preparing to leap

When one begins a major shift, there are certain things you expect - for instance, you expect the chaos of not being able to find anything as your life goes into boxes for a move.

What you don't expect, are the ways that things, people, ideas often leave your life at the same time. When you firmly agree to the changes, energetic shifts happen around you. The most common for us to try to hang on to are relationships. When we are clearing the way for new, older things that do not serve us anymore leave. I know that I am guilty of trying to hold onto relationships past their "expiration date". In fact, someone once said to me that "...for you to let go of someone, that relationship has to be deader than roadkill by an 18-wheeler" - and this week, I have realized that phrase is true - and I want to change it.

I want to change it because I realize that by trying to hold on to relationships that are not working, is a way of not respecting myself. Yes, I care for someone and I want to be there for them - but if they are not willing to give me the same consideration and respect, I am giving them all the power and not caring for myself.

Some relationships end by attrition, you just sort've fall out of touch - some are not so clear. For example, the guy I was dating last summer, I thought we were in a good place and on our way to becoming just really good friends, based on how it was when I saw him a couple weeks ago - then, inexplicably, he cuts me out of his life without warning. I am infinitely sad and very disappointed, but I realize that a relationship takes two people - and his reasons are his own.

Others leave through moving into different places in life - two of my good friends are either now engaged or on the verge of becoming engaged. I am sad that it seems to mean the end of our friendship, but am blissfully happy that they have found the right relationship for themselves. I find it sad when folks seem to think it is mutually exclusive to have friends or relationships - but again, my job is just to let go, because I can't know what is in someone else's heart.

The greatest misery in life seems to come from insisting that life is other than what it is. Change cannot happen as long as you insist on holding onto something that is no longer meant to be here. And the Universe tends to tell me: "You're on a need to know basis, and you don't need to know."

So all I know is that in this moment, it is really hard to let go. Of the only real home of my own I've ever known, of my "kitty kids", and especially of people I love - especially those that I don't understand why they are leaving. The hardest part is the letting go - and leaping into the unknown.

Student says to Zen Master: "Master, why is it so hard to let go?"
Master replies: "My child, letting go is simple. You merely open your hand. Why are you trying so hard to hold on?"

and so it begins...

I received the contract for the tour on Friday, 17 December. Wow - it's really real, and it's really happening.

Here's the schedule through May: Jan 8-13, rehears "Buddy...The Buddy Holly Story" in NYC (I'll be the Production Manager), Jan 14-April 3, run "Buddy" in the El Dorado Casino/Hotel in Reno, NV. April 4-April 14, design and tech the ECS Dance Concert at Hampshire College, April 15-May 2, coordinate all technical/design elements for a new piece of work that is premiering at the Pangea World Festival in Minneapolis, MN. And by the time Pangea is over, hopefully I'll have an offer for summer work or a permanent job. Although the company I'm going to Reno with is already saying we want to talk about future tours and possible lighting design.

I've given my landlord 30 days' notice, I've told the Fine Arts Center that I'll see them in May for the end of the semester, and I have 2 people I am talking to about my cats. I wish I had more options for the girls, but I know the right place will manifest. I've even bought probably 90% of what I need for the tour, including a brand-new, bright red large suitcase. (I had no idea decent luggage was so ridiculously expensive!)

I will be in NYC in rehearsal in exactly 3 weeks from today, yet I still can't get my head around the fact that this is really happening. I'm joyously excited, yet terrified at the same time - I had no idea these two feelings could exist simultaneously.

Talk about taking a leap - I am becoming intentionally homeless, virtually moving in with my best friend (thanks, Bren!) to keep a MA home base, and putting 95% of my stuff into storage. But can I tell you how grateful I am for the purge I did over the summer so that I don't have that to deal with! I guess it is true - if you want to make major change in your life, clean your house and get rid of stuff! :)

Of course, the hardest part of all of this is my cats - I never dreamed I would ever, in a million years, be in a place of finding a home for my "kids". But I know that this opportunity is the best thing for me. I have been craving being back on the road, and I know this will open doors for me. And I also know that it is no life for my cats, to essentially be alone for weeks at a time. They are loving, social creatures, and need to be in a place where they will have someone to look after them in all the ways I just can't right now. Does it break my heart? Absolutely - I am devastated and every time I think of not waking up with them cuddling me, I burst into tears - I don't think I've cried this much since Sam & Dash died 3 years ago.

One of the things that has helped is something my Coach pointed out to me (thanks, Aaron!) - that I pledged to care for them for the rest of their lives. By admitting that I cannot care for them in the ways they need and deserve and finding someone who can, I am honoring my promise to them. It still hurts like crazy, but I do feel more peace around the decision.

So the next 3 weeks are going to be a blur of furious activity - finishing going through papers so I don't pay to move stuff that will be thrown out, packing what goes with me, what goes into deep storage, and what needs to be easily accessible in case it needs to be sent to me. And finding time to spend time with friends who want to see me before I go.

Wow - this is really happening....

Limbo Loose Ends

So here's the update: I accepted the job with Jersey City Productions (no, no relation to the tv show!). I am awaiting the contract, so that it is signed and a done deal - I know it is going to happen, but I don't want to give my landlord notice until I actually have the set-in-stone signed contract in hand.

I am finishing up the cleaning/organizing/purging that still needs to be done, so I can hopefully avoid packing/transporting anything that doesn't need to go with me.

The hardest part is now finding a home for my two beautiful girls. They are loving, cuddly, and very sweet. Chloe is 3, Jenny is 2, and they are in perfect health. Chloe can be a little skittish at times - I became her 4th home in her first year of life.

By the end of this week, I will be well on my way...

Faith pays off...

They say that every 7 years, every cell in your body has been replaced - which essentially means, I suppose, that you are a whole new person every 7 years. So I find that rather appropriate, as I am now committed to the next step of my journey.

Those of you who have been following this blog from the beginning know what a year of transition this has been - and mostly one of exploring being in limbo. I have found that when you really allow yourself to be where you are, you really get to know yourself, and learn what you want.

I was willing to take the Electrics job at CalArts because it was a) stable, b) would give me some great experience. In other words, to be a stepping-stone rather than what I really wanted. I was willing to take it because I thought it would help me get to where I want to be, but knew I wouldn't want to be there long-term.

Then I had a tour dropped in my lap a couple days ago. It made me face the fact that the CalArts job isn't what I really want, but is merely a stepping stone. So when they told me they decided to go with someone else, it was actually a bit of a relief. Because I knew in my core that I really wanted the tour, as it is doing what I really love to do - being a Production Stage Manager. And it will have opportunities to travel, do different things, and I may even get to be a lighting designer for them. Woo hoo!!! :D

Following on the decision to take the tour, I have made the very difficult decision to give up my apartment. I know I will be on the road at least 5 months (from Jan 8 - early May), with a strong likelihood of even longer - I'm pretty confident I'll get a seasonal summer job somewhere, if not another tour.

That brings a whole host of other questions and decisions - where to store my stuff, where will I land ultimately, and most importantly, what will happen to my 2 beautiful cats? This last question is the one I am most concerned about. I need to find a safe, loving place for them - possibly as fosters, probably as a permanent home. It breaks my heart to do it, but I really think it will be best for them - they deserve stability in their lives. And yeah, I think this issue is most likely the one that has me up all night tonight - they can tell I am upset, as they've been laying on me in bed more than they usually do (usually they lay next to me, not ON me).

So 2011 is off to a bang-up start, and it isn't even here yet! This is the first time I have had work coming in in January, and it feels like the beginning of some amazing journeys.

Here's to the next leap! :)

Standing in the place of Faith

The Limbo continues. I finally heard from CalArts just over a week ago, apologizing for not being in touch, and saying they are still finishing up the interview process. He said that with luck, I will hear from them by the end of this next week.

I'm not sure now if the Limbo will continue, or if I'll be in Transition - i.e., moving to Los Angeles. I have decided that I really do want this job, and this opportunity to move forward.

I went to the latest production in the Theater Department at UMass-Amherst, my alma mater. It was great fun, and one of their better mainstage shows that I have seen. One of the ushers asked if I was attending because I knew someone in the cast - "No". "Oh. Do you work for the University?" "Yes, but I am attending because I am an alumna of the Department." "Oh. Okay." After this little exchange, I realized how small my life is here - I mean, I know it has been challenging to date as there really isn't a huge single population here, but that made me realize that it is time for me to "fly the nest." I did what I came here to do - get back on my feet, find a career, and finish my BA. It is time to move into the next phase.

So I put it out there to the Universe - I have decided what I want - if it be for my highest good, I would really like this job at CalArts - because although it isn't my dream job, I think I will find my dream job from there through all the networking I will be able to do. I know the weather will be much healthier for my emotional state, I will learn a lot, and there is a HUGE single population out there, with tons of meetup groups doing things I am interested in doing.

They say that if you focus on the what, the Universe will take care of the how - so I state the what: I want this job at CalArts and to move to Valencia, California - and I trust that the how will be revealed, and I'll be there by New Year's...

Living in Limbo

This is probably one of the hardest conditions to live under. Not knowing if you are coming or going, where the next paycheck is coming from, not sure if you have anything to look forward to anytime soon.

