the power of affirmation

I've realized the past couple weeks how powerful it is to be acknowledged and affirmed.

There have been some really challenging moments getting this show off the ground and running. Some have been clashes between my style of working and other people's, some have involved learning to not let myself get drawn into others' issues (really hard when they're yelling at you at the top of their lungs in front of a roomful of people), and doing work that few others see.

I have joked for years that "if I do my job right, no one knows I exist" - which is really actually true - and I realize that sometimes it is really hard when no one knows (or notices) how hard I work and what a good job I do sometimes.

I remember just before the show opened - the director was meeting with the cast, and asked them to give a big round of applause to all the hard-working crew - the TD who built the set, the set designer, the painter, the lighting designer, the costume folk, the deckhands - then he happened to turn and see me and added as an afterthought - "oh, um, and Kat". At that point, I'd been working my butt off for 14 hours a day for the past week to help get everything together. I didn't think much of it at the time.

But I have been thinking about it over the past few days. There has been a feeling of disconnect between myself and the cast - it seems that the only time they notice I exist is when they want something. For the most part it isn't a big deal, as I know I have very different approach to life - for instance, I like to get up early and take walks and exercise in the mornings (early meaning 9am) - they like to go out to the bar until 3 am after the show (I am not, never have been, and likely never will be a regular bar person). I like finding little places to walk to and meditate, and sit and read in my new favorite coffee place - and it's all good.

I also realized that I never stated some clear boundaries the other day, when I got yelled at by one of the performers because he wanted to be let into the instrument storage at 3:45pm in the afternoon (since the show wasn't until 8pm I wasn't planning to be in the space until after 5:30pm), and I was taking a nap at my apartment. So I sent out an email to the group, saying that, like them, until just before showtime, I am rarely in the space, and unless something is urgent, I likely won't address it until I am in my office. That they can feel free to text or call if it is urgent, but to please keep in mind that I have a life here too.

I met with my life coach this past Saturday, and he commented the he heard only "disdain, derision, and condescention" in my email to the cast. I was a tad crestfallen, as I felt I had taken a huge step in setting some boundaries. Looking at it now I think both statements may be correct.

The point here is that no, it isn't perfect - and I am choosing to see my time here as a great cauldron of learning time. They are bringing me the lessons I really need to learn right now - personally and professionally. Professionally - reminders about how to do this kind of stage management work. Personally - about perspective, compassion, and how to talk to others. And, in many ways, how to validate myself.

I realized Saturday evening after the 2nd show that I work to use a lot of "please/thank you" when I talk to my crew, at the end of every show I thank them for a job well done, and I say something when I see them do something exceptionally well. I don't know how they feel about me, but I mean it when I tell them that they are an excellent crew, and that I am glad I have them.

This past week I have been feeling the fact that I am thousands of miles from my home, I miss my friends, I miss my cats, and I miss having someone to talk to. I eat most meals alone with my book, and I spend a lot of time by myself outside of work. I have been both homesick and very, very lonely - and not just a little feeling sorry for myself. It hit me that I feel very taken for granted with this company, and that no one seems to appreciate how hard I am working.

I decided to go to church on Sunday morning, even though I didn't want to. I am so glad I did. I'm not sure what changed, but halfway through the service, I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - I do a damned good job, and I know it. I appreciate others when they do a good job, and I let them know that I appreciate them. My natural state is one of joy, and life is to darn short to be miserable - so it really doesn't matter if they like me, talk to me, or respect me - because I do give these things to myself. In fact, I am HAPPY to see them all, because it means they are bringing the lessons I most need to learn right now - and it really doesn't matter how they see me.

I am going to do just fine - because I already am.