I find this so-called holiday amazing, amusing, and fascinating. Amazing because it seem to polarize people so much. Amusing because people do get so bent out of shape about it (I know - I have been one of them). Fascinating because people don't (it seems) to know what it is they are celebrating.
First of all, it is a Catholic Saint - most of the folks I know who observe St. Valentine's feast day (for that is what it is) are a) not Catholic (or are non-practicing), b) don't know what St. Valentine is known for. Even from a Catholic website about saints, it says that he was martyred under Claudius, but I can't find anything noteworthy about him except that he died (as did a lot of other people). He apparently did, as one of his final acts, send a note to a woman, signed "Love, Your Valentine" - but that's about all I can find. http://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=159
Now don't get me wrong - I am all for taking a day and celebrating the love you share with someone. I won't say, however, that this particular holiday has, at times, seemed like a plot to make single, unattached people feel bad. More so than the jewelery commercials at Christmas, the advertising campaigns are "the whole world is in love" - and if you aren't one of them, well, aren't you pathetic.
It seems to be getting worse, too - now that the social media has picked up on it. I admit - last year I was very sad at Valentine's Day - I had just found out that my ex-boyfriend, who I was hoping to reconcile with, had just gotten engaged - so yeah, it wasn't a happy day for me (or the few preceding it, either). I made the mistake of checking my facebook account that day, and all I saw were statuses of "put up a pic of you and your sweetie and say how long you've been blissfully happy together!" - needless to say, that didn't feel so good, and I said so.
Part of why this is an interesting holiday to me is because of what appears to be extreme division over it. It's like you have to either be blissfully in love, or pathetically single - like there is no middle ground. I mean, what about those folks who are in relationships, but they may not be all that happy? I've had a few of them really get in my face trying to convince me they are happy on Valentine's Day (or perhaps they are trying to convince themself?) so that they won't have to join the pathetic hoardes of singletons out there.
There seems to be very little tolerance or compassion on the part of people in relationships for those who struggle with Valentine's Day - a brief foray into facebook yesterday showed an amazing number of comments like "Stop bitching that you hate Valentine's Day! You're obviously so pathetic that it's no wonder no one wants to be your valentine!" In fact, the fiance (who I considered a friend) of one of my best friends has not spoken to me in exactly a year now because I was one of the "love grinches" last year - so much so, that when I go to visit my girlfriend, it tends to be arranged for when the fiance is out of the house. (I have apologized and do regret expressing my grief the way that I did - it is my genuine hope that someday this will be healed)
Then you have the folks who try to make the singletons feel better - the "well, since you don't have a 'special someone', you can make your, um, cat/dog, something else your valentine!" The intention is good, but the impression is that you are still somehow lacking because you don't have that "someone special."
That said, who is to say who a "special someone" is? Personally, I really miss my male cat, Dash - who really was the most loving, committed, unconditional male I have ever had in my life! Who is to say that it isn't the child of a single mom, a woman who courageously is devoting her time and resources to raising a wonderful human being? Who says it must to be someone that you are having an intimate physical relationship with and buy chocolate, flowers and candy for?
I propose this: they say you cannot find real love until you truly love, honor, and appreciate yourself. Therefore, become your own valentine. Learn to treat and honor yourself if the way you would the most beloved of lovers. For then, in my humble opinion, will you truly celebrate St. Valentine's Day.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
looking forward
There is so much power in having something to look forward to. It makes you want to get out of bed in the morning, and often gives you the strength to get through the day. And it is really true, it is all in how you look at things.
This past week has been very interesting. I have been putting our resumes again, looking for my next right step. I got an interview in a place I had never really considered living before - central Indiana, just North of Indianapolis. It sounds like an amazing opportunity, and my only reservation is that it is snow/ice in the winters, and humid in the summers (why does it seem like all the great jobs are in that kind of climate??).
One of the interesting things that has happened is it seems like as soon as I decided to let go of really caring so much about what other people think/do, and look at this situation as an opportunity to sharpen my skills and get to know myself better, it is like a dam bursting - suddenly opportunities are everywhere.
Admittedly, I had planned to spend at least 2 years touring and a part of me is like "Hey! We're travelling, here!" - but a really big part of me is excited about the possibility of finding a real "home", with a full time job doing what I love. So many possibilities right now...
I had another great session with my life coach today, and one of the "homework" pieces he gave me is to find a creative project. It doesn't have to be anything huge, but something to challenge myself with. The idea is that is if I keep challenging myself to grow in small ways, the larger picture and understanding of where I ultimately want to be/doing/becoming will come more into focus.
So today I am looking forward to finding things to look forward to.
