sharing joy and sorrows

When I got back to MA from "Menopause the Musical", I *thought* I would have 3 weeks to rest, relax, and gently catch up with friends and myself - I could not have been more wrong! I haven't stopped! I have had the chance to catch up with folks I haven't seen in forever, designed the lights for a dance concert, and interviewed for 4 jobs and even saw a couple of apartments, "just in case." But most of all, I have celebrated. Two of my dear friends had graduations this spring. The first shout-out goes to Bette, who received her MA in History from UMass-Amherst last weekend. We've known each other almost 9 years, and it has been amazing to watch her hold true to her goals and dreams and overcome several challenges to reach this point. You go, girl!! The second shout-out goes to one of my two best friends, Jen. I had the honor of being invited and able to attend her commencement at she received her Doctor of Veterinary medicine from the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts Univesity in Grafton, MA - the only Veterinary school in New England. Everyone knows that becoming a vet is big - huge. But this is really, REALLY huge. I met Jen just about 10 years ago in a pottery class, and we became immediate best friends - and have been there ever since. We've been through relationship joys and woes together, virtually held each others hand when one was driving across the country and realized what she was doing and freaked out. We've loved, laughed, cried, and been there for each other. I've sat through "class" in her dining room as she "taught" me about organic chemistry (at least I think that's what it was, I never was completely sure!), caused a roomful of people to give me very strange looks as I burst out laughing at random texts she would send me during class (such as, "Cool! Kangaroos have TWO uteruses!"), and even did an emergency hypnosis session on the phone to help her calm down to be able to finish studying for a test that had her freaked. It made me and her friend Clint laugh yesterday when the Dean acknowledged all the "important people our graduates would not have made it through this without" - parents, children, grandparents and siblings - he and I turned to each other and said, "I guess friends don't count!" :) I am happy to be the silent, unsung supporter of someone like Jen. This amazing, sparkling, talented,gifted person with a heart bigger than Texas. The world is a brighter place for her being here, and wherever she chooses to set up her practice will never truly know how blessed they are and how fortunate their animals will be. I am so proud of this sister of my heart. In all the joy of being at Tufts yesterday, I won't say that there wasn't some sadness, too. I couldn't help but think of my friend, Josh, who you may recall my telling you in an previous post died earlier this year. Looking at all these bright, shiny, new Vets, I couldn't help but think about how that should have been him in a year. Several times during the day I found myself overflowing with emotion - both joy in seeing Jen reach this milestone and in being able to be here for it, and sorrow for knowing that Josh's family will not get to participate in this particular ritual. I find it fascinating how uncomfortable our society is with tears. Another of Jen's guests, every time she happened to see me cry, felt the need to tell me I "must" think and feel a particular way about what was going on. I appreciated that she was trying to help, so I didn't say anything - but if I can, please let me take a moment to help you know what to do in that kind of situation. First (as was the case here), if you don't know the person very well, please DO NOT tell them what to think and feel (ie, "You need to be happy! Think about how happy you are! You shouldn't be crying! You're not sad!") - it is their experience, and they have the right to experience it in their own way (not to mention, you're ASSuming that because they are crying they are sad). Think for a moment - they may not want you drawing attention to their tears (I know I didn't). If it makes you uncomfortable and you don't know what to say, don't say anything. I'm sorry if it does make you uncomfortable - but it really isn't your place to tell me to stop feeling what I am feeling. If anything, a simple "Are you okay?" would be much more appropriate and appreciated. Tears are good. They release emotion that if it is kept inside, will cause damage both emotionally and physically. It is okay to cry, to be emotional. I still have great tears of joy when I think about the fact that Jen is now DOCTOR Jen! I am thrilled beyond words about this. And I will probably always have tears of sorrow for the fact that Josh didn't realize this particular dream. One of my favorite moments in church is when they invite people forward to share joys and sorrows. Since I missed church yesterday, thanks for letting me share. :)