In my case, I don't know if I'm staying or going. It has made me reluctant to make long-term plans with anyone, loathe to date (I mean, why start a relationship if you think you might be leaving within the next few months?), and have for the most part felt like I have "disconnected" from so much around me in preparation for the fact I "might" be leaving.

This disconnection has created a genuine disconnect in my life - and it came crashing in on me on the Thanksgiving holiday. I have pulled back, everyone knows I have pulled back, and it created a very isolated, lonely, difficult holiday - you know, the one where you're standing outside knee-deep in snow, being pelted with freezing rain, starving, not wearing a coat, and looking through the window at everyone else warm, happy, having fun with people who love them. Not that I wasn't fine making my dinner of vegetarian chili and acorn squash, watching a marathon of "Charmed" on DVD and crocheting - but I really would have much rather been with people who love me.

I also lately can't seem to shake the feeling that the reason I'm not moving forward is that I haven't finished my "purge/clean/organize" campaign yet - I still have to finish my home office (the hardest part - I'd rather do the basement again!), and one box of stuff in the bedroom. It's like this one little bit of clutter/disorganization keeps me rooted and stuck.

Then again, it is symbolic of how I feel at the moment. I really want to release where I am and move forward into a full-time job in another part of the country (preferably warm, sunny, no snow and no humidity) - but when I really think about moving, it paralyzes me in some ways. I have lived in New England pretty much my entire adult life (since I was 21), and in the same apartment for over 7 years (the longest I have been anywhere since I moved out of my parents' house). I came to understand who I am here - I reinvented myself here - I became ME here. My best friends (okay, most of them - a couple are in Vegas and L.A.) are here. I am secure in the place where I work and I know it well (even if it isn't as consistent as I would like). The thought of starting over in a new place without really knowing anyone or anything is a lot more terrifying at 40 than it is at 20, believe me.

So I live in limbo - wanting to move forward, yet scared to leave. Trusting that what needs to happen will be revealed, and trying to do the footwork in front of me to allow it to happen - but in some ways, really not sure what I want to hope for.

Living in that place of not knowing created a paralysis - one I am now choosing not to engage in. I am living here while I am here. I am dating, taking work, making plans - with the understanding that if the right job in the right place comes along, I may have to say "I'm sorry, I have to back out on that commitment - my future is calling me now."

I am someone who doesn't like to not fulfill my commitments - so when I make them, I do so openly - saying that there is a possibility I may eventually move. But just for today, this is where I am, and I am happy to be here.

Failure is NOT an option

It really is amazing what can happen when you approach something with this particular attitude. I forget the exact quote, but I believe it was Napoleon who said something along the lines of: "I focus on the goal - the obstacles merely move aside." In other words, you focus on what you need to do, and somehow you find a way to do that.

I discovered this past week, that this is remarkably true. I had been hired to be the Lighting Designer for a dance concert. I knew there would be video used in the concert, so I would have to adjust for the projection. I knew there would be some level of technical coordinator work involved, as I would be in charge of the hang/focus of the lights - what I didn't expect, was to walk into the space and have everyone look at me and say "here are the keys, you tell us what to do" - for everything. There was no-one there who belonged to the space who knew how to get what I needed, so nearly 1/3 of what I needed showed up (after much begging), about an hour before we were supposed to start cueing (ie, setting the lighting) for the dance pieces. Needless to say, I ran a day over with tech, just getting it ready for cueing.

The deadline was fast approaching to cue the pieces - I still had 6-7 hours worth of work to do, and I was by myself (oh, did I mention that I had no experienced crew to do the hang/focus, and only 12 hours to put it all together when it would normally take about 30 hours?). I was on the verge of a breakdown - it was physically impossible for me to finish everything that needed to be done.

Note: the space I am working in is ridiculously badly laid out. A good third of the circuits needed overhead are nowhere near the area where they are actually needed, the dimmer box is a rats nest of cables that are hand-plugged, and the overhead grid are all illegal extention cords that are not rated for the kind of heat that the lights generate - it's rather scary, actually. And the scaffolding doesn't have a gate on it, so getting in and out is a scary adventure.

Fortunately, by the grace of God, I found out one of my stagehand friends got back a couple weeks early from England. When he heard what I was going through, he changed his plans for the day, and in 6 hours accomplished more than the inexperienced crew did in 12 (and fixed some of the things they did improperly and unsafely as well).

We started cueing 15 minutes late, finished late because it was the first time the dancers had been in the space (they didn't allow time for the dancers themselves to get used to being in a new place), but we got it done.

There were some sound issues that made us open the house a little late (fortunately, I am not in charge of sound *grin*), but we opened. Failure was not an option, and we found a way to make it happen.

When you refuse to make excuses, focus on your goal, you really do find a way to make it happen.

When failure is not an option, you learn how to make miracles happen. :)

Feel the fear...

One of my favorite quotes is: "Feel the fear and do it anyway." In fact, Susan Jeffers wrote a book by that name (perhaps that's where I got the quote?).

As you know, I have been in the process of working toward landing a job in my field for about a year now. It has been an exciting year - running away and joining the circus, taking the Calamari Sisters on a mini-tour, and two trips to California for 3 job interviews. I have had at least 15 or more phone interviews, and several in-person interviews from Holyoke, MA to San Francisco and Los Angeles. I have probably sent out over 200 resumes in the last year.

I have had a few friends remark how impressed they are at the initiative they see me take - sending out the resumes, going on the interviews, constantly trying to refine what I am doing to make myself more effective and attractive to potential employers. In the meantime, doing what I need to do to be ready to move forward and keep the bills paid in the meantime.

During the course of the past year, I have learned a few things - one, fear freezes people. When you let yourself get too caught up in your head, wondering about what will/won't/might happen, you don't take action. When you are afraid it might be a repeat of a past experience, you don't take action (very common with romantic relationships, I have found). However, I have also found (thanks to T. Harv Eker for the quote), that FEAR DOESN'T EXIST IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. When you are present where you are, you take action, and you cannot indulge the fear - because you are present.

I've also discovered that it is only when you REALLY want something, that you finally take the action to get it. We all say "I want to lose weight," "own my own business," "write a book," "have better relationships," etc. - but nothing changes because we don't take action - and most of the time we don't take action because we are afraid.

The secret isn't so difficult - feel the fear and do it anyway. Am I afraid I won't be able to pay my bills this month? Yes. Am I afraid I spent a ton of money I really don't have to go to California for these interviews and I won't get the job? Yes. Am I afraid I might actually get the job? Hell yes! What am I doing? Feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

Remember - NOTHING WILL CHANGE AS LONG AS YOU ARE FEELING COMFORTABLE. Change happens on the edge of the comfort zone, when you just don't know what can/might/will happen.

You have to let go of where you are in order to become what you want. In other words, you have to get out of the chair you are sitting in if you want to dance with your partner.

Yes, I really did say that I am terrified I might get what I want - I think that holds more people back than anything else - because if you get what you want, then what? No more excuses - you HAVE to move to the next level! And yes, that can be wicked scary.

But you know what? Feel the fear and do it anyway - and everything becomes possible.

Reflection

It has been a while since I last posted, and it has seemed a lifetime in the living.

On September 16, 2010, my friend and co-worker, George N. Parks passed away very suddenly of a heart attack. Those who knew him are still reeling in shock, as it just doesn't seem possible that someone that vibrant and full of life can just be...gone.

I keep saying that George is a beautiful example of how one person can change the world - one of the primary comments you hear about him is how he changed the life of every person he came in contact with. He made you feel like you were the most important person he could give his attention to, and that you mattered - no matter how well or long you may have known him.

I had the pleasure of working with George on many occasions at the UMass-Amherst Fine Art Center, where I work as a Production Stagehand. I've babysat rehearsals for the Marching Band, worked the Multibands Pops concert for 8 years now, and multiple smaller concerts of sections of the Marching Band. I also worked with George on the UMass "Caring and Sharing" campaign, and watched him virtually single-handedly raise the money for the new band building currently under construction on the UMass-Amherst campus. He was an amazing, inspirational man, and he will be greatly missed - and his legacy will continue for generations.

I would also like to take a moment to acknowledge some other very special people at this time. The UMass Minuteman Marching Band - for their incredible dedication and courage in continuing to perform "with pride" as George would want them to. No one would have thought the less of them if they had not played at the game in Michigan on the 18th September - however, they not only played, they performed beautifully. About 1/2 hour ago I arrived home from the Multibands Concert, where I have never heard the band play with such heart. Multiple standing ovations.

And speaking of standing ovations - I was touched and thrilled that Thom Hannum, George's Assistant Band Director, received a standing ovation when he took the stage. It has fallen to Thom to step and lead in George's place through this challenging time. It is my belief that the band has held together so well and performed so admirably because of the example they have in the leadership of Thom Hannum. Thom is a gentle, humble man, who, like George Parks, puts one foot in front of the other and tries to do the next right thing. Thom has been nothing short of amazing these past few weeks, shouldering challenges that would crumble a lesser man. The Band is lucky to have him, and the UMass community owes him a debt of gratitude and I am grateful for the well-deserved ovations he received for his strength, grace, and dedication.

The Power and Class of New England - EYES WITH PRIDE!!