This past week has been very interesting. I have been putting our resumes again, looking for my next right step. I got an interview in a place I had never really considered living before - central Indiana, just North of Indianapolis. It sounds like an amazing opportunity, and my only reservation is that it is snow/ice in the winters, and humid in the summers (why does it seem like all the great jobs are in that kind of climate??).
One of the interesting things that has happened is it seems like as soon as I decided to let go of really caring so much about what other people think/do, and look at this situation as an opportunity to sharpen my skills and get to know myself better, it is like a dam bursting - suddenly opportunities are everywhere.
Admittedly, I had planned to spend at least 2 years touring and a part of me is like "Hey! We're travelling, here!" - but a really big part of me is excited about the possibility of finding a real "home", with a full time job doing what I love. So many possibilities right now...
I had another great session with my life coach today, and one of the "homework" pieces he gave me is to find a creative project. It doesn't have to be anything huge, but something to challenge myself with. The idea is that is if I keep challenging myself to grow in small ways, the larger picture and understanding of where I ultimately want to be/doing/becoming will come more into focus.
So today I am looking forward to finding things to look forward to.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
the power of affirmation - part deux
I have received some wonderful, supportive responses to my last post - thank you. :)
It has made me realize just how powerful it is to be affirmed - and to feel appreciated. One of the responses came from someone that I both see as a friend and look up to as a mentor - and it floored me when she said she was glad to see someone articulating things that she has been feeling. And I realized that I had never really said how much I respect her and her work - so I told her so.
And in the telling, realized the power of acknowledging and appreciating others. Those who know me, know I do not give false praise - that if I am saying I appreciate something about you, it is because it is true. By the same token, if you ask for a critique of something to make it better, I will likewise be as lovingly honest as I can.
Like gratitude, expressing appreciation makes you appreciate yourself as well - and makes it more difficult to stay in that dark place - after all, who has seen a depressed, sad, grateful person??
It has made me realize just how powerful it is to be affirmed - and to feel appreciated. One of the responses came from someone that I both see as a friend and look up to as a mentor - and it floored me when she said she was glad to see someone articulating things that she has been feeling. And I realized that I had never really said how much I respect her and her work - so I told her so.
And in the telling, realized the power of acknowledging and appreciating others. Those who know me, know I do not give false praise - that if I am saying I appreciate something about you, it is because it is true. By the same token, if you ask for a critique of something to make it better, I will likewise be as lovingly honest as I can.
Like gratitude, expressing appreciation makes you appreciate yourself as well - and makes it more difficult to stay in that dark place - after all, who has seen a depressed, sad, grateful person??
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
the power of affirmation
I've realized the past couple weeks how powerful it is to be acknowledged and affirmed.
There have been some really challenging moments getting this show off the ground and running. Some have been clashes between my style of working and other people's, some have involved learning to not let myself get drawn into others' issues (really hard when they're yelling at you at the top of their lungs in front of a roomful of people), and doing work that few others see.
I have joked for years that "if I do my job right, no one knows I exist" - which is really actually true - and I realize that sometimes it is really hard when no one knows (or notices) how hard I work and what a good job I do sometimes.
I remember just before the show opened - the director was meeting with the cast, and asked them to give a big round of applause to all the hard-working crew - the TD who built the set, the set designer, the painter, the lighting designer, the costume folk, the deckhands - then he happened to turn and see me and added as an afterthought - "oh, um, and Kat". At that point, I'd been working my butt off for 14 hours a day for the past week to help get everything together. I didn't think much of it at the time.
But I have been thinking about it over the past few days. There has been a feeling of disconnect between myself and the cast - it seems that the only time they notice I exist is when they want something. For the most part it isn't a big deal, as I know I have very different approach to life - for instance, I like to get up early and take walks and exercise in the mornings (early meaning 9am) - they like to go out to the bar until 3 am after the show (I am not, never have been, and likely never will be a regular bar person). I like finding little places to walk to and meditate, and sit and read in my new favorite coffee place - and it's all good.
I also realized that I never stated some clear boundaries the other day, when I got yelled at by one of the performers because he wanted to be let into the instrument storage at 3:45pm in the afternoon (since the show wasn't until 8pm I wasn't planning to be in the space until after 5:30pm), and I was taking a nap at my apartment. So I sent out an email to the group, saying that, like them, until just before showtime, I am rarely in the space, and unless something is urgent, I likely won't address it until I am in my office. That they can feel free to text or call if it is urgent, but to please keep in mind that I have a life here too.
I met with my life coach this past Saturday, and he commented the he heard only "disdain, derision, and condescention" in my email to the cast. I was a tad crestfallen, as I felt I had taken a huge step in setting some boundaries. Looking at it now I think both statements may be correct.
