Living in Limbo

This is probably one of the hardest conditions to live under. Not knowing if you are coming or going, where the next paycheck is coming from, not sure if you have anything to look forward to anytime soon.

In my case, I don't know if I'm staying or going. It has made me reluctant to make long-term plans with anyone, loathe to date (I mean, why start a relationship if you think you might be leaving within the next few months?), and have for the most part felt like I have "disconnected" from so much around me in preparation for the fact I "might" be leaving.

This disconnection has created a genuine disconnect in my life - and it came crashing in on me on the Thanksgiving holiday. I have pulled back, everyone knows I have pulled back, and it created a very isolated, lonely, difficult holiday - you know, the one where you're standing outside knee-deep in snow, being pelted with freezing rain, starving, not wearing a coat, and looking through the window at everyone else warm, happy, having fun with people who love them. Not that I wasn't fine making my dinner of vegetarian chili and acorn squash, watching a marathon of "Charmed" on DVD and crocheting - but I really would have much rather been with people who love me.

I also lately can't seem to shake the feeling that the reason I'm not moving forward is that I haven't finished my "purge/clean/organize" campaign yet - I still have to finish my home office (the hardest part - I'd rather do the basement again!), and one box of stuff in the bedroom. It's like this one little bit of clutter/disorganization keeps me rooted and stuck.

Then again, it is symbolic of how I feel at the moment. I really want to release where I am and move forward into a full-time job in another part of the country (preferably warm, sunny, no snow and no humidity) - but when I really think about moving, it paralyzes me in some ways. I have lived in New England pretty much my entire adult life (since I was 21), and in the same apartment for over 7 years (the longest I have been anywhere since I moved out of my parents' house). I came to understand who I am here - I reinvented myself here - I became ME here. My best friends (okay, most of them - a couple are in Vegas and L.A.) are here. I am secure in the place where I work and I know it well (even if it isn't as consistent as I would like). The thought of starting over in a new place without really knowing anyone or anything is a lot more terrifying at 40 than it is at 20, believe me.

So I live in limbo - wanting to move forward, yet scared to leave. Trusting that what needs to happen will be revealed, and trying to do the footwork in front of me to allow it to happen - but in some ways, really not sure what I want to hope for.

Living in that place of not knowing created a paralysis - one I am now choosing not to engage in. I am living here while I am here. I am dating, taking work, making plans - with the understanding that if the right job in the right place comes along, I may have to say "I'm sorry, I have to back out on that commitment - my future is calling me now."

I am someone who doesn't like to not fulfill my commitments - so when I make them, I do so openly - saying that there is a possibility I may eventually move. But just for today, this is where I am, and I am happy to be here.