Endings and Beginnings

First off, happy 2011 everyone! :)

There seems to be a lot of confusion surrounding the changes that I am making, so let me summarize before I dive into the topic of the day....

In December, I was offered a job with Jersey Shore Entertainment (no, they are NOT connected to the tv show!) to be the Production Stage Manager at the El Dorado Hotel and Casino in Reno, NV for "The Buddy Holly Story". I am leaving Saturday, 1/8/11 to NYC for a week for rehearsals, then fly to Reno on Jan 14 to open the show on Jan 23.

After "Buddy", I will return to Western Mass for a week and a half to design the Emerging Choreographers Dance concert at Hampshire College, then on April 15, fly to Minneapolis, MN, so work with my dear friend, Andrea Assaf, on a new piece of work for the Pangea World Festival.

After that, I am not sure yet where I will be heading. I love traveling, and am very excited about the opportunities that are opening up for me - but because I will likely be on the road for the next 6 months to possibly 2 years (or more), I realized that it doesn't really make sense for me to keep my apartment (that has black mould, and I really needed to move anyway) - so I made the choice to give it up, and also realized that I needed to find a more permanent, stable home for my two cats, Chloe and Jenny. Giving up the girls was devastating, and hands down the hardest thing I have ever done. I know they are in the best possible place (I wouldn't have placed them there if I didn't believe it! They are with friends who are the parents of dear friends), and I know they will be loved as spoiled as is their due. But it is still hard, and my life, house, bed, and heart all immensely feel their absence.

The other hard part to get my head around is that I won't be living in my apartment anymore. As I said above, there is a mould issue, and I am certain it has been contributing to my ongoing health and depression issues. But the fact remains that this has been my first "real" home - the only one I have ever really known - and even though 97% of my stuff is now gone (it went to the storage unit today), it still seems impossible that my home isn't my home anymore. And it is a truly bizarre feeling to be moving but not moving - in other words, I don't have the exciting new place to go putter in when I finish here for the night - weird.

Now don't get me wrong - so many folks are wicked excited for me, and seem happy that I keep this blog, so they can, in a sense, run away with me (a few have even admitted to being a little jealous!) - and I am truly grateful for your enthusiasm and support. And I am truly excited about beginning this next, amazing phase of my life.

However, I wouldn't be being fair or honest with myself if I didn't take some time to process and feel the full range of what I am going through. Excitement - check. Nervous fear - check. Abject grief - check. Sad - check.

Because no matter how exciting the next steps are, these changes are HUGE. Giving up my kids, my home, my entire life to step into the field of all possibility - not exactly where I pictured my life being at this age. I honestly thought I would be married, with a couple kids, house, dog, cats, and a stable job - not putting my life into a storage unit and leaping into the great unknown, single but not really alone (love you all!).

So I allow myself to be sad (and yes, I even indulge in some "not great" comfort food and don't beat myself up about it). When the grief and missing my cats hit, or I get overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of what I am doing, I let the feelings come. I stop, I cry, I feel, I go on. The main thing is that I don't try to slap a happy face on it and say that it is all okay - because it isn't. It isn't bad, but it is scary, it is hard, and it is emotional.

That is why I ask folks who try to tell me "oh, it's for the best that _____ is happening" - I KNOW that, or I wouldn't be doing it. Unfortunately, in our culture, people are uncomfortable with expressions of emotion, especially grief, and they immediately try to jump to making you feel better. I am not wallowing, and I am not being stuck - but I am honoring my journey, which includes my grief.

So there are days when (like when I dropped off the cats) that I post about how sad I am and how hard this is - and I ignore the folks that try to cheer me up, and embrace the ones that just send hugs and love - because what I need and want right now are hugs and love. I know I am taking the right steps for both me and my cats, that we are all on the path to being where and what we are meant to be - but in this moment, the grief waves are hitting hard and fast, and I sit and cry as I type, I let myself ride the wave as the tears flow, I fully feel how much I miss my cats, and how much I will miss this quirly little apartment in this funky little town. Then I blow my nose, and I go back to work cleaning off my desk and packing up the last of the stuff, hopefully to finish most if not all of my to-do list tonight.

Happy New Year - and next update from the road of all possibilities! :D