Visioning

There are two crucial steps to making change in your life - first, having a vision of what you want to make happen. Second, taking steps to make that happen. Okay, 3 things - the third being to KEEP TAKING THE STEPS! So often we work so hard, only to stop just before the finish line. I know I'm not the only one to "self-sabotage" myself this way. So what can be done about it?

First, stop making excuses. You are not responsible for everyone around you, and if something is genuinely important to you, you WILL find time to sit with yourself to get clear about it. This process can be combined with other things - for example, I really want to exercise more - and I find I do some of my best thinking when I'm walking.

One of the things I find extremely useful is to have someone to hold me accountable. Like with exercise - I am far more likely to actually do it on a regular basis if I know I have to meet someone, and far more likely to sleep in or get distracted by something else and blow it off if I am on my own.

It is also critical to not make promises that you do not intend to keep - especially to yourself. Most of us will kill ourselves to keep our word to someone else, but not think twice about keeping it to ourselves - however, not keeping our word to ourselves not only hurts us, but undermines our authenticity and reliability to others. It's like the adage: "If you can't love yourself, no one else can." ~ Therefore, "If you can't trust yourself, no one else can."

So you sit and create your vision - you know what your goal is. For example, mine at this time is to find a full-time job in Theater, 1) that I will enjoy and will challenge me and let me develop my design skills, and 2) preferably in a climate that I want to live in (go go Vegas or Los Angles!).

Along with knowing the goal, you have to be IN the vision. Not seeing yourself like in a movie, but actually IN the picture - looking through your eyes, feeling with your senses. Having been to both of these cities this year, it is really easy for me to BE there (I think my body still is - when it gets under 70 degrees here, I'm freezing!).

Next, is taking steps to achieve the goals. Every chance I get, I remind myself that where I am is where I am for now, and that it is a matter of time before I find where I am supposed to be (or will achieve my goal weight, etc etc). In other words, all you are is not where you are, unless you tell yourself it is.

Then, keep taking the steps - this is where I see most people (myself included) lose it. You start feeling good, you let things slide, or you think it is never going to happen. The fact of the matter is, things take time to gestate - they rarely happen overnight. As one of my mentors, James Arthur Ray puts it: "Would you walk up to a woman who is 4 months pregnant and say 'Well? Where is it? Where's the baby? Is this REALLY going to happen?' " Of course not! It is the same for everything else in life - it takes a particular amount of time to come into existence. Some things we just know how long they take (like babies), and others we don't (like finding the right job).

This is where having someone to "hold your feet to the fire" and keep you accountable comes in. Having to check in with someone makes you more likely to take consistent action. This can be in the form of a friend (like an exercise buddy), or in a more formal role like a therapist or Life Coach.

This is what started this whole vein/rant about visioning and accountability - yesterday I had an exploratory session with a Coach, to see if we want to work together. I like his style - he is honest, direct, doesn't pull punches, calls me on my stuff, points out where I am getting in my own way and not being accountable for something, and cheers when I finally get it. As he puts it, he is a "loving witness" - and sometimes truly loving includes "tough" love.

Working with this Coach is going to be hard, challenging, probably painful at times (I've already cried 3 times when talking to him), but powerful, transformative and wonderful. He sees my patterns, and holds me to the focus, and doesn't let me off the hook - in other words, he holds me accountable to what I want and need. He is a good match for me in this way, and it is both scary and wonderful to find someone who is your match. I am both terrified and excited to begin this part of my journey, and grateful to know that it won't be alone.

It is scary to step out into uncharted territory. We become very attached to our limitations and where we are - even if it isn't where we want to be - because it is familiar.

There is comfort in the familiar - but in order to get where you want to be, you MUST be willing to release where you are (ie, I'll let go of this doorknob in MA when I arrive in Los Angeles - it just won't work that way).

I'm releasing, and taking a leap...

People are funny....

So it's Labor Day Weekend, and I'm having a huge yard sale to get ready for my impending move - wherever that may be.

I had a few folks stop by today, and made about $106 all told - not bad! I need about another $170 to pay for the gas for the trip across the country (probably a little more, but we'll be optimistic).

My first customer today amused the hell out of me. She came by and wanted my large, blue, plastic Ikea bag and 2 VHS tapes - I figured a couple bucks each for the tapes and a $1 for the bag (it was a BIG bag). She pitched a fit, screaming that yard sales are supposed to be cheap, and how dare I ask so much. I offered to come down to $3, and she insisted that I was a horrible person and that she would have nothing to do with the tapes and only wanted the bag (I now wish I had refused to sell it to her)- I told her if she wanted to be that way, fine - no biggie to me, and continued to laugh at her the rest of the time she was here. She went next door to the stack of free stuff in front of the other building, found a piece she liked, and said that's the way it is supposed to be, and that she's a scavenger - to which I responded, "I noticed." The look she gave me was priceless, and I continued to laugh as she drove away.

I had another woman pitch a fit when I said I would start negotiations at $5 for a Pampered Chef product that retails for $20-$25, and had never been out of the box. She asked me to come down to $2, and I said that as it was early, no go. She said she'd be back at the end of the day to get it cheap. Later she came back with friends, and said she was coming back tomorrow at the end of the day to buy it for half - I said "Nah, for you, it will be doubled" and her friends laughed. They also overheard me tell someone about the earlier woman, and asked if it was their "cheap friend" I was talking about - too funny!

I only had one person ask if everything was free.

I tell you - people crack me up! :)

Holding the Vision

This is the hardest part - the waiting.

It is so easy to just say "relax and let it go" when it isn't you in the Hot Seat.

It's funny, I know I shouldn't feel abandoned, but a part of me does - before the interview, everyone was saying how they're pulling for me - and I really, really appreciate that. But now that it is over, a few folks have asked how it went (and I'm referring them here, because it is exhausting to tell the same story over and over and over again), but no-one is really saying that they're still holding me in their thoughts. Interesting...

It actually reminds me a little of when I was going through a breast cancer scare a few years back. The few folks I told about it were like "Wow, I'm sorry to hear that - keep me posted." - but no one wanted to stand with me in that in-between place. They want to know what is going on, and they want to know whether to commiserate or celebrate, but they don't know what to do or what to say when you don't know - and therefore do not talk to you.

I am equal parts excited and terrified to get this job. It seems like the farther away I get, the more I start second-guessing myself, wondering if I should have done some little thing differently during the interview. Hoping they'll call my references, because I know they'll say good things about me.

The idea of a cross-country move is overwhelming, but as I sit in the humidity of the Northeast, I realize yet again how "done" I am with New England weather. It is hot in California and the sun is intense, but I really like it better without the humidity.

I really want to call the girls whose place I looked at and tell them that I will take it - and I want to be living there by October 1...

Vision, hold faith, trust - repeat...

Standing in Faith

All the footwork that can be done has been. I brought my portfolio, I had the interview - I feel like I conducted myself well, and regardless of the outcome, I know I did my best.

That said, CalArt is one amazing place. The position would incorporate much of the work I'm already doing, with the added bonus of having a regular schedule. I have put things in motion at home to be able to move within 2 weeks of my return. I have been househunting while I am here, and have 2 possibilities.

I have done all that I can, now I must wait - and have faith, that if it is meant to happen, it will...

Readying the Next Step

I leave in 4 days for Los Angeles, to interview to be the next Assistant Technical Director for the Department of Dance at CalArts (www.calarts.edu). This is a school that was founded by Walt Disney, with the vision of a place for students to learn in a very individualized environment, with all the arts under one building. The result is a small, dedicated group of people, with a lot of cross-departmental work.

I'm very excited about this opportunity - not only would it let me grow in ways I cannot possibly see now, but it would mean getting out of the snow climate!!

There is so much to consider - do I want my own place, which would be expensive but my own, or do I want to share? If I share, for how long? Do I put my stuff in storage, sell it, or pay to move it? Would it be cheaper to replace things down the road rather than store it?

I'll know a lot more after Monday - I'm doing preliminary house hunting on Sunday, interviewing on Monday, and should know if I got the job on Wednesday or Thursday.

It feels right - I can really see myself out there, working in this environment. They seem excited about me.

Here's hoping... :)

Sometimes it is all about letting go...

Change is in the air. Everyone seems to be feeling it in some way. I ran into my PostalPerson today, who actually said "Change is good!" when she told me that due to health problems, she is no longer allowed a regular "carry" route.

I can feel the winds of change stirring about my feet. I know it is coming, I know I will be moving, shifting, embracing something new, and my spidey sense says it will be sooner rather than later.

I have no idea what it will be, but I am excited about the next phase. I realized today that although I love where I am and what I have been doing very much, in many ways I have hit the limit of what I can actually do here. At the Fine Arts Center, I am at the top of the pay scale as a freelancer, and although there is still groom to grow as a Lighting Designer with the 5-College Dance Program, there really isn't a whole lot else for me here as an artist. So I let go, release, and ask for the next step.

They say that you do not grow when you are comfortable - it's true - you really are only willing to change when you are not happy or uncomfortable, for most change is usually more about running away from pain rather than growth itself.