The point here is that no, it isn't perfect - and I am choosing to see my time here as a great cauldron of learning time. They are bringing me the lessons I really need to learn right now - personally and professionally. Professionally - reminders about how to do this kind of stage management work. Personally - about perspective, compassion, and how to talk to others. And, in many ways, how to validate myself.
I realized Saturday evening after the 2nd show that I work to use a lot of "please/thank you" when I talk to my crew, at the end of every show I thank them for a job well done, and I say something when I see them do something exceptionally well. I don't know how they feel about me, but I mean it when I tell them that they are an excellent crew, and that I am glad I have them.
This past week I have been feeling the fact that I am thousands of miles from my home, I miss my friends, I miss my cats, and I miss having someone to talk to. I eat most meals alone with my book, and I spend a lot of time by myself outside of work. I have been both homesick and very, very lonely - and not just a little feeling sorry for myself. It hit me that I feel very taken for granted with this company, and that no one seems to appreciate how hard I am working.
I decided to go to church on Sunday morning, even though I didn't want to. I am so glad I did. I'm not sure what changed, but halfway through the service, I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - I do a damned good job, and I know it. I appreciate others when they do a good job, and I let them know that I appreciate them. My natural state is one of joy, and life is to darn short to be miserable - so it really doesn't matter if they like me, talk to me, or respect me - because I do give these things to myself. In fact, I am HAPPY to see them all, because it means they are bringing the lessons I most need to learn right now - and it really doesn't matter how they see me.
I am going to do just fine - because I already am.
There have been some really challenging moments getting this show off the ground and running. Some have been clashes between my style of working and other people's, some have involved learning to not let myself get drawn into others' issues (really hard when they're yelling at you at the top of their lungs in front of a roomful of people), and doing work that few others see.
I have joked for years that "if I do my job right, no one knows I exist" - which is really actually true - and I realize that sometimes it is really hard when no one knows (or notices) how hard I work and what a good job I do sometimes.
I remember just before the show opened - the director was meeting with the cast, and asked them to give a big round of applause to all the hard-working crew - the TD who built the set, the set designer, the painter, the lighting designer, the costume folk, the deckhands - then he happened to turn and see me and added as an afterthought - "oh, um, and Kat". At that point, I'd been working my butt off for 14 hours a day for the past week to help get everything together. I didn't think much of it at the time.
But I have been thinking about it over the past few days. There has been a feeling of disconnect between myself and the cast - it seems that the only time they notice I exist is when they want something. For the most part it isn't a big deal, as I know I have very different approach to life - for instance, I like to get up early and take walks and exercise in the mornings (early meaning 9am) - they like to go out to the bar until 3 am after the show (I am not, never have been, and likely never will be a regular bar person). I like finding little places to walk to and meditate, and sit and read in my new favorite coffee place - and it's all good.
I also realized that I never stated some clear boundaries the other day, when I got yelled at by one of the performers because he wanted to be let into the instrument storage at 3:45pm in the afternoon (since the show wasn't until 8pm I wasn't planning to be in the space until after 5:30pm), and I was taking a nap at my apartment. So I sent out an email to the group, saying that, like them, until just before showtime, I am rarely in the space, and unless something is urgent, I likely won't address it until I am in my office. That they can feel free to text or call if it is urgent, but to please keep in mind that I have a life here too.
I met with my life coach this past Saturday, and he commented the he heard only "disdain, derision, and condescention" in my email to the cast. I was a tad crestfallen, as I felt I had taken a huge step in setting some boundaries. Looking at it now I think both statements may be correct.
The point here is that no, it isn't perfect - and I am choosing to see my time here as a great cauldron of learning time. They are bringing me the lessons I really need to learn right now - personally and professionally. Professionally - reminders about how to do this kind of stage management work. Personally - about perspective, compassion, and how to talk to others. And, in many ways, how to validate myself.
I realized Saturday evening after the 2nd show that I work to use a lot of "please/thank you" when I talk to my crew, at the end of every show I thank them for a job well done, and I say something when I see them do something exceptionally well. I don't know how they feel about me, but I mean it when I tell them that they are an excellent crew, and that I am glad I have them.
This past week I have been feeling the fact that I am thousands of miles from my home, I miss my friends, I miss my cats, and I miss having someone to talk to. I eat most meals alone with my book, and I spend a lot of time by myself outside of work. I have been both homesick and very, very lonely - and not just a little feeling sorry for myself. It hit me that I feel very taken for granted with this company, and that no one seems to appreciate how hard I am working.
I decided to go to church on Sunday morning, even though I didn't want to. I am so glad I did. I'm not sure what changed, but halfway through the service, I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - I do a damned good job, and I know it. I appreciate others when they do a good job, and I let them know that I appreciate them. My natural state is one of joy, and life is to darn short to be miserable - so it really doesn't matter if they like me, talk to me, or respect me - because I do give these things to myself. In fact, I am HAPPY to see them all, because it means they are bringing the lessons I most need to learn right now - and it really doesn't matter how they see me.
