First Dates and Job Interviews

More and more I think that job interviews are like dating. You get all pretty, in an attempt to put your best foot forward. You are anxious, hoping they will like you - at times almost feeling like the puppy in the window with the "pick me, oh please pick me" eyes. Especially if it is a job you really want.

This week I had the honor of interviewing at the Palladium (http://www.thecenterfortheperformingarts.org/) in Carmel, Indiana. It is an incredible facility, and I really liked the folks I met who work there. From the little I saw of the community, I can really see myself there.

But I have to admit, after the past couple months, it is a little scary to think about relocating again, to an area where I have no one I really know, and no friends.

Starting a new job reminds me so much of the first day of school - you go in with all your shiny new supplied and new clothes that mom wouldn't let you wear until school actually started, just KNOWING that this year will be different. That this year I'll make new friends, and people will like me - sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

Like dating, you never quite know what you're really getting into until you get into it. It seems wonderful, exciting, and exactly what you are looking for, a path into a whole new adventure in life. Then sometimes you get in there and discover that once you pass that seeming "point of no return", you're living with an active alcoholic who likes to be abusive at random times. It can be scary and really isolating - everyone around you just wants to see the pretty sparkly surface, and doesn't want to hear what may be beneath it. And those you try to get through to keep telling you "In this economy/At your age - you're best holding onto what you have - it's not as bad as you make it out to be." So maybe you stay, because you buy into that kind of scarcity thinking - or you stay because you just don't know what else to do.

Or maybe you let go of it all and step out into the great unknown, taking your chances. Maybe you end up with abuse, maybe you end up with dreams come true.

One thing is certain, however: nothing will change until you are willing to do something different.

Northern Nevada

Wow - I didn't realize it has been so long since I last posted! I should remedy that...

So a lot of folks have been asking what Reno and Northern Nevada is like. I can only offer my own insights here, but think it may be time to do so.

First of all, Reno is unique that it is a blend of both desert and mountains. It is dry, cold at night, and warmer during the day. It is wonderful to be back in the mountains again - and they are especially pretty with the snow on them. However, my body doesn't seem to like the altitude - I don't feel like I've been able to breathe properly since I got here. There is also a phenomenon called "Tahoe Throat" that has plagued all the performers, from Sinatra on down to my own cast. You always feel like you have something stuck in your throat, and seem to constantly be clearing it. Makes it real fun for singers.

The towns I've been in so far are Reno and Carson City. Both are smaller than you would imagine, and charming in their own way. Neither of them seems to understand the concept of clearing snow off sidewalks, however, which is dead annoying. The other really irritating thing about Reno is that no one picks up after their dog - I mean no one. There is a grassy area around the corner (and a few sidewalks, too) that look like pure dog poop. Yes, ewwww.....

Downtown Reno is primarily casinos, liquor stores and tourist shops. It is a tad on the seedy side (the loss of tourism has really hit hard here), and often feels sad to me. The locals, however, are some of the most delightful people I have met. The folks at the local UU church go out of their way to make me feel welcome and at home, and the crew I work with is top-flight. A little cliqueish at times, but great.

Carson City isn't quite as friendly, but a lovely place to spend a day. The capitol building is not to be missed, and I had the best (and most expensive) pizza of my life at a little place called B'Sghetti's on the main drag while killing time for the bus to go back to Reno.

I have to say, it's not a place I would have come intentionally, but I am glad I am here, and I am happy that I will have friends to see whenever I am back this way.

what is a "Valentine"?

I find this so-called holiday amazing, amusing, and fascinating. Amazing because it seem to polarize people so much. Amusing because people do get so bent out of shape about it (I know - I have been one of them). Fascinating because people don't (it seems) to know what it is they are celebrating.

First of all, it is a Catholic Saint - most of the folks I know who observe St. Valentine's feast day (for that is what it is) are a) not Catholic (or are non-practicing), b) don't know what St. Valentine is known for. Even from a Catholic website about saints, it says that he was martyred under Claudius, but I can't find anything noteworthy about him except that he died (as did a lot of other people). He apparently did, as one of his final acts, send a note to a woman, signed "Love, Your Valentine" - but that's about all I can find. http://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=159

Now don't get me wrong - I am all for taking a day and celebrating the love you share with someone. I won't say, however, that this particular holiday has, at times, seemed like a plot to make single, unattached people feel bad. More so than the jewelery commercials at Christmas, the advertising campaigns are "the whole world is in love" - and if you aren't one of them, well, aren't you pathetic.

It seems to be getting worse, too - now that the social media has picked up on it. I admit - last year I was very sad at Valentine's Day - I had just found out that my ex-boyfriend, who I was hoping to reconcile with, had just gotten engaged - so yeah, it wasn't a happy day for me (or the few preceding it, either). I made the mistake of checking my facebook account that day, and all I saw were statuses of "put up a pic of you and your sweetie and say how long you've been blissfully happy together!" - needless to say, that didn't feel so good, and I said so.

