goodbye 2011, with gratitude

It is approximately 5 1/2 hours until 2012. Like most folks, the past few days I have been mentally reviewing the past year, thinking about all the things that have been wonderful, some not so wonderful, what I could have done differently, and what I have learned (I hope).

Like every year, I think so many of us look at the New Year's Holiday as a chance to "get it right this year" - with a whole shiney new year laid out before us, another chance to change things. But how often do we stay committed to those goals, those "resolutions"? How often have we made the same goals and continued to make the same mistakes and find ourselves just another year older, with another shiny new year in front of us?

Well, for me, it has been an adventure of epic proportions. I gave up my apartment in January, went to NYC for a week to rehearse "The Buddy Holly Story", then ran with the show for 11 weeks in Reno, NV. While there, I made some very dear friends, and found a wonderful faith community in the Unitarian Society of Northern Nevada. It was fantastic to be back in the mountains, and to have missed the severe snowstorms of the Northeast last winter. My time in Reno was not without challenge, but thanks to some amazing coaching with Aaron Schmookler, I not only got through it, but I thrived and found many things about the experience for which I am grateful.

From Reno, it was a whirlwind back to MA to design the lighting for the 5 College Dance program, and the Emerging Choreographer Series concert. From there on to Minneapolis, MN to work with the very talented Andrea Assaf and the wonderful folks at Pangea World Theater to produce the world premiere of "Eleven Reflections on September". From there, it was back to MA for a couple weeks, then driving halfway across the country to Carmel, IN, to work.

I worked in IN for about 6 months - I have to admit, when I was offered the job, the feeling in the pit of my stomach was that it wasn't the right fit for me. I convinced myself I was just nervous because it was such a huge change, and accepted the job - if I have learned nothing else this year, it is to trust that gut instinct. Within 2 weeks, I knew I was in the wrong place, but tried to make the best of it. Fortunately, I got on great with the resident companies, and tried to make the best of the situation - for the rest of it, I did have many meetings with management to try to resolve the situation, but with each meeting, it became more obvious to me that it was just a bad fit. So the end of November, I tendered my resignation, and have rarely been so relieved to leave a place.

There are so many feelings associated with my time in IN, and I am grateful for them all. I made some friends that are like family to me, that I know will always be there for me (and I hope they know I will always be there for them). There are some friends that (I don't know who they are) who have been nice to my face, but have gone behind my back on some things - and although I do not appreciate their actions, I hope they know that I believe that they have done what they felt they had to do. I am disappointed that they didn't feel that they could talk to me, and couldn't see that the anger and hurt I expressed was not directed at them, but I do not blame them. I have found that a lot of times people engage (often unaware) in passive-aggressive behavior because they do not have the skills in the moment for face-to-face confrontation, which is never easy.

There were situations that hurt me, and I did not handle some of them well. I have apologized multiple times, both publicly and privately, and feel I have done all that is in my power to make it right (and the others involved have not spoken to me about it, so I do not know what else I can do). Whether they forgive me or not, I hope they know that I am sorry for what happened, and harbor them no ill will.

During my time in IN and immediately following, I helped to produce 2 more productions of "Eleven Reflections on September" - one in Knoxville, TN, and another in Tampa, FL. Both were exceptionally well received, and we are hopeful that funding will continue and allow us to keep touring the production.

Which brings me to the current time - I am still in Tampa, until at least mid-January 2012, housesitting for some friends. I have to say, I adore being in a warm climate during the cold months! For the first time, the seasonal depression isn't debilitating me, and I actually enjoy getting out for a 1-2 mile walk every morning.

I have my bayberry candle to light at midnight with my intention for the year, and champagne to welcome the new year. As I look back on the roller coaster that was 2011, I find myself deeply grateful - for new friends, and all the challenges that I have had that continue to refine the person I want to become. For like children, the best way to learn is to sometimes fall on our faces - so I am grateful for the falls I have taken this year, and look forward to all that 2012 will bring.

Blessings to all from the field of all possibilities. Happy New Year.