Letting go in and of itself is an interesting proposition. I really want to let go, live minimally, and be able to pick up and go as soon as they say "Yes, come here!" But the actual doing is something else. As much as I really want to clear the physical clutter in my life, it is hard to overcome the ovewhelm to actually do it. Getting ready for the tag sale I had earlier today, I ended up spending a good portion of the day yesterday on the computer, because I was so overwhelmed. I know I will get there, but sometimes I am only capable of baby steps.

A wise friend once said to me "You cannot judge your insides by other people's outsides" - good advice. You don't always know the chaos that others' tidy homes may hide... All I know in this moment, is that I feel good for all the things I released today, happy about the extra $70+ in my pocket, and more energized to have a much larger moving sale next weekend - it may be baby steps, but I think I will be a lot closer to being able to pick up and go when the time comes!

famine to feast

Tour to Rochester was interesting, and a good example of meeting people in person if you can, before you take a job sight unseen...

The job was somewhat good on paper - okay money, housing provided, diversity of work. However, the reality was a theater that was essentially paid community theater, folks who aren't allowed to do the job they are hired for (their job plus 6 others added as you go along), a micro-managing director who can be abusive and bi-polar, and no resources to really do what you want to accomplish and no future. A good learning position for someone right out of college, but not for an established professional.

The show itself was wonderful "Cooking with the Calamari Sister" - funny, entertaining, and wonderful. I can't wait to see the next installment!


Arriving home finally from 9 weeks on the road was interesting. It took a couple days before anything really felt familiar. The cats are glad I am home, and so am I. The first couple days back were all about nesting - cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry, and napping, catching up on much-needed rest.

Then the question of "next step" - where do I go from here? While on the Rochester tour, I spent a couple hours on trade websites, sending out my resume. Some came back and wanted more information, and 3 have interviewed me this week: ART in Boston, Oddfellows Playhouse in Middletown CT, and CalArts in Valencia CA. I also have the option of interviewing with a house in Delaware in mid-October, for a position beginning January 1st.

I had an in-person interview with Oddfellows, and fell in love with the theater. It is a sweet dedicated space, with a lot of potential to grow and learn - I even told them that if I don't work with them as Production Manager, I want to come back as a designer.

The position at CalArt is amazing. When I talked to them today, I realized it is a dream job - production management, technical direction, working with students, getting to explore and grow as an artist/designer, and I'd get to TEACH a course in production management every semester. Oh, joy - oh rapture!!!

Keeping everything I can think of crossed, in hopes this comes through...

...and the tours continue...

I am now in Sugar Loaf, NY, touring as Production Manager for "Cooking with the Calamari Sisters/Mangia Italiano". I went to Rochester, NY, to learn the show, and it has a 4-show run here, about an hour outside NYC.

It is a semi-outdoor venue, very cool design. The walls are screening around the audience, and some kind of plexiglass around the stage - very clever.

The show itself is amazing and funny. It's about 2 Italian sisters who host a cable access cooking show, with dreams of going to the Food Network. However, one sister has the opportunity to tour her own variety show, and is splitting up the act. I don't want to say much more, except that chaos, cannollies, and charm ensue.

It's nice in that this tour is not in bunkhouses, but in a hotel. :) It's almost strange to have a full size bed to myself!

I head back to Rochester after the show on Sunday to load back into the theater and run 2 more shows before one of the performers goes in for surgery. Then I run a short run of "6 Guitars", a one-man show of a fellow who takes on the persona of 6 different famous guitar players. He won several awards at the Orlando Fringe, and it should be a good show.

The big question these days is: what is the next step? I stand in the place of faith, believing that the next right thing will manifest as it is meant to, but it is still a little scary to be facing bills, without knowing where I may have income. I'm putting out a lot of feelers, responding to trade postings.

It will be interesting to see where the next few weeks take me...

endings and beginnings

This is one of the last posts to this part of my life journey that will be posted (I'm expecting at least one more re the circus, but may still keep blogging anyway, if there is any interest).

I had a perfect morning yesterday - I woke up on my own about 7am, put some "staff only" signs up around the lot, talked to a couple early-rising staff members, then started to walk. It was a perfect weather day, cool, not humid, sunny. I did an hour of yoga in the Heritage Gardens (which felt great!), then went for a walk. I walked the labyrinth, walked the Shawme Lake view walk, got lost, found the Carousel and rode it, and then got a call from my boss, asking if I was on the lot.

I reported to her RV, thinking that I was going to get grief for forgetting to put up the "next show" clock sign before I left for yoga. I was informed that apparently several Board members who attended the show in Waltham last weekend didn't feel I treated them specially enough, they felt "herded" into their seats, and that I was "Gestapo-esque" in my attitude toward trying to get everyone seated and safe. They decided I was damaging the "down home, friendly" reputation of Smirkus, and that I had to go. I was given about an hour to pack my things, taken to Boston's South Station to take a bus to Montpelier, VT, driven back to base camp at Greensboro, and drove home.

I left Sandwich at 12:30, arrived at Greensboro at 8pm, and finally home at 3:30am, due to exhaustion causing me to stop and sleep at pretty much all but one rest stop on the way home.

My house is unfamiliar to me. When I was on the road, the majority of my "homesick" was to be with and missing the boyfriend who no longer exists. I have no idea what to do with myself.

I am a Production Manager, and a damned good one. I am not a Front of House Manager - I told them that going in, and that it isn't my favorite of jobs. I did the best I could, with the limited resources I had. They kept expecting me to know everything and everyone and be the person they've had for the past 6 years, without giving me the benefit of time to get to know processes and people. I am used to a highly structured environment, and told them it would take time to adjust to the more free-flowing environ of Smirkus. Personally, when I'm trying to fit 700+ people into the bleachers, get them to move over for late comers, ask people to turn off the flash on their cameras, how am I supposed to personally greet every one of them?

They say they'll give me a good recommendation based on my Production Management skills - which they saw really are my strength.

And I do believe that everything really does happen for a reason. This morning I received a call from the theater in Rochester I have been talking with, and it looks like this weekend I will be going to Sugarloaf, NY, to see a production of "Cooking with the Calamari Sisters" - one of the few opportunities left to see this amazing production. It will be an in-person interview, and will hopefully lead to another in-person interview in Rochester at the "home base".

Onward and upward! :)

7 more stops

Wow - I can't believe how fast the time is starting to go, now that we've passed the halfway point. The time blends, one day into another - same thing, same people, different place.

The "I can't believe how many different ways people can suck" list keeps getting longer and more interesting. Things like:

** They are part of a group, and therefore think the entire row is reserved for them, not just their seat.

** Pitching fits because you tell their kid they can't sit on the floor where the riggers will walk over them, because they'll get hurt.

** Pitching a fit because you ask them to take a seat because they are either blocking the stairs or the entryway.

** Leave dirty diapers where the performers can walk on them.

** Throw trash all over the table in the entryway.

** Let their kids use the stairway handrail as a jungle gym.

** Pitch a fit because they arrive 20 minutes after the start of show and there aren't seats saved for them front row center.

** Are surprised when they arrive at 7:05 and the show started without them.

** Leave ridiculous amounts of trash in the house when they leave.

Do no mothers teach manners anymore???

One of the best ones yet, though, was the 2 girls sitting in the mast area that I had to ask to move. There was no more room on the floor for them, so I told them they needed to sit with their mom - and they proceeded to dive under the chain to cross the back of the stage to their mom on the other side of the ring! I stopped them and took them out and around to the other entrance where their mom met us - I heard her tell them they can't walk across the stage - then when they got back inside, tried to sit in every area that is marked off to not sit in! Sheesh!

Clown nose (near) catastrophe: Our Sasquatch clown bumped his nose just as he came offstage from his last bit, and his nose came off. He tacked it back on for curtain calls, but it fell off - and bounced off his hand when he tried to catch it. We thought an audience member took it home for a souvenier, but fortunately, it was found under the bleachers - while using a spotlight as a flashlight...

We are now in Sandwich, MA, on Cape Cod. I have a timeshare not far from here in Falmouth, so I think of the Cape as my "happy place". Not surprisingly, as I drove closer to the Cape, my stress levels just kept dropping.... :)

Wirewalkers vs Flasher

For the most part, I try to be invisible in the House once the show starts. However, if I see something that I feel endangers the safety and wellbeing of my performers, I will do what is necessary to protect them.

A couple nights ago at one of our shows in Richmond, RI, we had issues with one woman taking flash photos. After talking to her a couple times, she finally figured out how to turn off the flash. Unfortunately, it somehow got turned back on during intermission.

The first act of the 2nd half is the wirewalking act - one of the more dangerous of the show. They're working about 7 feet off the floor, without a net. This woman was sitting in the back section, next to the backstage entrance to the ring, on the front row. I was standing almost directly across the ring from her, in the main entrance. I saw the flash, turned to see where it came from, and the 2nd one told me it was her again.

As I said, usually I try to be somewhat invisible - normally I would go out and come back in the side entrance, but this woman was taking picture after picture, after picture in immediate succession - so I literally ran through the house at full tilt, possibly pushing a couple of the kids who were sitting on the floor out of my way (I tell them to keep the aisle clear!), and flew to where this woman was sitting. I remember saying "Flash off, flash off! Turn your flash off - you're going to make them fall!" - but I don't know if I yelled it or not. She gave me a confused look and said, "My flash is on?" "Yes!!!! Turn it off before you make them fall!" I replied. "Oh." She said, and turned it off.

