relief. Because I knew in my core that I really wanted the tour, as it is doing what I really love to do - being a Production Stage Manager. And it will have opportunities to travel, do different things, and I may even get to be a lighting designer for them. Woo hoo!!! :D
Following on the decision to take the tour, I have made the very difficult decision to give up my apartment. I know I will be on the road at least 5 months (from Jan 8 - early May), with a strong likelihood of even longer - I'm pretty confident I'll get a seasonal summer job somewhere, if not another tour.
That brings a whole host of other questions and decisions - where to store my stuff, where will I land ultimately, and most importantly, what will happen to my 2 beautiful cats? This last question is the one I am most concerned about. I need to find a safe, loving place for them - possibly as fosters, probably as a permanent home. It breaks my heart to do it, but I really think it will be best for them - they deserve stability in their lives. And yeah, I think this issue is most likely the one that has me up all night tonight - they can tell I am upset, as they've been laying on me in bed more than they usually do (usually they lay next to me, not ON me).
So 2011 is off to a bang-up start, and it isn't even here yet! This is the first time I have had work coming in in January, and it feels like the beginning of some amazing journeys.
Here's to the next leap! :)
Those of you who have been following this blog from the beginning know what a year of transition this has been - and mostly one of exploring being in limbo. I have found that when you really allow yourself to be where you are, you really get to know yourself, and learn what you want.
I was willing to take the Electrics job at CalArts because it was a) stable, b) would give me some great experience. In other words, to be a stepping-stone rather than what I really wanted. I was willing to take it because I thought it would help me get to where I want to be, but knew I wouldn't want to be there long-term.
Then I had a tour dropped in my lap a couple days ago. It made me face the fact that the CalArts job isn't what I really want, but is merely a stepping stone. So when they told me they decided to go with someone else, it was actually a bit of a relief. Because I knew in my core that I really wanted the tour, as it is doing what I really love to do - being a Production Stage Manager. And it will have opportunities to travel, do different things, and I may even get to be a lighting designer for them. Woo hoo!!! :D
Following on the decision to take the tour, I have made the very difficult decision to give up my apartment. I know I will be on the road at least 5 months (from Jan 8 - early May), with a strong likelihood of even longer - I'm pretty confident I'll get a seasonal summer job somewhere, if not another tour.
That brings a whole host of other questions and decisions - where to store my stuff, where will I land ultimately, and most importantly, what will happen to my 2 beautiful cats? This last question is the one I am most concerned about. I need to find a safe, loving place for them - possibly as fosters, probably as a permanent home. It breaks my heart to do it, but I really think it will be best for them - they deserve stability in their lives. And yeah, I think this issue is most likely the one that has me up all night tonight - they can tell I am upset, as they've been laying on me in bed more than they usually do (usually they lay next to me, not ON me).
So 2011 is off to a bang-up start, and it isn't even here yet! This is the first time I have had work coming in in January, and it feels like the beginning of some amazing journeys.
Here's to the next leap! :)
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Standing in the place of Faith
The Limbo continues. I finally heard from CalArts just over a week ago, apologizing for not being in touch, and saying they are still finishing up the interview process. He said that with luck, I will hear from them by the end of this next week.
I'm not sure now if the Limbo will continue, or if I'll be in Transition - i.e., moving to Los Angeles. I have decided that I really do want this job, and this opportunity to move forward.
I went to the latest production in the Theater Department at UMass-Amherst, my alma mater. It was great fun, and one of their better mainstage shows that I have seen. One of the ushers asked if I was attending because I knew someone in the cast - "No". "Oh. Do you work for the University?" "Yes, but I am attending because I am an alumna of the Department." "Oh. Okay." After this little exchange, I realized how small my life is here - I mean, I know it has been challenging to date as there really isn't a huge single population here, but that made me realize that it is time for me to "fly the nest." I did what I came here to do - get back on my feet, find a career, and finish my BA. It is time to move into the next phase.
So I put it out there to the Universe - I have decided what I want - if it be for my highest good, I would really like this job at CalArts - because although it isn't my dream job, I think I will find my dream job from there through all the networking I will be able to do. I know the weather will be much healthier for my emotional state, I will learn a lot, and there is a HUGE single population out there, with tons of meetup groups doing things I am interested in doing.
They say that if you focus on the what, the Universe will take care of the how - so I state the what: I want this job at CalArts and to move to Valencia, California - and I trust that the how will be revealed, and I'll be there by New Year's...
I'm not sure now if the Limbo will continue, or if I'll be in Transition - i.e., moving to Los Angeles. I have decided that I really do want this job, and this opportunity to move forward.
I went to the latest production in the Theater Department at UMass-Amherst, my alma mater. It was great fun, and one of their better mainstage shows that I have seen. One of the ushers asked if I was attending because I knew someone in the cast - "No". "Oh. Do you work for the University?" "Yes, but I am attending because I am an alumna of the Department." "Oh. Okay." After this little exchange, I realized how small my life is here - I mean, I know it has been challenging to date as there really isn't a huge single population here, but that made me realize that it is time for me to "fly the nest." I did what I came here to do - get back on my feet, find a career, and finish my BA. It is time to move into the next phase.
So I put it out there to the Universe - I have decided what I want - if it be for my highest good, I would really like this job at CalArts - because although it isn't my dream job, I think I will find my dream job from there through all the networking I will be able to do. I know the weather will be much healthier for my emotional state, I will learn a lot, and there is a HUGE single population out there, with tons of meetup groups doing things I am interested in doing.
