Visioning

There are two crucial steps to making change in your life - first, having a vision of what you want to make happen. Second, taking steps to make that happen. Okay, 3 things - the third being to KEEP TAKING THE STEPS! So often we work so hard, only to stop just before the finish line. I know I'm not the only one to "self-sabotage" myself this way. So what can be done about it?

First, stop making excuses. You are not responsible for everyone around you, and if something is genuinely important to you, you WILL find time to sit with yourself to get clear about it. This process can be combined with other things - for example, I really want to exercise more - and I find I do some of my best thinking when I'm walking.

One of the things I find extremely useful is to have someone to hold me accountable. Like with exercise - I am far more likely to actually do it on a regular basis if I know I have to meet someone, and far more likely to sleep in or get distracted by something else and blow it off if I am on my own.

It is also critical to not make promises that you do not intend to keep - especially to yourself. Most of us will kill ourselves to keep our word to someone else, but not think twice about keeping it to ourselves - however, not keeping our word to ourselves not only hurts us, but undermines our authenticity and reliability to others. It's like the adage: "If you can't love yourself, no one else can." ~ Therefore, "If you can't trust yourself, no one else can."

So you sit and create your vision - you know what your goal is. For example, mine at this time is to find a full-time job in Theater, 1) that I will enjoy and will challenge me and let me develop my design skills, and 2) preferably in a climate that I want to live in (go go Vegas or Los Angles!).

Along with knowing the goal, you have to be IN the vision. Not seeing yourself like in a movie, but actually IN the picture - looking through your eyes, feeling with your senses. Having been to both of these cities this year, it is really easy for me to BE there (I think my body still is - when it gets under 70 degrees here, I'm freezing!).

Next, is taking steps to achieve the goals. Every chance I get, I remind myself that where I am is where I am for now, and that it is a matter of time before I find where I am supposed to be (or will achieve my goal weight, etc etc). In other words, all you are is not where you are, unless you tell yourself it is.

Then, keep taking the steps - this is where I see most people (myself included) lose it. You start feeling good, you let things slide, or you think it is never going to happen. The fact of the matter is, things take time to gestate - they rarely happen overnight. As one of my mentors, James Arthur Ray puts it: "Would you walk up to a woman who is 4 months pregnant and say 'Well? Where is it? Where's the baby? Is this REALLY going to happen?' " Of course not! It is the same for everything else in life - it takes a particular amount of time to come into existence. Some things we just know how long they take (like babies), and others we don't (like finding the right job).

This is where having someone to "hold your feet to the fire" and keep you accountable comes in. Having to check in with someone makes you more likely to take consistent action. This can be in the form of a friend (like an exercise buddy), or in a more formal role like a therapist or Life Coach.

This is what started this whole vein/rant about visioning and accountability - yesterday I had an exploratory session with a Coach, to see if we want to work together. I like his style - he is honest, direct, doesn't pull punches, calls me on my stuff, points out where I am getting in my own way and not being accountable for something, and cheers when I finally get it. As he puts it, he is a "loving witness" - and sometimes truly loving includes "tough" love.

Working with this Coach is going to be hard, challenging, probably painful at times (I've already cried 3 times when talking to him), but powerful, transformative and wonderful. He sees my patterns, and holds me to the focus, and doesn't let me off the hook - in other words, he holds me accountable to what I want and need. He is a good match for me in this way, and it is both scary and wonderful to find someone who is your match. I am both terrified and excited to begin this part of my journey, and grateful to know that it won't be alone.

It is scary to step out into uncharted territory. We become very attached to our limitations and where we are - even if it isn't where we want to be - because it is familiar.

There is comfort in the familiar - but in order to get where you want to be, you MUST be willing to release where you are (ie, I'll let go of this doorknob in MA when I arrive in Los Angeles - it just won't work that way).

I'm releasing, and taking a leap...

People are funny....