Part of why this is an interesting holiday to me is because of what appears to be extreme division over it. It's like you have to either be blissfully in love, or pathetically single - like there is no middle ground. I mean, what about those folks who are in relationships, but they may not be all that happy? I've had a few of them really get in my face trying to convince me they are happy on Valentine's Day (or perhaps they are trying to convince themself?) so that they won't have to join the pathetic hoardes of singletons out there.

There seems to be very little tolerance or compassion on the part of people in relationships for those who struggle with Valentine's Day - a brief foray into facebook yesterday showed an amazing number of comments like "Stop bitching that you hate Valentine's Day! You're obviously so pathetic that it's no wonder no one wants to be your valentine!" In fact, the fiance (who I considered a friend) of one of my best friends has not spoken to me in exactly a year now because I was one of the "love grinches" last year - so much so, that when I go to visit my girlfriend, it tends to be arranged for when the fiance is out of the house. (I have apologized and do regret expressing my grief the way that I did - it is my genuine hope that someday this will be healed)

Then you have the folks who try to make the singletons feel better - the "well, since you don't have a 'special someone', you can make your, um, cat/dog, something else your valentine!" The intention is good, but the impression is that you are still somehow lacking because you don't have that "someone special."

That said, who is to say who a "special someone" is? Personally, I really miss my male cat, Dash - who really was the most loving, committed, unconditional male I have ever had in my life! Who is to say that it isn't the child of a single mom, a woman who courageously is devoting her time and resources to raising a wonderful human being? Who says it must to be someone that you are having an intimate physical relationship with and buy chocolate, flowers and candy for?

I propose this: they say you cannot find real love until you truly love, honor, and appreciate yourself. Therefore, become your own valentine. Learn to treat and honor yourself if the way you would the most beloved of lovers. For then, in my humble opinion, will you truly celebrate St. Valentine's Day.

looking forward

There is so much power in having something to look forward to. It makes you want to get out of bed in the morning, and often gives you the strength to get through the day. And it is really true, it is all in how you look at things.

This past week has been very interesting. I have been putting our resumes again, looking for my next right step. I got an interview in a place I had never really considered living before - central Indiana, just North of Indianapolis. It sounds like an amazing opportunity, and my only reservation is that it is snow/ice in the winters, and humid in the summers (why does it seem like all the great jobs are in that kind of climate??).

One of the interesting things that has happened is it seems like as soon as I decided to let go of really caring so much about what other people think/do, and look at this situation as an opportunity to sharpen my skills and get to know myself better, it is like a dam bursting - suddenly opportunities are everywhere.

Admittedly, I had planned to spend at least 2 years touring and a part of me is like "Hey! We're travelling, here!" - but a really big part of me is excited about the possibility of finding a real "home", with a full time job doing what I love. So many possibilities right now...

I had another great session with my life coach today, and one of the "homework" pieces he gave me is to find a creative project. It doesn't have to be anything huge, but something to challenge myself with. The idea is that is if I keep challenging myself to grow in small ways, the larger picture and understanding of where I ultimately want to be/doing/becoming will come more into focus.

So today I am looking forward to finding things to look forward to.

the power of affirmation - part deux

I have received some wonderful, supportive responses to my last post - thank you. :)

It has made me realize just how powerful it is to be affirmed - and to feel appreciated. One of the responses came from someone that I both see as a friend and look up to as a mentor - and it floored me when she said she was glad to see someone articulating things that she has been feeling. And I realized that I had never really said how much I respect her and her work - so I told her so.

And in the telling, realized the power of acknowledging and appreciating others. Those who know me, know I do not give false praise - that if I am saying I appreciate something about you, it is because it is true. By the same token, if you ask for a critique of something to make it better, I will likewise be as lovingly honest as I can.

Like gratitude, expressing appreciation makes you appreciate yourself as well - and makes it more difficult to stay in that dark place - after all, who has seen a depressed, sad, grateful person??

the power of affirmation

I've realized the past couple weeks how powerful it is to be acknowledged and affirmed.

There have been some really challenging moments getting this show off the ground and running. Some have been clashes between my style of working and other people's, some have involved learning to not let myself get drawn into others' issues (really hard when they're yelling at you at the top of their lungs in front of a roomful of people), and doing work that few others see.

I have joked for years that "if I do my job right, no one knows I exist" - which is really actually true - and I realize that sometimes it is really hard when no one knows (or notices) how hard I work and what a good job I do sometimes.

I remember just before the show opened - the director was meeting with the cast, and asked them to give a big round of applause to all the hard-working crew - the TD who built the set, the set designer, the painter, the lighting designer, the costume folk, the deckhands - then he happened to turn and see me and added as an afterthought - "oh, um, and Kat". At that point, I'd been working my butt off for 14 hours a day for the past week to help get everything together. I didn't think much of it at the time.