I got back to my post, and saw she was still taking a million pictures - usually we don't mind a picture now and then, but the only ones we really let take that many are press. So I went back and asked her to stop taking photos. "My flash is off!" she protested, when I told her, "Yes, and thank you. However, you are taking so many pictures that you are missing the show - we don't mind a picture now and again, but we really prefer that our patrons relax and enjoy WATCHING the show." That finally stopped her.

Amusingly, I had one woman stop my on my way back to my post during the wirewalker act to say, "You poor thing - you have an impossible job - no one listens to you!" And after the show, a gentleman came up and said "You do an amazing job." I said "Thank you, they are amazing. I'm glad you enjoyed the show." He replied, "Yes, they do, but I meant YOU. It's a big deal to keep them all safe, and you do a really good job."

Nice to know, some days, that I do something right...





ps
As to the relationship - nothing bad, he just may have a job in another part of the country, and is preparing to leave. Good news for him, as it is more settled than he is now, and closer to his kids.

halfway point

I am just about to get myself going for the 2 shows of the day, and teardown to ready for the jump to Waltham, MA.

We are exactly at the halfway point of the tour, and what a summer it has been. Record high temperatures, my bunk melting it's electrical plug so that we lost power and A/C for a night, having directional signs stolen, having directional signs stolen and put on the steps of the town hall with a nasty-gram saying we are a hazard to the neighborhood prettiness, been assaulted by a patron, had 2 near-riots with patrons, given serious attitude by a New Yorker when I told her the house wasn't open yet and she needed to wait outside the tent, had people pitch a fit when I informed them that their stroller needs to be parked OUTSIDE the tent, got a pie in the face on my birthday (and managed to inhale the shaving cream), saved the day for the wirewalkers from a manic flash photographer, and had my relationship end.

And we're only halfway there....

Anyone interested in hearing any details of any of the above? Admittedly, the wire-walker photographer story is one of my favorites...

calming down

Sometimes you just have to have a meltdown to get it out of your system - sometimes just having someone hear (and valiate) when you say "this really sucks!" makes you feel like it really doesn't suck so much.

To answer a couple of questions sent to me: not responding doesn't necessarily mean lack of support, but lack of feedback does leave me hanging to if anyone is listening and/or interested in what I am reporting about. The draw of Smirkus: There is no one "star" per se, the company as a whole is the star. All of our performers are under 18, and when they graduate high school, they are no longer eligible to be "Smirkos". This is no "kiddie show" - the caliber of performance and skill is some of the best I have seen, and folks who see it for the first time inevitably are completely blown away by how good the Troupers are. It is also a rarity these days, in that it is a "mud show" - we travel with our own big top, and have no indoor venues.

Today especially the show earned its name - 10 min after I arrived on the lot, the heavens opened with terrific winds, thunder, lightening, and torrential rain. I was very grateful to have my rainboots today (bright yellow!).

We are in an older fairgrounds - some say its creepy, but it reminds me a bit of the 3-county fairgrounds at home in Northampton. Speaking of home - it was great to see my friend, Kristen, while in Brattleboro - I got to go out for lunch and shopping, and felt like a "real person" for a couple of hours. It was also hard to be 45 minutes from home and not get to go visit my cats. Or take a shower and do laundry at home.

You don't realize how wonderful it is to take a shower without wearing flip flops or to use a flush toilet until you've been on tour for 6 weeks, sharing a shower stall with 30 other people...

almost halfway

4 more shows and we'll be at the halfway point of the tour.

In some ways it has been pretty much what I expected, in others, not so much. It is true that you follow yourself wherever you go, and touring is a great way for those who want "geographical cures" to get their fix. You feel like just as you get into the groove of a place that it might not be for you, and it is time to move again. Strangely, I like that part of this.

I'll admit to not writing much lately for a few reasons: 1) internet has been occasionally spotty and challenging, 2) I've been exhausted and not feeling well and wanting to sleep rather than write, 3) there hasn't been any real comments to the blog, so I have no way of knowing if anyone is even reading - or if what I am writing (assuming someone is reading) is of any interest whatsoever.

Birthday with the Circus was interesting. I had really been looking forward to it. When the day arrived, a few folks wished me a happy birthday, but it didn't really feel like my birthday - I worked two shows and struck the setup in preparation for strike. The tradition of being "pied" in the face with a plate of shaving cream came during dinner, by which point I had honestly forgotten it was my birthday, so I was caught completely off guard. The cooks did make a peach cobbler in my honor, but by the time I was able to get to the mess tent, it was all gone! Nope, not a piece saved for me... :( ah well, easy come, easy go.

We're getting to that point in the tour where everyone seems to be getting sick of each other and it all. I have to say, for me, I could really use a day off and some rest. This last jump I spent my "off day" talking with the presenter, and never got the nap I really wanted.

New procedures are being put into place regarding my job - I agree that they may help, but I have to admit, it was presented to me in such a way that it really made me feel excluded as a part of the team (others talked about it, decided what should be done, then informed me how I will do my job). It has been frustrating, and turned a somewhat lonely situation into feeling very isolated.

This site has been strange from the beginning. From the first, it felt like the tent was "facing the wrong direction" - even though I know it is where it is supposed to be. It's just been weird...

On to Richmond, RI tomorrow!

Heat, humidity & superfans

The last couple sites have been challenging in that we are having unseasonal heat and humidity waves. It seems to be lessening, though, which is a good thing.

Folks keep asking if the tent is air conditioned - don't we wish! They keep saying "I thought you'd have fans" - then are surprised when you tell you do have them - they are under the bleachers...

We've been having great crowds at these shows - some folks leave at intermission due to the extreme heat, but most are sticking it out, and really loving the shows. The performers are true Troupers, and giving it their all, even in the hundred-plus heat in the ring.

Last night I had the Smirkus Superfan - shows up decked out in Smirkus gear, sporting a clown nose, bragging that he's been coming for 24 years (interesting since we've only been in existence for 23!), and sees upward of 10 shows a year. He did get in a tiff with a photographer who was standing near his seat, claiming the photographer was blocking his view. I was able to convince the photographer that he wanted to get a different vantage point for the 2nd half, since he'd already shot the early show from the same position.

The superfan laughed and released his frustration when I offered him a bottle of cold water to help him "cool off", and the photographer did the same when I referred to the superfan as "a very enthusiastic fan" - and told me that I must be good at public relations. It was gratifying to resolve the issue without feeling the need to ask for assistance.

Never a dull moment in the Smirkus! :)

Possible Pedophiles?

One of the challenges of working with a youth circus is that it brings out the strange in people sometimes. Yesterday we had 2 people wanting to sneak backstage to take pictures of the performers, one of whom gave the security guard a really hard time. The guy never really left the area until after the performers left the lot. It was creepy.

Another challenge is the parents who volunteer - they are wonderfully enthusiastic, but often refuse to listen. They have the attitude of "I've done this before", and forget that a) there are new things to the setup, and b) I'm new and I have my own system, that often isn't theirs.

Here in Saratoga, it has been the worst - the presenter insists on training my crew, has given me high school kids to usher who are esssentially ineffective and disappear 5 min into the show so that I am pretty much on my own for most of it - and won't listen when I tell them what I need.

Saratoga is pretty, but I'm ready to jump to Manchester...

Heat, headaches, and air conditioning

The last couple stops have been quite the adventure.

Plattsburgh was really beautiful, our location literally on the beach of Lake Champlain. However, it was an intense breeding ground for industrial mosquitoes - they literally punch through denim!

It was a lot of fun in that my best friend from high school lives there, and I got to see her and her family - what a treat! Even her mom happened to be visiting.

One of our troupers was hit in the head with a Chinese Pole and had to have 7 stitches - he returned to the ring yesterday at the shows in Saratoga Springs, with an adjusted performance so as not to aggravate his injury. He was in great spirits about it all, and the situation was handled with speed and skill.

Saratoga Springs is beautiful - I haven't been here in years. It is odd to hear sirens again. The challenge here is the heat - it is in the 90's, and with humidity is over 100 degrees - today it is expected to be about 120 in the tent. The presenters are taking some fun measures to help - they have sprinklers set up, have bottles that people can use to spritz themselves with water, and are selling frozen fruit bars.

Tonight we strike and get ready to jump tomorrow to Manchester, VT - the weather says it will be more of the same, which will be challenging. I have concern for our more elderly patrons, and I feel for our tent crew, setting up the tent in this heat and blazing sun.

We also have a new cooks assistant, one of the girls who has worked for me the past 3 years at the Fine Arts Center. She's my new bunkmate, and I think it is going to go really well. We are settling in good, and she doesn't snore! :)

Oh - the other snafu - the folks who are supposed to watch the inventory for novelties and concessions missed that we were selling out of the battery-powered spray fans and they haven't ordered more. So in the middle of a humid heat wave, we are sold out of our best-selling product with no idea when they will have more...

I just keep in mind that times like these make the best stories... :)

there are reasons they are called "troupers"

Plattsburgh, NY is a beautiful area. Right on the shores of Lake Champlain, a short drive from the Canadian border, and only 2 hours from Montreal. Aside from mosquitoes that can punch through denim and open doors, it is wonderful here!