They say that if you focus on the what, the Universe will take care of the how - so I state the what: I want this job at CalArts and to move to Valencia, California - and I trust that the how will be revealed, and I'll be there by New Year's...
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Living in Limbo
This is probably one of the hardest conditions to live under. Not knowing if you are coming or going, where the next paycheck is coming from, not sure if you have anything to look forward to anytime soon.
In my case, I don't know if I'm staying or going. It has made me reluctant to make long-term plans with anyone, loathe to date (I mean, why start a relationship if you think you might be leaving within the next few months?), and have for the most part felt like I have "disconnected" from so much around me in preparation for the fact I "might" be leaving.
This disconnection has created a genuine disconnect in my life - and it came crashing in on me on the Thanksgiving holiday. I have pulled back, everyone knows I have pulled back, and it created a very isolated, lonely, difficult holiday - you know, the one where you're standing outside knee-deep in snow, being pelted with freezing rain, starving, not wearing a coat, and looking through the window at everyone else warm, happy, having fun with people who love them. Not that I wasn't fine making my dinner of vegetarian chili and acorn squash, watching a marathon of "Charmed" on DVD and crocheting - but I really would have much rather been with people who love me.
I also lately can't seem to shake the feeling that the reason I'm not moving forward is that I haven't finished my "purge/clean/organize" campaign yet - I still have to finish my home office (the hardest part - I'd rather do the basement again!), and one box of stuff in the bedroom. It's like this one little bit of clutter/disorganization keeps me rooted and stuck.
Then again, it is symbolic of how I feel at the moment. I really want to release where I am and move forward into a full-time job in another part of the country (preferably warm, sunny, no snow and no humidity) - but when I really think about moving, it paralyzes me in some ways. I have lived in New England pretty much my entire adult life (since I was 21), and in the same apartment for over 7 years (the longest I have been anywhere since I moved out of my parents' house). I came to understand who I am here - I reinvented myself here - I became ME here. My best friends (okay, most of them - a couple are in Vegas and L.A.) are here. I am secure in the place where I work and I know it well (even if it isn't as consistent as I would like). The thought of starting over in a new place without really knowing anyone or anything is a lot more terrifying at 40 than it is at 20, believe me.
So I live in limbo - wanting to move forward, yet scared to leave. Trusting that what needs to happen will be revealed, and trying to do the footwork in front of me to allow it to happen - but in some ways, really not sure what I want to hope for.
Living in that place of not knowing created a paralysis - one I am now choosing not to engage in. I am living here while I am here. I am dating, taking work, making plans - with the understanding that if the right job in the right place comes along, I may have to say "I'm sorry, I have to back out on that commitment - my future is calling me now."
I am someone who doesn't like to not fulfill my commitments - so when I make them, I do so openly - saying that there is a possibility I may eventually move. But just for today, this is where I am, and I am happy to be here.
In my case, I don't know if I'm staying or going. It has made me reluctant to make long-term plans with anyone, loathe to date (I mean, why start a relationship if you think you might be leaving within the next few months?), and have for the most part felt like I have "disconnected" from so much around me in preparation for the fact I "might" be leaving.
This disconnection has created a genuine disconnect in my life - and it came crashing in on me on the Thanksgiving holiday. I have pulled back, everyone knows I have pulled back, and it created a very isolated, lonely, difficult holiday - you know, the one where you're standing outside knee-deep in snow, being pelted with freezing rain, starving, not wearing a coat, and looking through the window at everyone else warm, happy, having fun with people who love them. Not that I wasn't fine making my dinner of vegetarian chili and acorn squash, watching a marathon of "Charmed" on DVD and crocheting - but I really would have much rather been with people who love me.
I also lately can't seem to shake the feeling that the reason I'm not moving forward is that I haven't finished my "purge/clean/organize" campaign yet - I still have to finish my home office (the hardest part - I'd rather do the basement again!), and one box of stuff in the bedroom. It's like this one little bit of clutter/disorganization keeps me rooted and stuck.
Then again, it is symbolic of how I feel at the moment. I really want to release where I am and move forward into a full-time job in another part of the country (preferably warm, sunny, no snow and no humidity) - but when I really think about moving, it paralyzes me in some ways. I have lived in New England pretty much my entire adult life (since I was 21), and in the same apartment for over 7 years (the longest I have been anywhere since I moved out of my parents' house). I came to understand who I am here - I reinvented myself here - I became ME here. My best friends (okay, most of them - a couple are in Vegas and L.A.) are here. I am secure in the place where I work and I know it well (even if it isn't as consistent as I would like). The thought of starting over in a new place without really knowing anyone or anything is a lot more terrifying at 40 than it is at 20, believe me.
So I live in limbo - wanting to move forward, yet scared to leave. Trusting that what needs to happen will be revealed, and trying to do the footwork in front of me to allow it to happen - but in some ways, really not sure what I want to hope for.
Living in that place of not knowing created a paralysis - one I am now choosing not to engage in. I am living here while I am here. I am dating, taking work, making plans - with the understanding that if the right job in the right place comes along, I may have to say "I'm sorry, I have to back out on that commitment - my future is calling me now."
I am someone who doesn't like to not fulfill my commitments - so when I make them, I do so openly - saying that there is a possibility I may eventually move. But just for today, this is where I am, and I am happy to be here.
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