Playing Catch-up

So would you think me crazy if I said that the re-do of the Blogger site so that you can't just log on and make a new post makes me think I'm being punished for not writing for so long? :) So a lot of folks have been asking about my experience with "Menopause the Musical" - the long and the short, is that it was FANTASTIC!!! Sure, there were some challenges and a lot of learning curves, but overall, I learned a tremendous amount, got to see some phenomenally beautiful theatres (if you find yourself in Rockford, IL, do yourself a favor and go see the Coronado Theatre - you will thank me!), met some wonderful people, and have some priceless memories. Not the least of which was getting to hang out with my friend, Gary DeMumbrum, from Indiana. I will try and get some pics up from the tour over the next few weeks, but at least wanted to let you know where I am and what is coming up. Next on the agenda is the Castleton Music Festival in Castleton, VA, where I will be the Master Electrician. After that, I will be driving to Louisiana and Texas to visit friends (and the Alamo!), then off to New Mexico to kidnap my mom - is it kidnapping if she knows about it and agrees to go with me? When mom and I hit the road, we're going to Vegas for a few days to take in some shows and see some of my friends, then off to Utah to visit family and go my dad's side of the family reunion - something I haven't done in almost 20 years! After I drop mom off back in New Mexico, I head to North Dakota to see the Crazy Horse memorial, Mount Rushmore, the Corn Palace, and Wall Drug. Then if there is time, down to Indiana to see some friends before I head back to New England. I'm waiting to hear on a possible job offer, so that will determine my time frame for the driving this summer. Needless to say, I'm both excited and tired! :)

impacting the world

I've been putting off writing my blog, because I have been wanting to write about my friend, Josh. Yes, I have cool adventure stories to tell from the "Menopause" road, but tonight I want to honor my friend. Maybe it is the full moon, and the convergence of two major holidays this weekend, Passover and Easter that makes me feel it is finally time to write this story.

Back in February, just before Valentine's Day, I got word that one of my friends that used to work with me at UMass as a student had died. I was distraught, and like so many others, desperate to find out what happened. Among ourselves, we conjectured about how this possibly could have happened. Was it a car accident, a result of the winter weather, perhaps even a hate crime? He was studying to become a vet in Edinburgh, Scotland, and was halfway through his studies - being so far away, we had no idea what could have happened.

What was farthest from anyone's thoughts was that it would be suicide. Of all the thousands of people I have met in my life, Josh is one of the handful that I know that truly embraced life. He loved and laughed totally and completely. When you had his attention, you felt like the most important person in the world.

In all honesty, I think Josh was more important to me than I to him - and that is okay. I make friends with many of the students that come through the FAC and work to help support themselves. Some I become very close to, and some just become dear to me. Josh and I were friends, but I really don't think he ever realized just how dear he became to me. And it wasn't just because of his contagious smile and laugh, or his passion and zeal for his life and complete joy in following his chosen field. Josh loved animals, and anyone who knew him never doubted for a moment that he would make an amazing large animal vet.

Much of the affection I came to feel for Josh was a result of watching the man he was becoming. I saw a leader, someone who took the time to help his coworkers understand the job they were learning to perform, who had infinite patience to teach (although much less patience when informed that he was overstepping boundaries and doing someone else's job! *grin*). I saw him as a "big brother" - I will never forget when I was working a production with Amherst Leisure Services and he brought his "little brother" to see the show, and respectfully asked if he could bring him backstage. I gave them a tour of the show, and invited Josh to take him to see where the front of house lights were hung (a place few people see), and the little brother was delighted. I was so impressed with Josh's generosity with this young man, and his respect for my position as the stagehand on duty.

After Josh left UMass, we kept touch on Facebook, emailing very occasionally. I would check his page now and again, more often than not laughing at his escapades at vet school in Scotland. He was exactly where he wanted to be, doing exactly what he wanted to be doing - all was right in the world. Until it came crashing down. The night I heard Josh died, I was in total disbelief. I sobbed myself to sleep, and slept fitfully. For days anything would send me into tears (and I even had friends call to check on me "because I know how you are" - thanks, Stephen and Lucas!). I was inconsolable, at a loss to understand how someone so incredibly strong and vibrant could really be gone.