It was an exciting day today. In the opening act of the first show, one of the Troupers was accidentally hit in the head with a Chinese Pole during a transisiton. He ended up going to the hospital for 7 stitches, and will likely be out of the ring tomorrow, performing again beginning on Monday.

Throughout the experience, his spirits remained high, and he spent his time at the hospital laughing and promoting our show to anyone who would listen.

There's a reason they call them "Troupers"....

Settling in to change

It is a weird thing to wake up in the same place...but different. My bunk is my bunk, but the view outside changes - and it takes some getting used to.

We have had 2 "jumps" now, first to Essex, VT, and now I am in Plattsburg, NY - so we've been on both sides of Lake Champlain. The weird part is that they're only about 80 miles driving apart on different sides of the same lake, yet the topography is completely different. Not to mention a totally different energy, and killer mosquitoes on this side...

Essex was great - sellout crowds, wonderful volunteers, a sweet site (and the best showers on the tour!), and the opportunity to work the kinks out of a lot of the system.

I had one show where I had to fit 11 wheelchairs into the seating, and learned a lot about juggling and getting creative. I had rude parents who didn't want the ushers to touch their child (you have to tap the kid to get their attention to take their hands off of where they are not supposed to be), yet didn't seem to care that the kids was in danger of being run over by a unicycle. I nearly had a riot at the last show because I had so many large groups with reserved seating that the general admission folks pitched a fit, and I had an elderly patron faint from the heat.

One of the truly memorable moments was of a mentally challenged man who was fascinated when they were preseated and got to watch the Troupers do some warm ups. He especially liked the contortionist - when I checked in with him at intermission, he couldn't rave enough about her act.

Teen Kids News came to do a segment on they show. They expected to film a little bit, film some extra footage of the Troupers practicing, do a couple interviews, then call it a day - but they were so entranced by the operation and the show, they ended up filiming the entire show! It should be an amazing segment.

Today was wonderful also because I got to see one of my best friends from high school, and finally meet her kids (10 and 7) - and see her husband, whom I haven't seen since their wedding 18 years ago. Bonus - her mom was visiting, and it was good to see her, too.

That's the fun part of touring - you get to go where your friends are sometimes! And, even though the faciliities aren't as nice as the last stop and the mosquitoes can punch through denim, we are literally on the shores of the lake, and it is beautiful here.

I'm looking forward to our shows - they should be slightly less chaotic than the last few, but good crowds.

One, Two, Three...Leap!

It is the morning of our first jump. I have to say that part of me is very excited, and knows that once we have "jumped" a couple of times, I'll have a lot more balance to my schedule. Yesterday morning was a lot of running around, trying to get things finished in order to open the show - which means that over 85% of what I need to do is actually now done, except for the actual running of the shows.

My truck, Tech Truck Laverne, is just about loaded. My job this morning is to finish doing some paperwork and getting my "master book" as together as I can, and consolidate all my forms and site information in one place. I am grateful to have sit-down work today, as I think I sat down a grand total of about 70 minutes over the course of a 17 hour day...

I must say, Northern VT is incredibly beautiful, with the most temperamental weather I have ever experienced! In one day, I have had to wear my heavy sweatshirt, traded it in for sunblock, shorts & a t-shirt, then had to don my serious weather gear for torrential downpours, then it is clear as if nothing happened within 40 minutes.

So far, on this jump day, we seem to be having an overcast, cool, but non-rainy day - in other words, a perfect day for a drive. My navigator is the coach from Mongolia, a very sweet woman, who I think sometimes feels out of place because her English isn't as good as she would like. Although we did discover this morning at breakfast that she speaks Russian, and I speak just a little bit of Russian. I'm not sure how good of an actual navigator she will be, but at least she'll be able to check of the directions, so I won't have to keep track of it, which will be a huge help.

See you in Essex, VT! :)

new bunkmate

so... I have a new bunkmate - a gorilla! his name is Sparky, and he sits in the entrada (main entrance) to greet all our guests. since the theme is "wilderness adventures" and our clowns are dressed as Smirko Scouts, Sparky is an official Smirko Scout, too! And the safest place for Sparky when travelling is in my bunk - especially since I have plenty of room at the moment.

Woo hoo - I love my new bunkie! :)

On With the Smirkus!

Today was opening day at Smirkus. I was wide awake at 6am, with all the things I needed to do racing through my head. I hit the ground running, and only now (11pm) am finally slowing down. I had about 4 bites of lunch, a quick dinner, and a couple of candy bars to sustain me.

But the real story - the first show was a little bit rocky. It was a lot of racing around today to get things done - signs posted, midway cleared, and folks asking me directions.

The first show started a little bit late, but went really well. The performers were amazing, and the show is really coming together. The second show went really smoothly - started at 7:03 and ended at 9:08 - not bad for a first day! The first show had some issues with having to ask kids to keep off the ring curb so they didn't get hurt, I busted one woman for flash photography, had a parent tell me he couldn't care less that we don't allow photos to be taken, and several volunteers who never showed up. However, I had other parents, and even our Executive Director, jump in and help.

We were also blessed with beautiful weather, and large, appreciative crowds. I hear that the next set of shows will be very challenging in that the houses will likely be sold out. Great news for Smirkus!

Tomorrow, we jump...

Eve of chaos!

It is the night before we open. I got to sit and watch the final dress rehearsal, to take notes of what the ushers need to watch for, as far as safety in the house. It blows me away how many times I forgot I was watching kids - they are amazing!!!

It was a long, chaotic day. My bunkmate left the Smirkus today - I do not know if she chose to leave or was asked, but it is over, and peace has been restored.

I spent my day painting stars on the adjusted presenters signage, confirming volunteers, and managed to get a load of laundry done!

I have so much I want to say, but am so exhausted I can't even think straight. I will likely be writing from Essex, VT next - we have 2 shows tomorrow and then begin the load out process.

This is going to be interesting... :)

common courtesy

It is a crazy time, here at the Smirkus. Getting everything ready and together for opening day on Friday, making sure I have my head together and organized (I know it is the only thing that will save me this summer), and dealing with musical bunkmates.

The intern is moving in as we speak. I spoke with the Tour Manager earlier today, and voiced my concerns about the intern's attitude. It is extremely difficult for me to have those kinds of conversations, and I am grateful that I am in an environment where I feel safe and supported. In fact, the Tour Manager said that she knows she is putting me in a difficult position, and wants me to know that I am supported and that she understands. This really is an amazing organization.

So - the intern. After being informed by the Production Manager about her move, she approached me and informed me that I have 2 choices: her saxophone can either go under my bunk in storage, or it will be stored in the open where it will be tripped over. I asked if she gets it out a lot, and she said "all the time". I said it could be fine, but that she should consider putting it in the closet, since that is her dedicated space. She informed me it wasn't an option, and walked away.

I took a little time to absorb this, and decided that her attitude is not acceptable. I called her over a while later, and told her that there is a third choice - she stores it in her bunk. I also informed her that her attitude is not acceptable, and that she needs to show some courtesy and respect. I used the example of the project she was doing for me yesterday - that the courteous and professional thing to do would have been to inform me that she was unable to complete the project, so that I could put it back on my to-do list. She immediately began with the excuses, "I got pulled into other things!" to which I replied, "I understand that and it's fine, but it would have been common courtesy to inform me it wasn't done, instead of leaving it for me to find." I further said, "We will be living in very close quarters - you need to show some courtesy and respect - pleases and thank you's will go a very long way." She then walked away, and it took me about 10 minutes before my hands stopped shaking.

When I returned to the bunk after dinner and a shower, she was unpacking. I asked if she would mind giving me a couple of minutes to get dressed, and came out, and demanded that I give her my drawer. I reminded her that she has the entire closet, and she whined that I have this space and that space. I smiled, said "no", and told her that if she had said "please" it would likely have been a different story - and it would. I would have been happy to move my underwear to a bag under my bunk, if she had shown some simple courtesy.

I don't feel like it should be my job to snap her leash on the respect issue, but I am also not going to allow her to walk all over me. Just like training a dog - you behave, you get what you want, you don't behave, you don't get anything.

I think my lessons in this are about being clear in boundaries and standing up for myself, something that is often challenging for me. I will say, however, that our last interaction felt good when I informed her that it would have been different if she had been respectful.

I just hope she doesn't snore.... :)

The DOT Physical - and other things

It started out straightforward enough - take a van with a bunch of people to the Burlington, VT airport to pick up rental vehicles for the tour. Take some to a secondary place for other vehicles. Drive to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things I need for Front of House. Go to the walk-in clinic to have a DOT physical so I am cleared to drive one of the box trucks on tour. Then drive back to camp. Simple, right? Riiight......