So it's Labor Day Weekend, and I'm having a huge yard sale to get ready for my impending move - wherever that may be.

I had a few folks stop by today, and made about $106 all told - not bad! I need about another $170 to pay for the gas for the trip across the country (probably a little more, but we'll be optimistic).

My first customer today amused the hell out of me. She came by and wanted my large, blue, plastic Ikea bag and 2 VHS tapes - I figured a couple bucks each for the tapes and a $1 for the bag (it was a BIG bag). She pitched a fit, screaming that yard sales are supposed to be cheap, and how dare I ask so much. I offered to come down to $3, and she insisted that I was a horrible person and that she would have nothing to do with the tapes and only wanted the bag (I now wish I had refused to sell it to her)- I told her if she wanted to be that way, fine - no biggie to me, and continued to laugh at her the rest of the time she was here. She went next door to the stack of free stuff in front of the other building, found a piece she liked, and said that's the way it is supposed to be, and that she's a scavenger - to which I responded, "I noticed." The look she gave me was priceless, and I continued to laugh as she drove away.

I had another woman pitch a fit when I said I would start negotiations at $5 for a Pampered Chef product that retails for $20-$25, and had never been out of the box. She asked me to come down to $2, and I said that as it was early, no go. She said she'd be back at the end of the day to get it cheap. Later she came back with friends, and said she was coming back tomorrow at the end of the day to buy it for half - I said "Nah, for you, it will be doubled" and her friends laughed. They also overheard me tell someone about the earlier woman, and asked if it was their "cheap friend" I was talking about - too funny!

I only had one person ask if everything was free.

I tell you - people crack me up! :)

Holding the Vision

This is the hardest part - the waiting.

It is so easy to just say "relax and let it go" when it isn't you in the Hot Seat.

It's funny, I know I shouldn't feel abandoned, but a part of me does - before the interview, everyone was saying how they're pulling for me - and I really, really appreciate that. But now that it is over, a few folks have asked how it went (and I'm referring them here, because it is exhausting to tell the same story over and over and over again), but no-one is really saying that they're still holding me in their thoughts. Interesting...

It actually reminds me a little of when I was going through a breast cancer scare a few years back. The few folks I told about it were like "Wow, I'm sorry to hear that - keep me posted." - but no one wanted to stand with me in that in-between place. They want to know what is going on, and they want to know whether to commiserate or celebrate, but they don't know what to do or what to say when you don't know - and therefore do not talk to you.

I am equal parts excited and terrified to get this job. It seems like the farther away I get, the more I start second-guessing myself, wondering if I should have done some little thing differently during the interview. Hoping they'll call my references, because I know they'll say good things about me.

The idea of a cross-country move is overwhelming, but as I sit in the humidity of the Northeast, I realize yet again how "done" I am with New England weather. It is hot in California and the sun is intense, but I really like it better without the humidity.

I really want to call the girls whose place I looked at and tell them that I will take it - and I want to be living there by October 1...

Vision, hold faith, trust - repeat...

Standing in Faith

All the footwork that can be done has been. I brought my portfolio, I had the interview - I feel like I conducted myself well, and regardless of the outcome, I know I did my best.

That said, CalArt is one amazing place. The position would incorporate much of the work I'm already doing, with the added bonus of having a regular schedule. I have put things in motion at home to be able to move within 2 weeks of my return. I have been househunting while I am here, and have 2 possibilities.

I have done all that I can, now I must wait - and have faith, that if it is meant to happen, it will...

Readying the Next Step

I leave in 4 days for Los Angeles, to interview to be the next Assistant Technical Director for the Department of Dance at CalArts (www.calarts.edu). This is a school that was founded by Walt Disney, with the vision of a place for students to learn in a very individualized environment, with all the arts under one building. The result is a small, dedicated group of people, with a lot of cross-departmental work.

I'm very excited about this opportunity - not only would it let me grow in ways I cannot possibly see now, but it would mean getting out of the snow climate!!