I am going to do just fine - because I already am.
Friday, February 4, 2011
breathe, exhale, repeat...
They say everything happens for a reason, and I am fairly inclined to believe it. It has been about a month now since I began this new phase of my life, and it has already brought with it some amazing lessons.
It was really hard dropping my cats off at their new home. I know they are in a great place, and have been getting updates that they are doing well, but my heart is so empty without their loving presence and beautiful, sweet faces. It was crushing to give up the only real home I have ever known, and to say goodbye to my life and my friends in Northampton.
That said, it was fun spending a few days with my good friend, Bobby, in Jersey City, and having the chance to get to know him better. The first few days of working on the show were a real "honeymoon", and settled into the "real" work once we got to Reno.
There are times I feel like I really did lose a piece of myself when I was married. It seems like it used to be so easy for me to be in social situations and be part of what is going on around me. Now it seems like it requires more effort, and is often difficult - or rather seems to be.
I have gotten into a routine here - water aerobics at 9am, maybe yoga at 11am, lunch, shower, a nice walk, and an hour or so with my book at my new favorite coffee place. Then dinner, work the show, and bed. Maybe errands or exploring a new place on my one day off. I have made some lovely acquaintences that I say hello to at the hotel, and some of the women in my aerobics class are really lovely and I enjoy chatting with them in the hot tub after class.
I won't say that I wasn't hoping for at least a little camraderie with the group I work with, but I have discovered that I am just at a different place in my life. They enjoy going out drinking after the show - I have never been much of a bar person, so although I'll occasionally join them, it really isn't my thing. Some are more friendly and conversational than others, but for the most part I find myself on my own. Fortunately, I find that I enjoy my own company and rarely feel lonely. Homesick on occasion, but rarely lonely.
Speaking of homesick - I have had a few instances of forgetting where I am. Like when I went to the mall the other day - it is much like any other mall - I was thinking what I would do after, the errands I would run. Then I walked out of the store and realized that I was nowhere near my car, and my "home" doesn't exist anymore. It is so weird when that happens. Just like when I finish the show for the night - I am so used to closing up a quiet theater, that the first few times when I walked out into the casino, it was like being assaulted - all the noise, lights and people.
I am grateful for this opportunity. It has been a long time since I did this kind of Stage Management, and it is good to be extending my experience. Each day brings a new reminder or lesson, and I am grateful.
And I am REALLY grateful that I escaped New England before the major winter hit....
It was really hard dropping my cats off at their new home. I know they are in a great place, and have been getting updates that they are doing well, but my heart is so empty without their loving presence and beautiful, sweet faces. It was crushing to give up the only real home I have ever known, and to say goodbye to my life and my friends in Northampton.
That said, it was fun spending a few days with my good friend, Bobby, in Jersey City, and having the chance to get to know him better. The first few days of working on the show were a real "honeymoon", and settled into the "real" work once we got to Reno.
There are times I feel like I really did lose a piece of myself when I was married. It seems like it used to be so easy for me to be in social situations and be part of what is going on around me. Now it seems like it requires more effort, and is often difficult - or rather seems to be.
I have gotten into a routine here - water aerobics at 9am, maybe yoga at 11am, lunch, shower, a nice walk, and an hour or so with my book at my new favorite coffee place. Then dinner, work the show, and bed. Maybe errands or exploring a new place on my one day off. I have made some lovely acquaintences that I say hello to at the hotel, and some of the women in my aerobics class are really lovely and I enjoy chatting with them in the hot tub after class.
I won't say that I wasn't hoping for at least a little camraderie with the group I work with, but I have discovered that I am just at a different place in my life. They enjoy going out drinking after the show - I have never been much of a bar person, so although I'll occasionally join them, it really isn't my thing. Some are more friendly and conversational than others, but for the most part I find myself on my own. Fortunately, I find that I enjoy my own company and rarely feel lonely. Homesick on occasion, but rarely lonely.
Speaking of homesick - I have had a few instances of forgetting where I am. Like when I went to the mall the other day - it is much like any other mall - I was thinking what I would do after, the errands I would run. Then I walked out of the store and realized that I was nowhere near my car, and my "home" doesn't exist anymore. It is so weird when that happens. Just like when I finish the show for the night - I am so used to closing up a quiet theater, that the first few times when I walked out into the casino, it was like being assaulted - all the noise, lights and people.
I am grateful for this opportunity. It has been a long time since I did this kind of Stage Management, and it is good to be extending my experience. Each day brings a new reminder or lesson, and I am grateful.
And I am REALLY grateful that I escaped New England before the major winter hit....
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