and so it begins...

I received the contract for the tour on Friday, 17 December. Wow - it's really real, and it's really happening.

Here's the schedule through May: Jan 8-13, rehears "Buddy...The Buddy Holly Story" in NYC (I'll be the Production Manager), Jan 14-April 3, run "Buddy" in the El Dorado Casino/Hotel in Reno, NV. April 4-April 14, design and tech the ECS Dance Concert at Hampshire College, April 15-May 2, coordinate all technical/design elements for a new piece of work that is premiering at the Pangea World Festival in Minneapolis, MN. And by the time Pangea is over, hopefully I'll have an offer for summer work or a permanent job. Although the company I'm going to Reno with is already saying we want to talk about future tours and possible lighting design.

I've given my landlord 30 days' notice, I've told the Fine Arts Center that I'll see them in May for the end of the semester, and I have 2 people I am talking to about my cats. I wish I had more options for the girls, but I know the right place will manifest. I've even bought probably 90% of what I need for the tour, including a brand-new, bright red large suitcase. (I had no idea decent luggage was so ridiculously expensive!)

I will be in NYC in rehearsal in exactly 3 weeks from today, yet I still can't get my head around the fact that this is really happening. I'm joyously excited, yet terrified at the same time - I had no idea these two feelings could exist simultaneously.

Talk about taking a leap - I am becoming intentionally homeless, virtually moving in with my best friend (thanks, Bren!) to keep a MA home base, and putting 95% of my stuff into storage. But can I tell you how grateful I am for the purge I did over the summer so that I don't have that to deal with! I guess it is true - if you want to make major change in your life, clean your house and get rid of stuff! :)

Of course, the hardest part of all of this is my cats - I never dreamed I would ever, in a million years, be in a place of finding a home for my "kids". But I know that this opportunity is the best thing for me. I have been craving being back on the road, and I know this will open doors for me. And I also know that it is no life for my cats, to essentially be alone for weeks at a time. They are loving, social creatures, and need to be in a place where they will have someone to look after them in all the ways I just can't right now. Does it break my heart? Absolutely - I am devastated and every time I think of not waking up with them cuddling me, I burst into tears - I don't think I've cried this much since Sam & Dash died 3 years ago.

One of the things that has helped is something my Coach pointed out to me (thanks, Aaron!) - that I pledged to care for them for the rest of their lives. By admitting that I cannot care for them in the ways they need and deserve and finding someone who can, I am honoring my promise to them. It still hurts like crazy, but I do feel more peace around the decision.

So the next 3 weeks are going to be a blur of furious activity - finishing going through papers so I don't pay to move stuff that will be thrown out, packing what goes with me, what goes into deep storage, and what needs to be easily accessible in case it needs to be sent to me. And finding time to spend time with friends who want to see me before I go.

Wow - this is really happening....

Limbo Loose Ends

So here's the update: I accepted the job with Jersey City Productions (no, no relation to the tv show!). I am awaiting the contract, so that it is signed and a done deal - I know it is going to happen, but I don't want to give my landlord notice until I actually have the set-in-stone signed contract in hand.

I am finishing up the cleaning/organizing/purging that still needs to be done, so I can hopefully avoid packing/transporting anything that doesn't need to go with me.

The hardest part is now finding a home for my two beautiful girls. They are loving, cuddly, and very sweet. Chloe is 3, Jenny is 2, and they are in perfect health. Chloe can be a little skittish at times - I became her 4th home in her first year of life.

By the end of this week, I will be well on my way...

Faith pays off...

They say that every 7 years, every cell in your body has been replaced - which essentially means, I suppose, that you are a whole new person every 7 years. So I find that rather appropriate, as I am now committed to the next step of my journey.

Those of you who have been following this blog from the beginning know what a year of transition this has been - and mostly one of exploring being in limbo. I have found that when you really allow yourself to be where you are, you really get to know yourself, and learn what you want.

I was willing to take the Electrics job at CalArts because it was a) stable, b) would give me some great experience. In other words, to be a stepping-stone rather than what I really wanted. I was willing to take it because I thought it would help me get to where I want to be, but knew I wouldn't want to be there long-term.

Then I had a tour dropped in my lap a couple days ago. It made me face the fact that the CalArts job isn't what I really want, but is merely a stepping stone. So when they told me they decided to go with someone else, it was actually a bit of a relief. Because I knew in my core that I really wanted the tour, as it is doing what I really love to do - being a Production Stage Manager. And it will have opportunities to travel, do different things, and I may even get to be a lighting designer for them. Woo hoo!!! :D

Following on the decision to take the tour, I have made the very difficult decision to give up my apartment. I know I will be on the road at least 5 months (from Jan 8 - early May), with a strong likelihood of even longer - I'm pretty confident I'll get a seasonal summer job somewhere, if not another tour.