Then I finally found out the how - it was suicide. He hung himself. To be honest, this knowledge stuns me even more than the fact that Josh is gone. It actually scares me, knowing how engaged in his passion Josh was. It is terrifying to think that if someone that connected can slip away, what is it that keeps everyone else here? I mean, it is the things that give us joy - like pursuing our life's dreams and passions - that make us want to continue to go forward in this life. It always seems more tenuous a hold for those who either have given up their dreams, refuse to have the courage to follow them, or never found what they were. I know that at times I have struggled with depression in my life, and fought to find things to hold to and keep me going. The thought of someone like Josh letting go - that rocks me to my core.

It makes me wonder if Josh ever really knew the number of people he impacted during his time in this world. To read the tributes on his facebook page are humbling - so many people loved and were touched by this incredible young man. I wonder sometimes what the turnout will be at my funeral. Will there be people who think I made a difference in their lives?

I vowed a long time ago to tell people how I feel about them. This experience has made me even more committed to that. I want the people I love to know that I love them while they are still here to enjoy it.

And to you, Josh - when I see you in my mind, you will always be with me that Sunday afternoon at the Hadley farm, sitting in the dirt in the goat pen, with the triplet goats Harry, Ron, and Hermione playing "king of the mountan" on your back - and the hugest grin on your face...

Entering Menopause

Ever since I accepted the position with "Menopause the Musical", it feels like "insert joke here _____." In a good way. This is so exciting - my first major national tour, something I have been dreaming about since I was 16 - and just today realized it is coming true.

In addition to being a major national tour, it is a really cool show. Everyone I tell that I am going with this particular production gets really excited - even non-theatre people are jealous, because it is is this show!

I won't say I'm not nervous, however - I feel like the new kid starting school in the middle of the school year - joining an existing cast and crew that are already really tight. The one calming factor is that my friend, Gary, who I worked with in Indiana, will be the one training me in my job. I have every belief that if he a) didn't think I could do it, he would have said something and they would not have hired me and b) he knows and loves me - if he says everyone else will too, I believe him. :)

I have been excited about parts of my journey so far this year, but something just feels so incredibly "right" about this - I really can't wait to get on the plane in the morning. The bags are packed except for a couple things I need in the morning, and I'm raring to go! :)

a lifetime in six weeks

Wow - I've been saying for a while that I need to update my blog - I can't believe the last post was just over a month ago! It seems like forever, and that I've lived a lifetime in the past six weeks.

It took me a the better part of a day to get out of Florida - I just didn't want to leave! I ended up climbing the 2nd tallest lighthouse in the U.S., drove through Daytona Beach, and bought a bag of oranges you can only get in Florida (oooh, yummy!).

Over the next few days I drove through Georgia, South Dakota, North Dakota, and Virginia. Among other things, I saw a submarine that looked like it was surfacing out of the ground, a one-footed bird, a 25' tall can of 7-up, a 30' mailbox painted like a cow, a 10' roller skate, the world's largest frying pan, the world's largest tire, and the smallest church in America. Needless to say, I had the time of my life driving up the coast!

I stopped in the DC area for 3 days, spending the first night with my old friend, Meredith - we haven't seen each other in years, and I will plan better next time and be able to spend more time with her, Lucky, and Peggy. The next couple nights were spent in the Baltimore area with my friend, Howie, and his lovely new wife, Patty. Patty and I are like sisters now, and I can't wait to go back and visit. I'm so happy for them both. While in the area I also had the delight of visiting my magical friend, Alain, meeting his daughter, and getting to know him better. Yay for visiting with friends!