There is so much to consider - do I want my own place, which would be expensive but my own, or do I want to share? If I share, for how long? Do I put my stuff in storage, sell it, or pay to move it? Would it be cheaper to replace things down the road rather than store it?

I'll know a lot more after Monday - I'm doing preliminary house hunting on Sunday, interviewing on Monday, and should know if I got the job on Wednesday or Thursday.

It feels right - I can really see myself out there, working in this environment. They seem excited about me.

Here's hoping... :)

Sometimes it is all about letting go...

Change is in the air. Everyone seems to be feeling it in some way. I ran into my PostalPerson today, who actually said "Change is good!" when she told me that due to health problems, she is no longer allowed a regular "carry" route.

I can feel the winds of change stirring about my feet. I know it is coming, I know I will be moving, shifting, embracing something new, and my spidey sense says it will be sooner rather than later.

I have no idea what it will be, but I am excited about the next phase. I realized today that although I love where I am and what I have been doing very much, in many ways I have hit the limit of what I can actually do here. At the Fine Arts Center, I am at the top of the pay scale as a freelancer, and although there is still groom to grow as a Lighting Designer with the 5-College Dance Program, there really isn't a whole lot else for me here as an artist. So I let go, release, and ask for the next step.

They say that you do not grow when you are comfortable - it's true - you really are only willing to change when you are not happy or uncomfortable, for most change is usually more about running away from pain rather than growth itself.

Letting go in and of itself is an interesting proposition. I really want to let go, live minimally, and be able to pick up and go as soon as they say "Yes, come here!" But the actual doing is something else. As much as I really want to clear the physical clutter in my life, it is hard to overcome the ovewhelm to actually do it. Getting ready for the tag sale I had earlier today, I ended up spending a good portion of the day yesterday on the computer, because I was so overwhelmed. I know I will get there, but sometimes I am only capable of baby steps.

A wise friend once said to me "You cannot judge your insides by other people's outsides" - good advice. You don't always know the chaos that others' tidy homes may hide... All I know in this moment, is that I feel good for all the things I released today, happy about the extra $70+ in my pocket, and more energized to have a much larger moving sale next weekend - it may be baby steps, but I think I will be a lot closer to being able to pick up and go when the time comes!

famine to feast

Tour to Rochester was interesting, and a good example of meeting people in person if you can, before you take a job sight unseen...

The job was somewhat good on paper - okay money, housing provided, diversity of work. However, the reality was a theater that was essentially paid community theater, folks who aren't allowed to do the job they are hired for (their job plus 6 others added as you go along), a micro-managing director who can be abusive and bi-polar, and no resources to really do what you want to accomplish and no future. A good learning position for someone right out of college, but not for an established professional.

The show itself was wonderful "Cooking with the Calamari Sister" - funny, entertaining, and wonderful. I can't wait to see the next installment!


Arriving home finally from 9 weeks on the road was interesting. It took a couple days before anything really felt familiar. The cats are glad I am home, and so am I. The first couple days back were all about nesting - cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry, and napping, catching up on much-needed rest.

Then the question of "next step" - where do I go from here? While on the Rochester tour, I spent a couple hours on trade websites, sending out my resume. Some came back and wanted more information, and 3 have interviewed me this week: ART in Boston, Oddfellows Playhouse in Middletown CT, and CalArts in Valencia CA. I also have the option of interviewing with a house in Delaware in mid-October, for a position beginning January 1st.

I had an in-person interview with Oddfellows, and fell in love with the theater. It is a sweet dedicated space, with a lot of potential to grow and learn - I even told them that if I don't work with them as Production Manager, I want to come back as a designer.

The position at CalArt is amazing. When I talked to them today, I realized it is a dream job - production management, technical direction, working with students, getting to explore and grow as an artist/designer, and I'd get to TEACH a course in production management every semester. Oh, joy - oh rapture!!!

Keeping everything I can think of crossed, in hopes this comes through...