The drive out was uneventful and fun. There was 6 or 7 of us in the van, and we had a grand old time chatting and really getting to know each other. Turns out we had to literally drive right past Ben & Jerry's world headquarters, and a couple of the guys had never been there. I said I wasn't comfortable taking the time to go on the full tour, but I could be convinced to stop for ice cream - so we had ice cream. :) And the answer to the question is: "No, 10 am is NOT too early for ice cream!" (and for the record, pomegranate sorbet is wicked yummy)

Got to the airport dropoff with no issues. Thought we got lost on the way to the 2nd place, but found that fine, too. Then the real adventures began... Turns out the Mapquest directions I had were for the wrong address, and I couldn't find Wal-Mart. I finally pulled over and asked for directions. After 3 more mis-tries, I finally found it - after about 30 minutes of driving in circles. I decided to give myself a break, and checked in with a few folks I haven't been able to talk to, including my mom, who was delighted to hear from me. Yay mom! :) I even had a job interview with touring company in Boston, and I just might have a job offer by the end of the week! Wow...

I got my shopping done, and headed to the walk-in clinic. After about 40 minutes, I finally got my physical done - and was given a clean bill of health. I decided that at 3:30, it was time to get some lunch - Quizno's Sammy's are really good!

I decided to call in to the home base to let them know I was on my way, and to see if they needed anything else and if I should gas up the van. They were surprised I was leaving so late, and I explained that I got lost on the way to Wal-Mart (then again, I got lost IN Wal-Mart too, as it is so not set up the way they are back home - ahh, I miss home...).

I also got lost two more times on the way home, between strange directions and not well marked streets. I did figure it out, and was doing the happy happy dance when I saw the signs for Smirkus at the turnoff to Circus Road.

Silly me - I thought that was the end of the adventure for the day! I get back, and get treated like I'm lying about getting lost (one of the interns flat-out said I was wrong that Mapquest was incorrect, but then allowed for the fact that she's from the area and knows her way around - then again, she's 21 with an attitude - I need to talk to her about the project she did for me and didn't finish, without telling me she didn't finish it). Fortunately (for me, not her!), one of the other drivers got lost going to Wal-Mart too. She took down the address from my directions, and her Tom-Tom sent her to a completely different place (the same plaza I found), and it took her a half hour to find Wal-Mart too! Not to mention, the area where Wal-Mart is was signed well for Marshalls, Circuit City and Home Depot, but no mention of Wal-Mart! ARGH!!!

However, that said - it was a beautiful, perfect day for a drive. I saw a statue of 2 whale tails that looked like they were diving into the grass, and a car dealer had a sporty red convertible in the front of the lot, with a cigar store indian in the drivers' seat. If I hadn't been driving, I would have taken a picture!

I also saw a display of sculptures made with a chainsaw - including bears & a moose! And I made it home for dinner...

I also discovered upon my return that my bunkmate has left! Apparently she decided it wasn't a good fit for her. I'm sad to see her go, and I wish her well on her journey.

Now to work a little more and head to bed.

it's a secret...

I don't want to admit it - but I'm already a little homesick.

I miss (in no particular order):

* Settling in with my cats and watching TV at night.

* Being able to use my cell phone (there is no service here for miles!)

* Having a fast internet connection, and not having every other page time out

* My cats

* My BED!

* My bathroom

* My SHOWER!!

* Being able to walk into town

* Seeing different people every day

* My CHIROPRACTOR!!!

* My town

* My boyfriend

* My friends

* Having shopping within 20 min - not 1.5 hours

* Not having spiders, flies, and all manner of bugs crawling on me nearly constantly

* Cooking

* My own laundry machines

* Did I mention my bed? And being able to use my cell phone? And my shower?

It's amazing the things you miss. I really miss being able to plan my own menus. Don't get me wrong - they feel us REALLY well here, and I hopefully won't starve. But it is a very limited menu, and it is pretty much impossible for me to keep to the nutrional plan I want to be on. If I did, I would eat pretty much just lettuce every day. :( I miss my baked salmon. I want grilled veggies that don't include peppers, onions and mushrooms...

I love where I am and what I'm doing, but it's good to know that home really is home, too...

Countdown to Jump

As of 8pm this evening, I will have been at Smirkus a full week - and what a week it has been!

I am grateful that today was the first day I had to break out any of my foul-weather gear, but I did have to use my jacket and hat. The weather is bizarre here - literally hot and sunny one minute, then 10 degrees colder and pouring rain the next, then back and forth all day.

I will say, however, I don't think I've ever been in a prettier place. I'm hoping to go for a nice walk on Tuesday or Wednesday and take some pictures before we leave for Essex, VT.

It took a couple days for me to settle into life here. I'm used to living alone and having a whole house to myself - now I share a room about the size of my bathroom with another person - and the interesting part is that I'm now the tidy one! Yes, it is true!

I've spent 3 days painting - sandwich boards for signage, and stanchions to put ropes on and "candy canes" - barries to (hopefully) keep kids out of the aisles when the Troupers enter and exit the ring from the side entrances. I spent part of today "wrapping" the candy canes themselves - pvc pipe bent in a slight arc - with blue and white electrical tape. They look pretty good, if I say so myself!

A couple days ago I finally to to meet Rob, the founder and visionary of Circus Smirkus. He is quiet, unassuming, and genteely friendly, as seem to be everyone who is either from Vermont or has lived here for a while. Of course, I met him when I was taking a break for lunch, and covered head to toe in red paint (I had a little accident, and the paint won). I commented, "I had really hoped to look a bit more presentable when we met" - to which he looked me up and down, taking in my tie-dyed shirt and paint-splashed pants and exclaimed, "But you're so colorful! It's wonderful!" and I said, "Yes, I guess it is a bit Smirkus, isn't it?" :) Somehow it seems a fitting way to mark meeting the founder...

Last night was the "No talent talent show" - and what an evening it was! Many of the Smirkos and a few of the staff performed. It included clowning by staff, tap dancing, mime with sound effects, singing, piano-playing, air guitar and other instruments, magic, impressions, and the main requirement is that the talent you shared was not related to the circus (exception made for the clown emcee, as he was a long-standing part of the show). I was part of a bad magic act, and had a ball doing. I showed off my skill at juggling one orange, much to the amusement of all.

Today I was also given my offical Smirkus cell phone, to be an "in case of emergency" number for Trouper families.

This evening will be spent putting together my "master book" and getting organized for the upcoming shows, now that the majority of outdoor stuff (with the exception of washing the mats for kids to sit on, and I need better weather to do that) is done.

It really is amazing being part of an organization like this. Earlier today I was chatting with one of the Troupers, who was wearing a knee brace. She told me she tore her ACL last September doing gymnastics, had surgery in December, and is good to go. The dedication of these kids is amazing, and humbling. As are their many talents - and by and large, they are good, sweet kids.

And if I didn't mention it already, 80%+ of the shows are performed as benefits for worthy organizations - Circus Smirkus helps raise funds for some really great non-profit organizations.

I hope to see you at the Smirkus this summer! :)

And so it begins...

Things are in full swing here at the Smirkus. I am grateful to have my car with me, as I have already made 2 trips into the general store 5 miles away for things that I didn't think I would need (like a heating pad to keep my feet warm so I can sleep at night!).

The weather has been very New England - cold at night, dreary during the day, and sunny in the evenings. However, yesterday (Wednesday) it was gorgeous, and almost warm! Today it has been dreary and trying to rain all day...

Things are ramping up - the last of the staff is arriving, things are being build for sets, costumes are being fitted (and very adorable!), and the acts are coming together.

I had a meeting today with the executive director, and feel like I am getting my head around my job. I think I have what I will need to update the paint on some of the sign holders, and will be putting together my "master book" over the next few days.

We will have 17 stops in 6.5 weeks, with pretty much no days off. There is one town in MA that has been giving us grief, and we are seeing some progress on that point. I think the problem is they hear "Circus" and think "Carnival with midway" and don't realize that we won't be the disruption to the area that they anticipate...

Today I felt like I was on a scavenger hunt - looking for paint brushes, hands to the clock sign (and a way to attach them), and a place to paint. After finally being given permission to buy the paint I need, I ended up going 2 towns over to Hardwick, VT, to get the paint, other supplies, and wood for the carpenters. I returned, turned in my receipts to the office, and when I went to retrieve my paint, it turns out the van had been taken - so I guess I'll get it later!

Oh - if you are interested, the vans are large, 15 person vans - one blue, called "Buster", and green, "The Frog". Turns out they're a lot of fun to drive!

I'm also finding that between the constant low pressure system, the fresh air, the really yummy, healthy food, and the lack of contact with the outside world, that it is possible to work full time and yet slow down. I know I have plenty of time to do what needs to be done, and that it will be done well. The folks here are friendly, and they trust that I am a professional who knows how to do my job - and will ask if there is something I don't know. What a refreshing change! And to be surrounded with wonderful, friendly people - I love the Smirkus! :)

My bunkmate arrived today - and seems to be settling in. She is happy with the space arrangement, and I think we're going to get on well.

You are here ----->

I finally arrived at Smirkus.

I left nearly 4 hours later than I wanted to - partly because it seemed to take forever to finish all the little bits of packing (still realizing stuff I forgot), I wanted to leave my house in a way that I wouldn't be embarrassed at the thought of people coming into it to live and take care of my cats, and partly because I wanted to spend just a little quality time enjoying the company of my new boyfriend (a rarity as I always seem to be on the road since we met) and the energy of my town that I won't see all summer. And it just seems to be one of those days - I went to get the Febreeze out of my bag, and discovered it had come open (while laying on its side) in the bag - at least 1/3 of it is now in the bottom of my bag... Oh well, at least it smells fresh!