I went to the Holocaust museum - both because I have wanted to for years, and also to do research for my book. I wish I had planned better and given myself about 5 more hours to be there. When I was leaving, there was a school group ahead of me - and I didn't have a chance to talk with the Holocaust survivors that were kind enough to donate their time. I really want to get back there soon. So much was haunting and moving about the experience - but the few things that affected me the most - the list of the towns that are no more, inscribed in 1" letters in the windows of one of the walkways - the sheer volume of space used begins to put the huge numbers into perspective. Next was the railcar - I got to stand in the middle of the car used to transport people to the camps - it would have felt cramped with 25 people in it, and they crammed on average 100 people at a time into each car. And oddly, the huge photograph of the stacks of hair that had been shaved off women's heads to be sold for pillow stuffing and other projects. I don't understand why, but that photograph almost disturbed me more than anything else I saw that day.

Then it was onward North again, to visit with friends and see their lovely growing family, have dinner with my dear friend, Bobby, just outside of NYC, and then to spend a couple nights in Bridgeport, with my good friend, Nate. I interviewed at ARS Nova in NYC (literally next door to where they film the Colbert Report!), and really enjoyed being back in NYC again after missing it for so many months. I also discovered that there is a Catholic church in Bridgeport, CT that has gardens designed after the Vatican - very pretty, with lots of nice statues.

Going through CT I saw the world's tallest elevator (in a building with no windows!), and visited with Dana & Dorrie in West Hartford. Finally I have landed back in Western MA, staying with friends and doing some housesitting. I've been able to take in some good theatre, and am enjoying being back among friends and catching up with folks I haven't seen in a while.

It has firmed up that March 27-April 28 I will be touring with "Menopause the Musical" on a 5-week midwest tour - after that, not sure exactly what's happening.

And so the adventure continues.... :)

aaaand we're off (again)!! :)

Wow - I can't believe how fast the past month has gone, and that it is time to hit the road again. It is exciting, though, and a lot of things seem to be happening at once.

And yes, in case you were wondering - The Wizarding World of Harry Potter was incredible. It was Hogsmeade Village come to life, and the ride in the castle was both terrifying and exhilarating. I had an amazing time, and am grateful to have also re-connected with a friend from UMass and got to know her better.

Spending time with my friends in Orlando has been precious. I feel so blessed for the time and space to rest, refocus, and just have fun.

Today begins the road journey again. I'm splurging and getting a massage, then heading up North. My first destination is South of the Border, to take some fun pics. Then to Baltimore to stay with some friends for a couple days and visit the Holocaust Museum. Then back to MA, to figure out the next step.

I've been interviewing with some tours (still haven't heard from IL yet) - may be working with "Menopause the Musical", "Ballet Hispanico" or some as yet unknown entity.

It's a tad nervewracking, but all very exciting.

We're off!!!! :)

I'm going to Hogwarts!!

Tonight is my last night in Tampa. I'm already 85% packed, and finishing up errand-running. I had a lovely evening at Sacred Grounds Coffee Shop (some of the best coffee ever - MUST go when you are in the Tampa area) having coffee, gourmet pizza, and listening to some great work-in-progress standup comedy.

While sipping my coffee, I got to thinking about the fact I haven't been sleeping very well lately, and wondering why. I know part of it is stress - okay, most of it is likely stress - not knowing where the road will take me. Over the past couple weeks, I've probably sent out about 40 resumes, and had a couple of interviews. I know something is coming and I will go where I am meant to be, but even with faith in hand, it is stressful and kinda scary to be standing on the edge of a cliff and not knowing what will catch you or when.

But I am also VERY excited. Excited to be heading up to Orlando for a few days to see some friends, and going to Disney's Wild Kingdom on Sunday and Hogwarts on Monday. Then I head to Baltimore to see friends I haven't seen in years - and if I don't have a job offer by then, most likely heading back to Massachusetts.

It will be wonderful to see the folks I love in MA, but I have to admit, part of it feels like moving back into mom's house because I didn't make it in the world. I know that isn't true, but I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't admit it.

But mostly I'm excited. :)