preparing to leap

When one begins a major shift, there are certain things you expect - for instance, you expect the chaos of not being able to find anything as your life goes into boxes for a move.

What you don't expect, are the ways that things, people, ideas often leave your life at the same time. When you firmly agree to the changes, energetic shifts happen around you. The most common for us to try to hang on to are relationships. When we are clearing the way for new, older things that do not serve us anymore leave. I know that I am guilty of trying to hold onto relationships past their "expiration date". In fact, someone once said to me that "...for you to let go of someone, that relationship has to be deader than roadkill by an 18-wheeler" - and this week, I have realized that phrase is true - and I want to change it.

I want to change it because I realize that by trying to hold on to relationships that are not working, is a way of not respecting myself. Yes, I care for someone and I want to be there for them - but if they are not willing to give me the same consideration and respect, I am giving them all the power and not caring for myself.

Some relationships end by attrition, you just sort've fall out of touch - some are not so clear. For example, the guy I was dating last summer, I thought we were in a good place and on our way to becoming just really good friends, based on how it was when I saw him a couple weeks ago - then, inexplicably, he cuts me out of his life without warning. I am infinitely sad and very disappointed, but I realize that a relationship takes two people - and his reasons are his own.

Others leave through moving into different places in life - two of my good friends are either now engaged or on the verge of becoming engaged. I am sad that it seems to mean the end of our friendship, but am blissfully happy that they have found the right relationship for themselves. I find it sad when folks seem to think it is mutually exclusive to have friends or relationships - but again, my job is just to let go, because I can't know what is in someone else's heart.

The greatest misery in life seems to come from insisting that life is other than what it is. Change cannot happen as long as you insist on holding onto something that is no longer meant to be here. And the Universe tends to tell me: "You're on a need to know basis, and you don't need to know."

So all I know is that in this moment, it is really hard to let go. Of the only real home of my own I've ever known, of my "kitty kids", and especially of people I love - especially those that I don't understand why they are leaving. The hardest part is the letting go - and leaping into the unknown.

Student says to Zen Master: "Master, why is it so hard to let go?"
Master replies: "My child, letting go is simple. You merely open your hand. Why are you trying so hard to hold on?"