The day as I was driving was overcast, with occasional rain. I stopped in White River Junction, roughly the halfway point, to have a quick dinner with my grandparents, which was a nice treat.

As I got back on the the highway to head to the great North, I realized that I had never been past White River Junction on I-91 Northbound - I was literally in new territory. At the moment I had that realization, the skies literally cleared - and the sun came out to the extent that I had to wear my sunglasses for most of the journey ("my life is so bright I gotta wear shades!"). It was like my trip was being blessed by the Gods - I had a Louise Hay lecture in the cd player, and life is good.

Northern Vermont is beautiful. It looks like it does in the postcards - rolling hills covered in trees of varying shades of green. Small lakes and ponds dot the countryside, as do red barns, farmhouses, and "oreo" cows (saw twin babies ~ so cute!).

I managed to find my way to "Circus Lane", and drove the half mile down the dirt road - until I turned a corner, and there it was - the Big Top in all its white and blue striped glory. Slightly smaller than I envisioned, but exciting, and surrounded by other, smaller, tents. I pulled up to the building with a handful of young folks practicing juggling with a diablo (like an hourglass on a string) and asked where to find the person who could point me to my bunk. After about a half hour, I got sorted out, and even met my new best friend, the Concessions Manager.

It seems trivial, but I'm excited that my roommate isn't here yet - she won't arrive for another day or two, so I'll have a chance to get settled and not have to trip over another person while I unpack and get sorted out.

The space is tiny - about the size of my bathroom, with 2 bunk beds slightly thinner than a twin-size bed, a small closet, a nightstand with 2 shelves, 2 small storage spaces under the bed, and 2 small drawers under the closet. I am glad to have time to figure out where to put everything - and I'm happy that I get the bottom bunk! I just hope she doesn't snore....

I am here...! :)

one, two, three...jump!

It's finally here - the day I have been working toward. I am leaving for the Smirkus.

I'm going crazy, making sure I have everything, making sure all the "must do" stuff is done. But the list is crossed off, the car is packed, the kitties have been kissed, and it is time to hit the road (3 hours later than I wanted to, but it wouldn't be me otherwise!).

Yes, I'm nervous - but I'm also wicked excited. This is such a cool adventure I am embarking on. Something most people can only even begin to dream about. About 5 hours from now (I'm stopping by my Grandparent's to say hello on the way through VT), I'll be arriving at Smirkus world headquarters, and settling in for my journey - wild ride?

I look forward to sharing my adventure with you, and hope to see you at the Smirkus!


Kat :)


tour schedule:
http://www.smirkus.org/htm/tour/tourschedule.html

Out of time

I had a feeling that this last week would go quickly, but it was literally in the blink of an eye! I've gotten a lot done, but as I look around me at all I still need to do before I leave tomorrow, I feel like I have gotten nothing accomplished.

Finishing up laundry, packing, triple-checking the packing list to make sure I have everything, hoping I've thought of everything. The good part is I've been so busy I haven't been able to think about being nervous.

The amusing part is that I have been talking about leaving on tour for almost a month now, but it seems like only in the last few days have people started to hear me. All of a sudden, folks I've been trying to connect with realize I'm leaving and suddenly want to see me - so in addition to putting everything together, I've been trying to have a social life. Why is it that people seem to want to see you the most when you don't really have time?

At least I have my annual birthday get-together with my best girlfriend to look forward to when I get back - we wanted to do it before I left, but we both have crazy schedules.

I am so excited to see friends on this tour. We'll be visiting cities near folks I haven't seen in ages, which is one of the best things about touring. With luck, I may even get to see a little of some of the places we visit.

T-minus approx. 15 hours and counting....

"Pre-Deployment" countdown

Eight days until I leave. Wow. Eight.

I'm experiencing what I expected to feel in these days, excitement, and a little nervous, setting out on such a new adventure. But I'm also feeling something I didn't expect - depression. Like a mafia thug in the movies, it was like I came home one night, and there he was, waiting for me in the dark - turning on the light, saying "Hello, sweetheart, miss me?" and I'm wondering how the hell he got in.

It's made me realize that I have never been away from home for this long - without bringing my home with me - ie, moving. Sure, I was gone for 5 weeks when my dad died - but that was being with my mom - and not something I was expecting. This is something altogether different. This is a conscious choice to leave all that I know and leap, completely, into the unknown.

I try to keep busy with all the last minute things I need to do, as well as clean and organize my house so the housesitter doesn't think too badly of me - but the truth is, I'm more than a little scared. I catch myself wondering, "Will I be good at this?" "Can I handle it all?" "Will they like me?" "Will they give me a hard time because I'm the new kid?" It's like starting junior high school all over again, only this time I don't get to go home to mom.

I know I'll be okay - it's just a little intimidating knowing it is almost time to jump...

taking leaps

Wow - here is a video of one of the most amazing proposals I have ever seen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQVoAWSP7k4

And a great example of what Circus Smirkus folks are all about! :) The performers, as well as the guy proposing, are Smikus alumni.

Oddly enough, I had my first dream about Smirkus last night as well.... This is going to be a very interesting journey...

Countdown begins...

Wow, time is really beginning to fly. I leave in exactly 12 days. With the exception of rain pants and a few odds and ends, I have pretty much everything I need.

The fun thing now is trying to fit in everyone who wants to get together before I head out - I feel so popular! That, combined with trying to get all the little odds and ends done around the house is really making the day fly by. I know it will seem like a blink and it will be time to hit the road.

In the meantime, I thought you might enjoy this glimpse of Circus Smirkus, courtesy of NPR: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEswqDNW4J8



Enjoy! :)

Getting ready...?

Okay, I admit it - in my excitement, I miscalculated the time. However, I do know that this is correct - two weeks from Sunday, on June 13, I will be leaving on my big, new adventure.

I am still running around getting organized, picking up last-minute items. I also still need to shop for rain gear, and have no idea where to start (if you do, please tell me!). I want something "breathable" that I can work in, that preferably won't cost a small fortune.

In some ways it seems unreal that I will be leaving soon, and for so long. Now that it is almost here, it is a little scary. So many details to be seen to. Making sure that my house/catsitter has all the information/resources that he needs. Hoping I don't forget anything. Hoping my cats will remember me when I return. Hoping my friends will come visit me on the tour.

In some ways, it seems like everything - yet nothing - is changing.

Pre-Tour Preparations

Wow ~ I can't believe that I leave in just under 3 weeks for tour! I've gotten a surprising amount done already - I just have a few minor things to get (when I realize what they are!), and I have to get rain gear. I was able to get some yellow "Morton Salt Girl" rubber boots, but I need some rain pants and a jacket. I know that more than once I'll be setting up or striking in the rain, and I'll just have to deal with it. I'm not looking forward to that part - I really hate working in the rain...

One thing I would like to address here is the question of what is happening with my house and my cats - the first question everyone seems to ask when I say I'm "running away to join the circus" is "Wow, for real?!?" and the second is "Are you giving up your apartment?" The answer is no, I am not. I have someone house-sitting for me, and he will be taking care of my cats. I'll only be gone for 9 weeks, so it would not make sense for me to give up my home.

I am, however, planning on having a HUGE yard sale on June 6 - so if you are in the Northampton area, please come by! :)

It's really kinda fun - it's too soon to actually start packing for the tour, but I got tired of tripping over bags of stuff in my bedroom. So I put a big cardboard box in my room and began to put items in the box. As I do so, I write them on the side and check them off, also noting items that I still need to get. It keeps everything together, I have a place to list what I still need (without little pieces of paper running around), and it is exciting to watch the box fill, knowing I am that much more prepared for Tour.

The really funny thing is that I keep catching myself saying things like "I need to do this before I go on vaca - I mean Tour." I think that's a good sign! I can't help but feel like I'm going away to summer camp - I know I'll work a lot and work hard with nary a day off, but I can't wait...

Running Away / Running Toward

Wow ~ I am SO excited! In just 3 1/2 short weeks, I'll be on my way to Northern VT to join the Circus! :)

I am starting this blog because a) I want to have some kind of journal of my experiences, and b) a lot (and I mean a LOT) of people have asked me to keep in touch, keep them updated, and to share my experiences.

I have found, as I have told people I am making this journey, that it touches something deep within - from their childhood - that makes them want to join me. Something about letting go of the ordinary to step into the extraordinary, to let go of restriction and embrace the creation of illusion. The idea of living one's life this way is so far outside the ability of most people to conceive, that they are fascinated by someone who is "living the dream".

I am at once excited beyond belief and terrified. This opportunity is well beyond my comfort zone, doing things that in many ways I have never done before. I have never lived in such tight quarters with another person for such a long time, especially one I am not related to or romantically involved with. I have never run the Front of House for more than a few evenings at a stretch. I have never gone over 2 weeks without telephone and internet since I I've had them. I'm nervous about leaving my home, my cats, and my life.

However, I know that the experiences I will gain are priceless. The practical experiences I will come home with, will make my resume shine: coordinated a tour, check. front of house manager, check. press liasion, check. circus experience, check. lighting design for aerialists, check. Yet I also know that the personal growth will be in ways I cannot anticipate and will be felt in way I cannot even begin to know.

So much to do ~ let the journey begin...