That brings a whole host of other questions and decisions - where to store my stuff, where will I land ultimately, and most importantly, what will happen to my 2 beautiful cats? This last question is the one I am most concerned about. I need to find a safe, loving place for them - possibly as fosters, probably as a permanent home. It breaks my heart to do it, but I really think it will be best for them - they deserve stability in their lives. And yeah, I think this issue is most likely the one that has me up all night tonight - they can tell I am upset, as they've been laying on me in bed more than they usually do (usually they lay next to me, not ON me).

So 2011 is off to a bang-up start, and it isn't even here yet! This is the first time I have had work coming in in January, and it feels like the beginning of some amazing journeys.

Here's to the next leap! :)

Standing in the place of Faith

The Limbo continues. I finally heard from CalArts just over a week ago, apologizing for not being in touch, and saying they are still finishing up the interview process. He said that with luck, I will hear from them by the end of this next week.

I'm not sure now if the Limbo will continue, or if I'll be in Transition - i.e., moving to Los Angeles. I have decided that I really do want this job, and this opportunity to move forward.

I went to the latest production in the Theater Department at UMass-Amherst, my alma mater. It was great fun, and one of their better mainstage shows that I have seen. One of the ushers asked if I was attending because I knew someone in the cast - "No". "Oh. Do you work for the University?" "Yes, but I am attending because I am an alumna of the Department." "Oh. Okay." After this little exchange, I realized how small my life is here - I mean, I know it has been challenging to date as there really isn't a huge single population here, but that made me realize that it is time for me to "fly the nest." I did what I came here to do - get back on my feet, find a career, and finish my BA. It is time to move into the next phase.

So I put it out there to the Universe - I have decided what I want - if it be for my highest good, I would really like this job at CalArts - because although it isn't my dream job, I think I will find my dream job from there through all the networking I will be able to do. I know the weather will be much healthier for my emotional state, I will learn a lot, and there is a HUGE single population out there, with tons of meetup groups doing things I am interested in doing.

They say that if you focus on the what, the Universe will take care of the how - so I state the what: I want this job at CalArts and to move to Valencia, California - and I trust that the how will be revealed, and I'll be there by New Year's...

Living in Limbo

This is probably one of the hardest conditions to live under. Not knowing if you are coming or going, where the next paycheck is coming from, not sure if you have anything to look forward to anytime soon.

In my case, I don't know if I'm staying or going. It has made me reluctant to make long-term plans with anyone, loathe to date (I mean, why start a relationship if you think you might be leaving within the next few months?), and have for the most part felt like I have "disconnected" from so much around me in preparation for the fact I "might" be leaving.

This disconnection has created a genuine disconnect in my life - and it came crashing in on me on the Thanksgiving holiday. I have pulled back, everyone knows I have pulled back, and it created a very isolated, lonely, difficult holiday - you know, the one where you're standing outside knee-deep in snow, being pelted with freezing rain, starving, not wearing a coat, and looking through the window at everyone else warm, happy, having fun with people who love them. Not that I wasn't fine making my dinner of vegetarian chili and acorn squash, watching a marathon of "Charmed" on DVD and crocheting - but I really would have much rather been with people who love me.

I also lately can't seem to shake the feeling that the reason I'm not moving forward is that I haven't finished my "purge/clean/organize" campaign yet - I still have to finish my home office (the hardest part - I'd rather do the basement again!), and one box of stuff in the bedroom. It's like this one little bit of clutter/disorganization keeps me rooted and stuck.

Then again, it is symbolic of how I feel at the moment. I really want to release where I am and move forward into a full-time job in another part of the country (preferably warm, sunny, no snow and no humidity) - but when I really think about moving, it paralyzes me in some ways. I have lived in New England pretty much my entire adult life (since I was 21), and in the same apartment for over 7 years (the longest I have been anywhere since I moved out of my parents' house). I came to understand who I am here - I reinvented myself here - I became ME here. My best friends (okay, most of them - a couple are in Vegas and L.A.) are here. I am secure in the place where I work and I know it well (even if it isn't as consistent as I would like). The thought of starting over in a new place without really knowing anyone or anything is a lot more terrifying at 40 than it is at 20, believe me.

So I live in limbo - wanting to move forward, yet scared to leave. Trusting that what needs to happen will be revealed, and trying to do the footwork in front of me to allow it to happen - but in some ways, really not sure what I want to hope for.

Living in that place of not knowing created a paralysis - one I am now choosing not to engage in. I am living here while I am here. I am dating, taking work, making plans - with the understanding that if the right job in the right place comes along, I may have to say "I'm sorry, I have to back out on that commitment - my future is calling me now."

I am someone who doesn't like to not fulfill my commitments - so when I make them, I do so openly - saying that there is a possibility I may eventually move. But just for today, this is where I am, and I am happy to be here.