But I have been thinking about it over the past few days. There has been a feeling of disconnect between myself and the cast - it seems that the only time they notice I exist is when they want something. For the most part it isn't a big deal, as I know I have very different approach to life - for instance, I like to get up early and take walks and exercise in the mornings (early meaning 9am) - they like to go out to the bar until 3 am after the show (I am not, never have been, and likely never will be a regular bar person). I like finding little places to walk to and meditate, and sit and read in my new favorite coffee place - and it's all good.

I also realized that I never stated some clear boundaries the other day, when I got yelled at by one of the performers because he wanted to be let into the instrument storage at 3:45pm in the afternoon (since the show wasn't until 8pm I wasn't planning to be in the space until after 5:30pm), and I was taking a nap at my apartment. So I sent out an email to the group, saying that, like them, until just before showtime, I am rarely in the space, and unless something is urgent, I likely won't address it until I am in my office. That they can feel free to text or call if it is urgent, but to please keep in mind that I have a life here too.

I met with my life coach this past Saturday, and he commented the he heard only "disdain, derision, and condescention" in my email to the cast. I was a tad crestfallen, as I felt I had taken a huge step in setting some boundaries. Looking at it now I think both statements may be correct.

The point here is that no, it isn't perfect - and I am choosing to see my time here as a great cauldron of learning time. They are bringing me the lessons I really need to learn right now - personally and professionally. Professionally - reminders about how to do this kind of stage management work. Personally - about perspective, compassion, and how to talk to others. And, in many ways, how to validate myself.

I realized Saturday evening after the 2nd show that I work to use a lot of "please/thank you" when I talk to my crew, at the end of every show I thank them for a job well done, and I say something when I see them do something exceptionally well. I don't know how they feel about me, but I mean it when I tell them that they are an excellent crew, and that I am glad I have them.

This past week I have been feeling the fact that I am thousands of miles from my home, I miss my friends, I miss my cats, and I miss having someone to talk to. I eat most meals alone with my book, and I spend a lot of time by myself outside of work. I have been both homesick and very, very lonely - and not just a little feeling sorry for myself. It hit me that I feel very taken for granted with this company, and that no one seems to appreciate how hard I am working.

I decided to go to church on Sunday morning, even though I didn't want to. I am so glad I did. I'm not sure what changed, but halfway through the service, I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - I do a damned good job, and I know it. I appreciate others when they do a good job, and I let them know that I appreciate them. My natural state is one of joy, and life is to darn short to be miserable - so it really doesn't matter if they like me, talk to me, or respect me - because I do give these things to myself. In fact, I am HAPPY to see them all, because it means they are bringing the lessons I most need to learn right now - and it really doesn't matter how they see me.

I am going to do just fine - because I already am.

breathe, exhale, repeat...

They say everything happens for a reason, and I am fairly inclined to believe it. It has been about a month now since I began this new phase of my life, and it has already brought with it some amazing lessons.

It was really hard dropping my cats off at their new home. I know they are in a great place, and have been getting updates that they are doing well, but my heart is so empty without their loving presence and beautiful, sweet faces. It was crushing to give up the only real home I have ever known, and to say goodbye to my life and my friends in Northampton.

That said, it was fun spending a few days with my good friend, Bobby, in Jersey City, and having the chance to get to know him better. The first few days of working on the show were a real "honeymoon", and settled into the "real" work once we got to Reno.

There are times I feel like I really did lose a piece of myself when I was married. It seems like it used to be so easy for me to be in social situations and be part of what is going on around me. Now it seems like it requires more effort, and is often difficult - or rather seems to be.

I have gotten into a routine here - water aerobics at 9am, maybe yoga at 11am, lunch, shower, a nice walk, and an hour or so with my book at my new favorite coffee place. Then dinner, work the show, and bed. Maybe errands or exploring a new place on my one day off. I have made some lovely acquaintences that I say hello to at the hotel, and some of the women in my aerobics class are really lovely and I enjoy chatting with them in the hot tub after class.

I won't say that I wasn't hoping for at least a little camraderie with the group I work with, but I have discovered that I am just at a different place in my life. They enjoy going out drinking after the show - I have never been much of a bar person, so although I'll occasionally join them, it really isn't my thing. Some are more friendly and conversational than others, but for the most part I find myself on my own. Fortunately, I find that I enjoy my own company and rarely feel lonely. Homesick on occasion, but rarely lonely.

Speaking of homesick - I have had a few instances of forgetting where I am. Like when I went to the mall the other day - it is much like any other mall - I was thinking what I would do after, the errands I would run. Then I walked out of the store and realized that I was nowhere near my car, and my "home" doesn't exist anymore. It is so weird when that happens. Just like when I finish the show for the night - I am so used to closing up a quiet theater, that the first few times when I walked out into the casino, it was like being assaulted - all the noise, lights and people.

I am grateful for this opportunity. It has been a long time since I did this kind of Stage Management, and it is good to be extending my experience. Each day brings a new reminder or lesson, and I am grateful.

And I am REALLY grateful that I escaped New England before the major winter hit....