Failure is NOT an option

It really is amazing what can happen when you approach something with this particular attitude. I forget the exact quote, but I believe it was Napoleon who said something along the lines of: "I focus on the goal - the obstacles merely move aside." In other words, you focus on what you need to do, and somehow you find a way to do that.

I discovered this past week, that this is remarkably true. I had been hired to be the Lighting Designer for a dance concert. I knew there would be video used in the concert, so I would have to adjust for the projection. I knew there would be some level of technical coordinator work involved, as I would be in charge of the hang/focus of the lights - what I didn't expect, was to walk into the space and have everyone look at me and say "here are the keys, you tell us what to do" - for everything. There was no-one there who belonged to the space who knew how to get what I needed, so nearly 1/3 of what I needed showed up (after much begging), about an hour before we were supposed to start cueing (ie, setting the lighting) for the dance pieces. Needless to say, I ran a day over with tech, just getting it ready for cueing.

The deadline was fast approaching to cue the pieces - I still had 6-7 hours worth of work to do, and I was by myself (oh, did I mention that I had no experienced crew to do the hang/focus, and only 12 hours to put it all together when it would normally take about 30 hours?). I was on the verge of a breakdown - it was physically impossible for me to finish everything that needed to be done.

Note: the space I am working in is ridiculously badly laid out. A good third of the circuits needed overhead are nowhere near the area where they are actually needed, the dimmer box is a rats nest of cables that are hand-plugged, and the overhead grid are all illegal extention cords that are not rated for the kind of heat that the lights generate - it's rather scary, actually. And the scaffolding doesn't have a gate on it, so getting in and out is a scary adventure.

Fortunately, by the grace of God, I found out one of my stagehand friends got back a couple weeks early from England. When he heard what I was going through, he changed his plans for the day, and in 6 hours accomplished more than the inexperienced crew did in 12 (and fixed some of the things they did improperly and unsafely as well).

We started cueing 15 minutes late, finished late because it was the first time the dancers had been in the space (they didn't allow time for the dancers themselves to get used to being in a new place), but we got it done.

There were some sound issues that made us open the house a little late (fortunately, I am not in charge of sound *grin*), but we opened. Failure was not an option, and we found a way to make it happen.

When you refuse to make excuses, focus on your goal, you really do find a way to make it happen.

When failure is not an option, you learn how to make miracles happen. :)

Feel the fear...

One of my favorite quotes is: "Feel the fear and do it anyway." In fact, Susan Jeffers wrote a book by that name (perhaps that's where I got the quote?).

As you know, I have been in the process of working toward landing a job in my field for about a year now. It has been an exciting year - running away and joining the circus, taking the Calamari Sisters on a mini-tour, and two trips to California for 3 job interviews. I have had at least 15 or more phone interviews, and several in-person interviews from Holyoke, MA to San Francisco and Los Angeles. I have probably sent out over 200 resumes in the last year.

I have had a few friends remark how impressed they are at the initiative they see me take - sending out the resumes, going on the interviews, constantly trying to refine what I am doing to make myself more effective and attractive to potential employers. In the meantime, doing what I need to do to be ready to move forward and keep the bills paid in the meantime.

During the course of the past year, I have learned a few things - one, fear freezes people. When you let yourself get too caught up in your head, wondering about what will/won't/might happen, you don't take action. When you are afraid it might be a repeat of a past experience, you don't take action (very common with romantic relationships, I have found). However, I have also found (thanks to T. Harv Eker for the quote), that FEAR DOESN'T EXIST IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. When you are present where you are, you take action, and you cannot indulge the fear - because you are present.

I've also discovered that it is only when you REALLY want something, that you finally take the action to get it. We all say "I want to lose weight," "own my own business," "write a book," "have better relationships," etc. - but nothing changes because we don't take action - and most of the time we don't take action because we are afraid.

The secret isn't so difficult - feel the fear and do it anyway. Am I afraid I won't be able to pay my bills this month? Yes. Am I afraid I spent a ton of money I really don't have to go to California for these interviews and I won't get the job? Yes. Am I afraid I might actually get the job? Hell yes! What am I doing? Feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

Remember - NOTHING WILL CHANGE AS LONG AS YOU ARE FEELING COMFORTABLE. Change happens on the edge of the comfort zone, when you just don't know what can/might/will happen.

You have to let go of where you are in order to become what you want. In other words, you have to get out of the chair you are sitting in if you want to dance with your partner.

Yes, I really did say that I am terrified I might get what I want - I think that holds more people back than anything else - because if you get what you want, then what? No more excuses - you HAVE to move to the next level! And yes, that can be wicked scary.

But you know what? Feel the fear and do it anyway - and everything becomes possible.